Larian Studios Forums General Chat Chat (Anything) did we do jokes already?

not me.............. <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/biggrin.gif" alt="" />

Imagine, Jurak the orc chief, with a pink tutu <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" />

I was thinking more of a pink.........yooooo-hoooooo!

or, foo-foo, or, well you get the picture........ don't you .......who.... <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/biggrin.gif" alt="" />

K, nuff of that........ time for the next round of jokes........ <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/tongue.gif" alt="" />

A young lady in the maternity ward just prior to labour is asked by the midwife if she would like her husband to be present at the birth.
"I'm afraid I don't have a husband" she replies
"O.K. do you have a boyfriend?" asks the Midwife "No, no boyfriend either."
"Do you have a partner then?"
"No, I'm unattached, I'll be having my baby on my own."
After the birth the midwife again speaks to the young woman. "You have a healthy bouncing baby girl, but I must warn you before you see her that the baby is black"
"Well," replies the girl. "I was very down on my luck, with no money and nowhere to live, and so I accepted a job in a Porno movie. The lead man was black."
"Oh, I'm very sorry," says the midwife, "that's really none of my business and I'm sorry that I have to ask you these awkward questions but I must also tell you that the baby has blonde hair."
"Well yes," the girl again replies, "you see I desperately needed the money and there was this Swedish guy also involved in the movie, what else could I do?"
"Oh, I'm sorry," the midwife repeats, "that's really none of my business and I hate to pry further but your baby has slanted eyes."
"Well yes," continues the girl, "I was incredibly hard up and there was a little Chinese man also in the movie, I really had no choice."
At this the midwife again apologises collects the baby and presents her to the girl, who immediately proceeds to give baby a slap on the bum. The baby starts crying and the mother exclaims,
"Well thank [nocando] for that !"
"What do you mean?" says the midwife, shocked.
"Well," says the girl extremely relieved, "I had this horrible feeling that the little [nocando] was going to bark!"

<img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/biggrin.gif" alt="" />

The elderly Italian man went to his parish priest and asked if the priest would hear his confession.

"Of course, my son," said the priest.

"Well, Father, at the beginning of World War Two, a beautiful woman knocked on my door and asked me to hide her from the Germans; I hid her in my attic, and they never found her."

"That's a wonderful thing, my son, and nothing that you need to confess," said the priest.

"It's worse, Father; I was weak, and told her that she had to pay for rent of the attic with her sexual favors," continued the old man.

"Well, it was a very difficult time, and you took a large risk - you would have suffered terribly at their hands if the Germans had found you hiding her; I know that God, in his wisdom and mercy, will balance the good and the evil, and judge you kindly," said the priest.

"Thanks, Father," said the old man. "That's a load off of my mind. Can I ask another question?"

"Of course, my son," said the priest.

The old man asked, "Do I need to tell her that the war is over?"

<img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" />

A couple married forty years were revisiting the same places they went to on their honeymoon. Driving through the secluded countryside, they passed a ranch with a tall deer fence running along the road.
The woman said, "Sweetheart, let's do the same thing we did here forty years ago."

The guy stopped the car. His wife backed against the fence, and he immediately jumped her bones like a bass on a junebug. They made love like never before.

Back in the car, the guy says, "Darlin', you sure never moved like that forty years ago--or any time since that I can remember!"

The woman says, "Forty years ago that goddamn fence wasn't electrified!" <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/biggrin.gif" alt="" />

One day a little indian boy walked up to the chief and said "Me ready for women."
The chief said "Before you can have a real women, you must go into the woods and practice on the trees for three days"

The Indian boy said "Ok," and went off into the woods.

Three days later, he returns and says "Me ready for women."

The Indian cheif says "Pick out any woman you want and take her inside the teepee."

The boy picked a women, escorted her into the teepee and said "Take off all your clothes, bend over and grab your ankles." The women asked "Why?", but the boy told her to just to bend over.

The women bent over, and the boy kicked her in the [nocando]. "Why the hell did you do that?" she asked.

"Just checking for bees." replied the boy.

