Larian Studios Forums General Chat Chat (Anything) did we do jokes already?

To be honest, I didn't read the part where you said 'now back to work' <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />. And if Lynn wasn't doing that when she should be working, she quit her job kinda early <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/suspicion.gif" alt="" />... OR the first thing she did when she came home was to go straigt to the comp and write it (aaw, that's so cute <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/delight.gif" alt="" />)...

Übereil

Mmm <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/think.gif" alt="" />
but what if moderating the forum IS your work?
can you then get back to work, or are you still working?

Mental Asylum Admissions Test

It doesn't hurt to take a hard look at yourself from time to time, and this should help get you started.

During a visit to the mental institution, a visitor asked the Director what the criteria was which defined whether or not a patient should be institutionalized.

"Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub."

"Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup."

"No." said the Director, "A normal person would pull the plug.

Do you want a room with or without a view?"

@ Jurak
You beat everyone with your jokes!! They are the best I've ever read <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/biggrin.gif" alt="" />

Two friends were signed out from a mental institution. They agreed to share an appertment. After a few weeks, one of the guys came back and wanted to talk to his doctor.
"Doctor, I think my friend is going nuts again."
"Why do you think that?"
"Because he thinks he is a lamp"
"Oh, you better bring him back to the asylum immediatly!"
"No way," said the man " how can I read my book if I haven't got a light anymore?" <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/stupid.gif" alt="" />

The second sign of mental illness is hair growing on your palm.































The first sign is looking for it.

3 patients are about to be released from a mental asylum, but as a final test the director ask them each at the time in his office, all three are waiting outside his office when he calls the first one in.

"I need you to jump trough that doors key-hole" commands the director. So the first one starts running and slams into the door. The director tells him hes not ready to be released yet. When he leaves the office the other 2 ask "and?" but the first one shakes his head "I'm not released".

The second goes in and is commanded the same, he studies the door first, counts his steps runs and jumps head first into the door. He also goes outside shaking his head, "me neither <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/disagree.gif" alt="" />"

Now the third one, goes inside and very little later comes outside smiling, "I'm out of here!!!" , But the other two ask "HOW???". "Well," said the third "You can't jump through that key-hole, I told him".
"But why not?" asked the other 2 puzzled, where the third replies "It's quite obvious why... the key was still on it".

A man in Sydney calls his son in Perth and says, "I hate to ruin your day, But I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough!"

"Dad, what are you talking about?" the son screams.

"We can't stand the sight of each other any longer." the old man said. "We're sick and tired of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you please call your sister in Brisbane and tell her." And he hangs up.

Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone, "Like heck they're getting a divorce!" she shouts.
"I'll take care of this."

She calls Sydney immediately, and screams at the old man, "You are NOT getting divorced! Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then don't do a thing, DO YOU
HEAR ME?" and she hangs up.

The man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife and says, "Okay, they're coming for Christmas and they're paying their own way."

thats a realy good one lynn!

Excellent Lynn, specially taking the trip distance in consideration <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/evilgrin1.gif" alt="" />
I still remember when I first came to Australia some 30 years ago, at first I lived with my Uncle and Aunt here in WA, eventually they moved to Melbourne, (some 2000 odd Clicks)
when I wrote my Mom about that, she replied in her next letter, "please make sure you visit your Aunt & Uncle every weekend or so!!" I swear I fell outta my chair laughing <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/biggrin.gif" alt="" />

There was a couple who was about to get married. Before the wedding, they had a tragic accident and both died. As they were standing at the gates of heaven talking to St. Peter they explained their plight and asked could they get married in heaven.
St. Peter said, "Wait here," and left.
He was gone for several months then finally returned.
The couple said, "We've been thinking as we were waiting here, eternity is a long time to be married. Just in case things don't work out, is it possible that we can get a divorce?"
St. Peter looked them sternly in the eye then said, "Listen! It took me three months to find a preacher up here, do you know how long it would take me to find a lawyer?"

