Larian Studios Forums General Chat Chat (Anything) did we do jokes already?

That reminds me... hubby bought an electric tool that was labeled to cost 161€, but since it was a promotion it got down to 89€. There were also two sawblades in the package, promotionwise <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/biggrin.gif" alt="" />
But when we came out of the store, we noticed that our bill wasn't that high as it should have been. Of course not, the cashier only marked the price of the two additional sawblades but not for the tool itself!! We paid 11 € for that tool, not to shabby for us <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/biggrin.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" />

p.s. She was blonde... <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/think.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/shhh.gif" alt="" />

aah Jurak you made this old guy smile .... a lot ! <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/biggrin.gif" alt="" />

1st member of the GGF Fanclub

If you make a fire for a man you can keep him warm for a night.
If you set a man on fire you can keep him warm for the rest of his life.

ahh too true <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/biggrin.gif" alt="" />

@ Cleglaw
Are you short on something? <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/biggrin.gif" alt="" />

There is also another saying: "If you set an old barn on fire, it's not easy to put it out" <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/biggrin.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/evilgrin1.gif" alt="" />

Reminds me of one of my Dad's stories. He was out in some backward end of Australia and went to the local pub. He couldn't believe it when he saw the bartender was a (blonde) girl the went to school with. The two of them started chatting and caught up on all the old times. After some time, she asked him what he'd like to drink. "Scotch and water, please."
Slightly confused, she replied "Oh, no-one's ordered that before. I'll just look up the price."
After reading the price sheet for a moment, she said "That will be $5" and handed him a bottle of scotch, a jug of water and a glass.

He was set for the night! <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/delight.gif" alt="" />

hmm you did say Blonde did you not ?? <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/evilgrin1.gif" alt="" />

where's that bar? I wouldn't mind a bottle Famous Grouse or Four Roses for 5$

nvm where's the bar. Where's Jurak? I mean he can't still be in the tub? hmm well we have to persevere without him .....but not for too long I hope !

How to die slowly? Health.

stand to close to a low level monster whilst beeing AFK

DOnt worry if you're a Kleptomaniac.....

You can always take something for it <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

LOL clever that <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> L_R <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" />


btw what's a Gansters Paradise ??

Facts about Chuck Norris:
<span class='standouttext'>Spoiler : </span><span class='spoiler'>
When Chuck Norris has sex with a man, it is not because he is gay, but because he has run out of women.

Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.

If you ask Chuck Norris what time it is, he always says, "Two seconds till."
After you ask, "Two seconds till what?" he roundhouse kicks you in the face.

Chuck Norris uses ribbed condoms inside out, so he gets the pleasure.

Since 1940, the year Chuck Norris was born, roundhouse kick related deaths have increased 13,000 percent.

There are no disabled people. Only people who have met Chuck Norris.

There is no chin behind Chuck Norris' beard. There is only another fist.

It was once believed that Chuck Norris actually lost a fight to a pirate, but that is a lie, created by Chuck Norris himself to lure more pirates to him.

Chuck Norris once lined up to kick the winning field goal of a high school football game. When the football went flat, he persuaded the referees to let him kick the field goal with a 3 month old child. Chuck roundhouse kicked the baby 60 yards through the uprights and then proceeded to bang every girl in the stadium.

When Chuck Norris's wife burned the turkey one Thanksgiving, Chuck said, "Don't worry about it honey," and went into his backyard. He came back five minutes later with a live turkey, ate it whole, and when he threw it up a few seconds later it was fully cooked and came with cranberry sauce. When his wife asked him how he had done it, he gave her a roundhouse kick to the face and said, "Never question Chuck Norris."

Those aren't credits that roll after Walker Texas Ranger; it is actually a list of people that Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked in the face that day.

If you unscramble the letters in "Chuck Norris" you get "Huck corn, sir." That is why every fall, Chuck travels to Nebraska and burns the entire state down.

Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.

Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked someone so hard that his foot broke the speed of light, went back in time, and killed Amelia Earhart while she was flying over the Pacific Ocean.

Chuck Norris does not have AIDS but he gives it to people anyway.

Rather than being birthed like a normal child, Chuck Norris instead decided to punch his way out of his mother's womb. Shortly thereafter he grew a beard.

When Chuck Norris plays Oregon Trail his family does not die from cholera or dysentery, but rather roundhouse kicks to the face. He also requires no wagon, since he carries the oxen, axels, and buffalo meat on his back. He always makes it to Oregon before you.

Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck met all three bullets with his beard, deflecting them. JFK's head exploded out of sheer amazement.

Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.

A man once asked Chuck Norris if his real name is "Charles". Chuck Norris did not respond, he simply stared at him until he exploded.