Bob joins a very exclusive nudist colony. On his first day he takes off
his
clothes and starts wandering around. A gorgeous petite blonde walks by
him
and the man immediately gets an erection. The woman notices his
erection,
comes over to him grinning sweetly and says: "Sir, did you call for me?"
Bob
replies: "No, what do you mean?" She says: "You must be new here; let me

explain. It's a rule here that if I give you an erection, it implies you

called for me." Smiling, she then leads him to the side of a pool, lays
down
on a towel, eagerly pulls him to her and happily lets him have his way
with
her.
Bob continues exploring the facilities. He enters a sauna, sits down,
and
farts. Within a few seconds a huge, horribly corpulent, hairy man with a

firm erection lumbers out of the steam towards him. The Huge Man says:
"Sir,
did you call for me?" Bob replies: "No, what do you mean?" The Huge Man:

"You must be new here; it is a rule that when you fart, it implies you
called for me." The huge man then easily spins Bob around, bends him
over
the bench and has his way with him.
Bob rushes back to the colony office. He is greeted by the smiling naked

receptionist: "May I help you?" Bob says: "Here is your card and key
back.
You can keep the $500 joining fee." Receptionist: "But Sir, you've only
been
here a couple of hours; you only saw a small fraction of our
facilities....."Bob replies: "Listen lady, I am 58 years old, I get a
hard-on twice a month, but I fart 15 times a day. No thanks." <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/silly.gif" alt="" />

<img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" />

GOOD GENES OR BAD GENES?

A 65 year old man went to the doctor for his Class II drivers exam and the doctor was amazed at what good shape the guy was in.

The doctor asked, "To what do you attribute your good health?"

The old timer said, "I'm a pilot and that's why I'm in such good shape.I'm up well before daylight, climb all over the aircraft doing my pre-flight inspection, fly all day, etc."

The doctor said, "Well, I'm sure that helps, but there's got to be more to it. How old was your dad when he died?"

The old timer said, "Who said my dad's dead?"

The doctor said, "You mean you're 65 years old and your dad's still alive? How old is he?"

The old timer said, "He's 84 yrs old and, in fact, he built and flies his own airplane! He went flying with me this morning. That's why he's still alive... he's a pilot too!"

The doctor said, "Well, that's great, but I'm sure there's more to it. How about your dad's dad? How old was he when he died?"

The old timer said, "Who said my grandpa's dead?"

The doctor said, "You mean your dad is 84 years old and his father is still living?! How old is he?"

The old timer said, "Grandpa is 102 years old and he was a pilot too."

The doctor was getting frustrated at this point and said, "I guess he went flying with you this morning too?"

The old timer said, "No...Grandpa couldn't go this morning because he just got married and he's on his honeymoon."

The doctor said in amazement, "Got married?!! Why would a 102-year-old guy want to get married?"

The old timer said, "Who said he wanted to? <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/tongue.gif" alt="" />

@ Jurak
Those jokes were oh soo bad, but oh soo funny!!! <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/up.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/badsmile2.gif" alt="" />

nvm Jurak they are like a tonic to an old man like me, I can honestly say that I look forward to this topic and usually with my fingers crossed hoping there's 1 from you <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Many thanks my Green Giant Friend <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/winkwink.gif" alt="" />




1st Member of the GGF fanclub <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/evilgrin1.gif" alt="" />

Wisdom speaks Volumes, thanks Mea! <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/biggrin.gif" alt="" />

With Jurak as president, can I join too? I'll be the first Elf to join the GGF <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/biggrin.gif" alt="" />
I hope I'll manage between those two goodlooking guys Jurak and Mea, rrrraawww habba habba drool... <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/evilgrin1.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/biggrin.gif" alt="" />

A co-worker got his pen stuck inside the printer just before we had to go to
a meeting. He started to try and remove the pen, but I told him: "We don't
have time for that now, just put a note on the printer telling folks not to
use it and then report it to the Help Desk." So he grabbed a piece of paper
and scrawled on it. I left before he finished the note. Later, one of my
techs comes in laughing and says saw a piece of paper on a printer and went
to investigate. Attached is what he found.


(Sometimes things don't always
come out the way you want them to.)
... <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/biggrin.gif" alt="" />
... <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/biggrin.gif" alt="" />
...... <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/biggrin.gif" alt="" />
.......... <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/stupid.gif" alt="" />


<img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" />

lol! i actually only saw him after i had read your story, therefore i only saw "penis stuck"

great man <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/XmasJump.gif" alt="" />

[color:"pink"] With Jurak as president, can I join too? I'll be the first Elf to join the GGF [/color]

Hmm .. I have to sorry since Mea is Elven <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/winkwink.gif" alt="" />

[quote] Elephent joke is the best! <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/tongue.gif" alt="" /> At leaste I can Laugh

Trying to find out what our new member is talking about I found this old joke, delivered by Failie <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/biggrin.gif" alt="" />.