Ole staggered home very late after another evening with his drinking
buddy, Swen. He took off his shoes to avoid waking his wife, Lena. He
tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs leading to their upstairs bedroom,
but misjudged the bottom step. As he caught himself by grabbing the
banister, his body swung around and he landed heavily on his rump. A
whiskey bottle in each back pocket broke and made the landing especially
painful.

Managing not to yell, Ole sprung up, pulled down his pants, and looked in
the hall mirror to see that his butt cheeks were cut and bleeding. He
managed to quietly find a full box of Band-Aids and began putting a
Band-Aid as best he could on each place he saw blood.He then hid the now
almost empty box and shuffled and stumbled his way to bed.

In the morning, Ole woke up with searing pain in both his head and butt
and Lena staring at him from across the room. She said, "You were drunk again
last night weren't you Ole?" Ole said, "Why you say such a mean ting?"
"Well," Lena said, "it could be the open front door, it could be the
broken glass at the bottom of the stairs, it could be the drops of blood trailing
through the house, it could be your bloodshot eyes, but mostly......it's
all those Band-Aids stuck on the downstairs mirror." <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/biggrin.gif" alt="" />

BAPTIST COWGIRL

A cowgirl, who moved to Texas from Arkansas, walks into a bar and
orders three mugs of Bud. She sits in the back of the room, drinking a
sip out of each one in turn. When she finishes them, she comes back to the bar and orders three more.

The bartender approaches and tells the cowgirl, "You know, a mug goes flat after I draw it. It would taste better if you bought one at a
time." The cowgirl replies, "Well, you see, I have two sisters. One is
in Australia, the other is in Dublin. When we all left our home in
Arkansas, we promised that we would drink this way to remember the days when we drank together. So I am drinking one beer for each of my sisters and one for myself."

The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there.
The cowgirl becomes a regular in the bar and always drinks the same way, she orders three mugs and drinks them in turn.

One day she comes in and orders two mugs. All the regulars take notice and fall silent. When she comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your loss."

The cowgirl looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns in her eyes and she laughs. "Oh, no, everybody's just fine," she explains.
"It's just that my husband and I joined the Baptist Church and I had to
quit drinking.

Hasn't affected my sisters, though." <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

A mother was working in the kitchen listening to her 5-year-old son playing
with his new electric train in the living room. She heard the train stop
and her son saying, "All of you sons of bitches who want off, get the hell
off now...cause this is the last stop! And all of you sons of bitches who
are getting on, get your asses in the train...cause we're going down the
tracks."

The horrified mother went in and told her son, "We don't use that kind of
language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and you are to
stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your
train...but I want you to use nice language."

Two hours later, the son came out of the bedroom and resumed playing with
his tra in. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say..."All
passengers, please remember your things, thank you and hope your trip was a
pleasant one. We hope you will ride with us again soon." She heard her
little darling continue..."For those of you just boarding, remember, there
is no smoking in the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing
journey with us today." As the mother began to smile, the child added, "For
those of you who are pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the
bitch in the kitchen."

A woman pregnant with triplets was walking down the street when a masked
robber ran out of a bank and shot her three times in the stomach.
Luckily the babies were OK. The surgeon decided to leave the bullets in
because it was too risky to operate. She gave birth to two healthy
daughters and a healthy son.

All was fine for 16 years, and then one daughter walked into the room in
tears. "What's wrong?" asked the mother.

"I was taking a tinkle and this bullet came out" replied the daughter.

The mother told her it was okay and explained what happened 16 years
ago.

About a week later the second daughter walked into the room in tears.

"Mom, I was taking a tinkle and this bullet came out." Again the mother
told her not to worry and explained what happened 16 years ago.

A week later her son walked into the room in tears. "It's okay" said the
Mom, "I know what happened, you were taking a tinkle and a bullet came
out."