Chuck Norris recently had the idea to sell his urine as a canned beverage. We know this beverage as Red Bull.

Chuck Norris can make a woman climax by simply pointing at her and saying "booya".

Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.

Chuck Norris once shot a German plane down with his finger, by yelling, "Bang!"

The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.

After much debate, President Truman decided to drop the atomic bomb on Hiroshima rather than the alternative of sending Chuck Norris. His reasoning? It was more "humane".

Chuck Norris often asks people to pull his finger. When they do, he roundhouses them in the abdomen. Then he farts.

Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.

If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck Norris you may be only seconds away from death.

Chuck Norris took my virginity, and he will sure as hell take yours. If you're thinking to yourself, "That's impossible, I already lost my virginity." then you are dead wrong.

Chuck Norris uses a live rattle snake for a condom.

Aliens do exist. They're just waiting for Chuck Norris to die before they attack.

Chuck Norris's girlfriend once asked him how much wood a woodchuck could chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood. He then shouted, "HOW DARE YOU RHYME IN THE PRESENCE OF CHUCK NORRIS!" and ripped out her throat. Holding his girlfriend's bloody throat in his hand he bellowed, "Don't f--k with Chuck!" Two years and five months later he realized the irony of this statement and laughed so hard that anyone within a hundred mile radius of the blast went deaf.

Chuck Norris appeared in the "Street Fighter II" video game, but was removed by Beta Testers because every button caused him to do a roundhouse kick. When asked bout this "glitch," Norris replied, "That's no glitch."

Chuck Norris starts his day with a bowl of oatmeal, some pancakes and a glass of fresh squeezed Nazi juice.

Chuck Norris is not hung like a horse... horses are hung like Chuck Norris

Chuck Norris nearly choked Conan O'Brien to death with his own tie. When police questioned him he stated, "It was a wardrobe malfunction, officer." They then said thats what we thought and proceeded to savagly beat Conan O'Brien for trying to ruining Chuck Norris' good name.

Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked a waitress because his steak didn't have a beard.

Chuck Norris framed OJ.

Chuck Norris' beard is the hardest substance known to man, followed closely by Chuck Norris' flexed biceps.

Chuck Norris once scored 100 points in an NBA game. He was just wearing his 7-foot-tall black man outfit that he calls "Wilt Chamberlain".

They say Jesus was conceived immaculately because there are no words beautiful enough to describe Chuck Norris having sex.

A masked man once stabbed Chuck Norris in the alley behind a children's hospital. The knife bled to death.

Chuck Norris once made the greatest movie of all time. Ebert gave it thumbs up, but Siskel, angry at Norris for being so much more awesome than himself, gave it thumbs down. He soon after died of a roundhouse-kick related heart attack. Ebert remains alive, and "Sidekicks" remains the single greatest achievement in cinematic history.

On Neil Armstrong's second step on the moon, he found a note that said, "Chuck Norris was here."

In the year 2010, Chuck Norris' beard will be declared the 51st state.

Chuck Norris must've been a pretty strong baby to climb out of the abortion bin.

Chuck Norris can kill you just by thinking about you. When people die suddenly in their sleep, the medical term is "DBN" (Death By Norris).

Chuck Norris killed a man, used his powers to bring him back to life, and killed him again. Now thats justice.

On August 17, 1993, Nolan Ryan introduced himself to Chuck Norris as "Ryan: Texas Ranger". On August 17, 2008, Nolan Ryan will die. If Chuck Norris respects you, he'll give you fifteen more years.

Chuck Norris created six extra letters of the alphabet that no one but Chuck Norris know about

Chuck Norris has never found Waldo, but vows to kick his [nocando] when he does.

Chuck Norris ended the Civil War with a massive roundhouse kick the he referred to as the Emancipation Proclamation.

Chuck Norris wanted to be the "voice of God" in the movie "Dogma", but Ben Affleck locked him in a bathroom at a Denny's on the day of the recording session. In retaliation, Chuck introduced Ben to Jennifer Lopez.

Chuck Norris loves cute little puppies. He especially loves them on rye with some pepper jack and a dash of paprika.

Chuck Norris invented the atmosphere for the sole purpose of having something to roundhouse kick people out of.

Chuck Norris invented the internet. When a group of computer geeks said it was their invention, Chuck went to destroy their hometown. What he found was weapons of mass destruction, which he used to destroy the land of the geeks. He named it "Iraq", because he forgot how to spell "I rock".

Tornados are not caused by sudden changes in weather, but rather, a sudden roundhouse by Chuck Norris.

By Presidential decree, everytime Chuck Norris touches up his beard the trimmings are gathered and buried at Arlington Cemetary with full honors.

If you look at Chuck Norris while he is smiling, your entire family will get AIDS.