Found it <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/delight.gif" alt="" />! And they made me laugh too <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" />! Allso Failie btw...



Übereil

A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital with an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose and still heavily sedated from a four hour operation. A young nurse appears to sponge his hands and feet. "Nurse", he mumbles from behind the mask, "Are my testicles black?" Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, I'm only here to wash your hands and feet."


He struggles again to ask, "Nurse, are my testicles black?" Finally, she pulls back the covers, raises his gown, holds his penis in one hand and his testicles in her other hand and takes a close look and says, "There's nothing wrong with them!"


The man pulls off his oxygen mask and says slowly, "That was very nice but listen very, very closely - are... my... test...results...back?"

<img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/stupid.gif" alt="" />

One more along the same lines.......... <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/biggrin.gif" alt="" />

A new employee is hired at the Tickle Me Elmo factory. The personnel manager explains her duties, and tells her to report to work promptly at 8 am.

The next day at 8:45 there's a knock at the personnel manager's door. The assembly line foreman comes in and starts ranting about this new employee. He says that she is incredibly slow and the whole line is backing up.

The foreman takes the personnel manager down to the factory floor to show him the problem. Sure enough, Elmos are backing up all over the place. At the end of the line is the new employee.

She has a roll of the material used for the Elmos and a big bag of marbles. They both watch as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps it around two marbles and starts sewing the little package between Elmo's legs.

The personnel manager starts to laugh hysterically. After several minutes, he pulls himself together, walks over to the woman and says:

"I'm sorry, I guess you misunderstood me yesterday. Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles!"


<img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/stupid.gif" alt="" />

YES we are all getting older. ENJOY


Recently, I was diagnosed with A. A. A. D. D. -
(Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder.)

This is how it manifests:

I decide to water my garden.

As I turn on the hose in the driveway, I look over at my car and decide my car needs washing.

As I start toward the garage, I notice that there is mail on the porch table that I brought up from the mail box earlier.

I decide to go through the mail before I wash the car.

I lay my car keys down on the table, put the junk mail in the garbage can under the table, and notice that the can is full.

So, I decide to put the bills back on the table and take out the garbage first.

But then I think, since I'm going to be near the mailbox when I take out the garbage anyway, I may as well pay the bills first.

I take my check book off the table, and see that there is only one check left.

My extra checks are in my desk in the study, so I go inside the house to my desk where I find the can of Coke that I had been drinking.

I'm going to look for my checks, but first I need to push the Coke aside so that I don't accidentally knock it over. I see that the Coke is getting warm, and I decide I should put it in the refrigerator to keep it cold.

As I head toward the kitchen with the Coke a vase of flowers on the counter catches my eye--they need to be watered.

I set the Coke down on the counter, and I discover my reading glasses that I've been searching for all morning.

I decide I better put them back on my desk, but first I'm going to water the flowers.

I set the glasses back down on the counter, fill a container with water and suddenly I spot the TV remote. Someone left it on the kitchen table.

I realize that tonight when we go to watch TV, I will be looking for the remote, but I won't remember that it's on the kitchen table, so I decide to put it back in the den where it belongs, but first I'll water the flowers.

I pour some water in the flowers, but quite a bit of it spills on the floor.

So, I set the remote back down on the table, get some towels and wipe up the spill.

Then I head down the hall trying to remember what I was planning to do.

At the end of the day:

the car isn't washed,

the bills aren't paid,

there is a warm can of Coke sitting on the counter,

the flowers don't have enough water,

there is still only one check in my check book,

I can't find the remote,

I can't find my glasses,

and I don't remember what I did with the car keys.

Then when I try to figure out why nothing got done today, I'm really baffled because I know I was busy all day long, and I'm really tired.

I realize this is a serious problem, and I'll try to get some help for it, but first I'll check my e-mail.

Do me a favor, will you? Forward this message to everyone you know,
because I don't remember to whom it has been sent.

Don't laugh -- if this isn't you yet, your day is coming!

1st member of the GGF Fanclub