"No," said the boy, "I was playing with myself and I shot the dog!" <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ouch.gif" alt="" />

An old Italian man lived alone in the country. He wanted to dig his

tomato garden, but it was very hard work as the ground was hard.His only

son, Vincent, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a

letter to his son and described his predicament :

Dear Vincent,

I am feeling pretty bad because it looks like I won't be able to plant my

tomato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a

garden plot. If you were here my troubles would be over. I know you

would dig the plot for me. Love Dad

A few days later he received a letter from his son:

Dear Dad, Not for nothing, but don't dig up that garden. That's where I buried the

BODIES! Love, Vinnie

At 4 a.m. the next morning,FBI agents and local police arrived and dug

up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the

old man and left. That same day the old man received another letter from

his son:

Dear Dad, Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now. That's the best

I could do under the circumstances.

Love, Vinnie God Bless

<img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" />

K that's enough......... two more "quickies" and I'll be off like a herd of turtles.......




Two guys were discussing popular family trends on sex, marriage, and values.

Stu said, "I didn't sleep with my wife before we got married, did you?"

Leroy replied, "I'm not sure, what was her maiden name?" <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/biggrin.gif" alt="" />





A little boy went up to his father and asked: "Dad, where did all of my intelligence come from?"

The father replied. "Well, son, you must have got it from your mother, cause I still have mine" <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/biggrin.gif" alt="" />




O.K. then........... three.........





Two Mexican detectives were investigating the murder of Juan Gonzalez.

"How was he killed?" asked one detective.

"With a golf gun," the other detective replied.

"A golf gun?! What is a golf gun?"

"I don't know. But it sure made a hole in Juan."


Ah cha, cha....... <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/biggrin.gif" alt="" />

Hillarious <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" />!!!

Übereil

I like that! <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/delight.gif" alt="" />

@ Jurak
I liked them all!!
Had a lot of work telling them to hubby (he was curious why I was laughing soo hard about <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/biggrin.gif" alt="" /> )

Guy bought a new fridge for his house. To get rid of his old fridge, he put it in his front yard and hung a sign on it saying: "Free to good home. You want it, you take it".

For three days the fridge sat there without even one person looking twice at it. He eventually decided that people were too un-trusting of this deal. It looked too good to be true, so he changed the sign to read: "Fridge for sale $50". The next day someone stole it.

Caution! These people Vote

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While looking at a house, my brother asked the real estate agent which direction was North because, he explained, he didn't want the sun waking him up every morning. She asked, "Does the sun rise in the North?" When my brother explained that the sun rises in the East, (and has for sometime), she shook her head and said, "Oh, I don't keep up with that stuff"...

She ALSO votes!

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I used to work in technical support for a 24/7 call center. One day I got a call from an individual who asked what hours the call center was open. I told him, "The number you dialed is open 24 hours a day, 7 days a week." He responded, "Is that Eastern or Pacific time?" Wanting to end the call quickly, I said, "Uh, Pacific"

He ALSO votes!

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My sister has a life saving tool in her car It's designed to cut through a seat belt if she gets trapped. She keeps it in the trunk. . ..

My sister ALSO votes!

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My friends and I were on a beer run and noticed that the cases were discounted 10%. Since it was a big party, we bought 2 cases. The cashier multiplied 2 times 10% and gave us a 20% discount...

He ALSO votes!

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I was hanging out with a friend when we saw a woman with a nose ring attached to an earring by a chain. My friend said, "Wouldn't the chain rip out every time she turned her head?" I explained that a person's nose and ear remain the same distance apart no matter which way the head is turned...

My friend ALSO votes!

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I couldn't find my luggage at the airport baggage area. So I went to the lost luggage office and told the woman there that my bags never showed up. She smiled and told me not to worry because she was a trained professional and I was in good hands. "Now," she asked me, "has your plane arrived yet?". . .

SHE ALSO votes!

Woo-Hoo!!......... <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/biggrin.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/biggrin.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/biggrin.gif" alt="" />