Chuck Norris coined the phrase, "Don't come near me mother fucker or I'll roundhouse kick the [nocando] out of you." The phrase has since been changed to, "Don't mess with Texas."

The role of Willy Wonka in the remake of 'Charlie and the Chocolate Factory' was originally offered to Chuck Norris. However, he backed out of the project after the producers rejected his idea of a final fight scene with Charlie in which most of the cast dies.

Chuck Norris is accurate to within 1 second in a million years.

Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked someone so hard that his foot broke the speed of light, went back in time, and killed Amelia Earhart while she was flying over the Pacific Ocean.

Chuck Norris carries a messenger bag. If you call it a purse, he pulls a baby out of the bag and throws it at you. The baby will blow up upon impact.

Chuck Norris laughs at retarded people because no one can stop him... he's Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris has a Wrangler belt in karate.

Chuck Norris created the hole in the ozone layer by kicking the air.

Chuck Norris' left testicle was declared The Milky Way's tenth planet in 1978. His right testicle remains the Duke of The Thirteenth Republic of South Greenwich.

The sound of Chuck Norris scratching his beard makes angels weep.

Chuck Norris once fed a starving Ethiopian boy a 12 course meal, then promptly sacrificed the boy to Satan in an effort to boost the ratings of Walker Texas Ranger.

Jesus Christ is Chuck Norris' stunt double.

The commercial says that after taking Viagra, if you have an erection lasting longer than four hours, you should see a doctor. Chuck Norris was too embarassed to go to the doctor, so he instead roundhouse kicked his own penis off and it became what is now known as Pikes Peak.

As part of his greatest gift to mankind, Chuck Norris is currently in the process of writing "Hammer Time!" under every stop sign in the universe.

Chuck Norris is known to have ate a puppy just because he didn't have anything else around to chase his hard liquor.

Chuck Norris once showed me a video of him making love to my wife, and it was the most beautiful thing I ever saw!

Christopher Walken kept a watch up his [nocando] for 4 years. Chuck Norris kept Christopher Walken up his [nocando] for 12.

There are two kinds of men in the world: Men who have had sex with Chuck Norris and men who want to have sex with Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris was taking and evening stroll in a local neighborhood when a mountain spring water truck slammed in to a retarded child playing in the street. Chuck Norris rushed to the scene, destroyed the driver, and resurrected the child making him normal again. This event is celebrated as a show on TV called Captian Planet.

Chuck Norris invented a language that incorporates karate and roundhouse kicks. So next time Chuck Norris is kicking your [nocando], don't be offended or hurt, he may be just trying to tell you he likes your hat.

Abraham Lincoln was assassinated by John Wilkes Booth. John Wilkes Booth was assassinated by Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris blew up the Challenger space shuttle. When asked why he said, "I've never left a challenger alive."

Chuck Norris is how the West was won.

Chuck has 5 letters. Norris has 6. When placed together we get 56. 1956 was the year of the first airborn nuclear test. Coincidence? I think not.

When Chuck Norris was born, the nurse said, "Holy crap! That's Chuck Norris!" Then she had had sex with him. At that point, she was the third girl he had slept with.

Chuck Norris is the only man to ever defeat a brick wall in a game of tennis.

To attain inner peace, VChukc Norris eats Buddhists

Chuck Norris is the reason why Waldo is hiding.

Chuck Norrisl can divide by zero.

Chuck Norris doesn't believe in rubber condoms. Instead, he sticks his penis in a girl, and uses that girl as a condom while [nocando] another.

Chuck Norris played Russian Roulete with a fully loaded gun and won.

If you were to lock Chuck Norris in a room with a guitar, a year later you would have the greatest album ever, it would sweep the Grammy's. When asked why he doesn't do this Vin replied "Because Grammy's are for queers." Then he ate a knife to show the seriousness of his response.

Chuck Norris invented black. In fact, he invented the entire spectrum of visible light. Except pink. Tom Cruise invented pink.

In fine print at on the last page of the Guiness Book of World Records it notes that all world records are held by Chuck Norris, and those listed in the look are simply the closest anyone has ever come to matching him.</span>

Übereil

Edit: Just realized spoilertag might be smart. Don't read this if you're under 45 years of age (you don't want to find out what happens if you aren't. Trust me.).

Who is Chuck Norris?? <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/biggrin.gif" alt="" />



One day a farmer's donkey fell down into a well.

The animal cried piteously for hours as the farmer tried to figure
out what to do. Finally, he decided the animal was old, and the well
needed to be covered up anyway. It just wasn't worth it to retrieve
the donkey.
He invited all his neighbors to come over and help him.
They all grabbed a shovel and began to shovel dirt into the well.
At first, the donkey realized what was happening and cried horribly.
Then, to everyone's amazement he quieted down.
A few shovel loads later, the farmer finally looked down the
well. He was astonished at what he saw.
With each shovel of dirt, that hit his back, the donkey was doing
something amazing. He would shake it off and take a step up.
As the farmer's neighbors continued to shovel dirt on top of
the animal, he would shake it off and take a step up.
Pretty soon, everyone was amazed as the donkey stepped up,
over the edge of the well and happily trotted off!
Life is going to shovel dirt on you, all kinds of dirt.The trick to
getting out of the well is to shake the dirt off and take a step up.
Each of our troubles is a stepping stone. We can get out
of the deepest wells just by not stopping, never giving up! Shake it
off and take a step up.

Remember the five simple rules to being happy:

1. Free your heart from hatred - Forgive.
2. Free your mind from worries - Most never happen.
3. Live simply and appreciate what you have.
4. Give more.
5. Expect less

enough of that crap . . .

The donkey later came back, and bit the sh1t out of the
farmer who had tried to bury him.
The gash from the bite got infected, and the farmer
eventually died in agony from septic shock.

MORAL FROM TODAY'S LESSON:
When you do something wrong,
and try to cover your [nocando],
it always comes back, to bite you.
<img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" />

another goody....... <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/biggrin.gif" alt="" />


The Middle Wife

By an Anonymous 2nd grade teacher

I've been teaching now for about fifteen years. I have two kids myself, but the best birth story I know is the one I saw in my own second-grade classroom a few years back.


When I was a kid, I loved show-and-tell. So I always have a few sessions with my students. It helps them get over shyness and usually, show-and-tell is pretty tame. Kids bring in pet turtles, model airplanes,pictures of fish they catch, stuff like that. And I never, ever place any boundaries or limitations on them. If they want to lug it in to school and talk about it, they're welcome.

Well, one day this little girl, Erica, a very bright, very outgoing kid, takes her turn and waddles up to the front of the class with a pillow stuffed under her sweater. She holds up a snapshot of an infant. This is Luke, my baby brother, and I'm going to tell you about his birthday.

First, Mom and Dad made him as a symbol of their love, and then Dad put a seed in my Mom's stomach, and Luke grew in there. He ate for nine months through an umbrella cord."

[She's standing there with her hands on the pillow, and I'm trying not to laugh and wishing I had my camcorder with me.
The kids are watching her in amazement.]

"Then, about two Saturdays ago, my Mom starts saying and going,'Oh,oh, oh, oh!' " [Erica puts a hand behind her back and groans.] She walked around the house for, like an hour, 'Oh, oh, oh!'"

[Now this kid is doing a hysterical duck walk and groaning.] "My Dad called the middle wife. She delivers babies, but she doesn't have a sign on the car like the Domino's man. They got my Mom to lie down in bed like this."

[Then Erica lies down with her back against the wall.] And then, pop! My Mom had this bag of water she kept in there in case he got thirsty, and it just blew up and spilled all over the bed, like psshhheew!"

[This kid has her legs spread and with her little hands are miming water flowing away. It was too much!]

"Then the middle wife starts saying 'push, push,' and 'breathe,breathe.'

They started counting, but never even got past ten. then, all of a sudden, out comes my brother. He was covered in yucky stuff, they all said it was from Mom's play-center, so there must be a lot of stuff inside there."

[Then Erica stood up, took a big theatrical bow and returned to her seat.

I'm sure I applauded the loudest. Ever since then, if it's show-and-tell day, I bring my camcorder, just in case another Erica comes along. <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/biggrin.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/biggrin.gif" alt="" />

One more........ <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/badsmile2.gif" alt="" />

WHAT PART OF YOUR BODY GOES TO HEAVEN FIRST?

The nun teaching Sunday School was speaking to her class one morning and
she asked the question, "When you die and go to Heaven ... which part of
your body goes first?"
Suzy raised her hand and said, "I think it's your hands."
"Why do you think it's your hands, Suzy?"
Suzy replied, "Because when you pray, you hold your hands together in
front
of you
and God just takes you hands first."
"What a wonderful answer!" the nun said.
Little Johnny raised his hand and said, "Sister, I think it's your
legs."
The nun looked at him with the strangest look on her face. "Now, Little
Johnny, why do you think it would be your legs?"
Little Johnny said, "Well, I walked into Mommy and Daddy's bedroom the
other night.
Mommy had her legs straight up in the air and she was saying, "Oh God,
I'm
coming!"
If Dad hadn't pinned her down, we'd have lost her."
The nun fainted.

Chuck Norris

Übereil

Oooh! You ment CHUCK Norris, that explains a lot <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/evilgrin1.gif" alt="" />

No I meant the pope, that's why I said Chuck Norris. Duh.

Übereil