Larian Studios Forums General Chat Chat (Anything) did we do jokes already?

is the pope's name "chuck" as well??......... <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />

What a co-inkydink.........Who'd a thunk....... <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/biggrin.gif" alt="" />

I don't know about that, but my friend Up's last name is Chuck.
And if we smile at those jokes is that Chuckle Norris?

*Post deleted by Übereil.*

Übereil (it has to be there, it has to!)

Does that mean your friend Up is actually called Up Chuck? <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" /> Poor guy, he shouldn't be charged if he wants to change his name...
If we laugh at his jokes it will be more like Chuckle Up Norris <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/biggrin.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" />

Would Chuck Norris get a kick out of this?

Only and believe me only when he's inside <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

I remember "Chuck, the Plant" from early LucasArts adventures. <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

By the way :



Mensa Invitational 2005

The Washington Post's Mensa Invitational once again asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition. Here are this year's winners. Read them carefully. Each is an artificial word with only one letter altered from the real word. Some are terrifically innovative:

1. Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.

2. Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.

3. Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.

4. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period..

5. Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.

6. Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.

7. Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.

8. Hipatitis: Terminal coolness.

9. Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)

10. Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer.

11. Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.

12. Glibido: All talk and no action.

13. Dopeler effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.

14. Arachnoleptic fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.

15. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito, that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.

16. Caterpallor (n.): The color you turn after finding half a worm in the fruit you're eating.

17. Ignoranus: A person who's both stupid and an @sshole.

Thanks Al that brought back mamories (n.) the act of remembering what they where like when you where a baby <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/biggrin.gif" alt="" />

"Hello?"

"Hi honey, this is Daddy, Is Mummy near the phone?"


"No Daddy, She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Paul "

After a brief pause, Daddy says, "But honey, you haven't got an Uncle Paul "

"Oh yes I do, and he's upstairs in the room with Mummy, right now"


Brief Pause

"Uh, okay then, ...this is what I want you to do. Put the phone down on the table, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door, and shout to Mummy that Daddy's car just pulled into the driveway"


"Okay Daddy, just a minute"

A few minutes later the little girl comes back to the phone.

"I did it Daddy"

"And what happened honey?" he asked.

"Well, Mummy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming. Then she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the dresser and now she isn't moving at all!"

"Oh my God!!! What about your Uncle Paul ?"


"He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on too. He was also scared and he jumped out of the back window and into the swimming pool. But I guess he didn't know that you took out the water last week to clean it cause he hit the bottom of the pool and I think he's dead"

***Long Pause***







***Longer Pause**





Then Daddy says,







"Swimming pool????"... Is this 486-5731 ?? <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ouch.gif" alt="" />

Say it with feeling: ....... <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/biggrin.gif" alt="" />

A bus stops and 2 Italian men get on. They sit down and engage in an
animated conversation. The lady sitting next to them ignores them at
first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of them say
the following:

"Emma come first. Den I come. Den two asses come together. I come
once-a-more. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee
twice. Then I come one lasta time."

"You foul-mouthed, sex-obsessed swine," retorted the lady indignantly.
"In this country....we don't speak aloud in public places about our sex
lives." "Hey, coola down lady," said the man. "Who talkin' abou ta sex?
I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how to spell Mississippi'."

<img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/biggrin.gif" alt="" />

A mother and her young son were flying Westjet Airlines from Edmonton to Calgary.

The son (who had been looking out the window) turned to his mother and asked, "If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?"

The mother (who couldn't think of an answer that wouldn't lead to items she was not prepared to discuss with her still-too-young son) told him to ask the stewardess.

So the boy asked the stewardess, "If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?"

The stewardess responded, "Did your mother tell you to ask me?" The boy admitted that this was the case. "Well, then, tell your mother that
there are no baby planes because Westjet always pulls out on time.

Your mother can explain THAT to you. <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/XmasJump.gif" alt="" />

A man walks into a bar with a paper bag. He sits down and places the bag on the counter. The bartender walks up and asks what's in the bag.

The man reaches into the bag and pulls out a little man, about one foot high and sets him on the counter. He reaches back into the bag and pulls out a small piano, setting it on the counter as well. He reaches into the bag once again and pulls out a tiny piano bench, which he places in front of the piano.

The little man sits down at the piano and starts playing a beautiful piece by Mozart!

"Where on earth did you get that?" says the bartender.

The man responds by reaching into the paper bag. This time he pulls out a magic lamp. He hands it to the bartender and says: "Here. Rub it."

So the bartender rubs the lamp, and suddenly there's a gust of smoke and a beautiful genie is standing before him.

"I will grant you one wish. Just one wish . each person is only allowed
one!"

The bartender gets real excited. Without hesitating he says, "I want a
million bucks!"

A few moments later, a duck walks into the bar. It is soon followed by
another duck, then another. Pretty soon, the entire bar is filled with
ducks and they keep coming.

The bartender turns to the man and says, "Y'know, I think your genie's a little deaf. I asked for a million bucks, not a million ducks."

"Tell me about it!!" says the man, "do you really think I asked for a 12 inch pianist?"

The Lone Ranger was ambushed and captured by an enemy Indian war party.

The Indian Chief proclaims, "So, you are the great Lone Ranger. In honour of the Harvest Festival, you will be executed in three days. But, before I kill you, I will grant you three requests. What is your first request?"

The Lone Ranger responds, "I'd like to speak to my horse."

The Chief nods and Silver is brought before the Lone Ranger, who whispers in Silver's ear and the horse gallops away. Later that evening, Silver returns with a beautiful blonde woman on his back.

As the Indian Chief watches, the blonde enters the Lone Ranger's tent and spends the night.

The next morning the Indian Chief admits he's impressed. "You have a very fine and loyal horse but I will still kill you in two days. What is your second request?"

The Lone Ranger again asks to speak to his horse. Silver is brought to him, and he again whispers in the horse's ear. As before, Silver takes off across the plains and disappears over the horizon.

Later that evening, to the Chief's surprise, Silver again returns, this time with a brunette, even more attractive than the blonde. She enters the Lone Ranger's tent and spends the night.

The following morning the Indian Chief is again impressed. "You are indeed a man of many talents but I still kill you tomorrow. "What is your last request?"

The Lone Ranger responds, "I'd like to speak to my horse....alone."

The Chief is curious but he agrees and Silver is brought to the Lone Ranger's tent.

Once they're alone, the Lone Ranger grabs Silver by both ears, looks him square in the eye and says, "Listen very carefully you dumb [nocando] horse. For the last time . . . BRING POSSEEEE!!!!" <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/silly.gif" alt="" />

A businessman was getting ready to go on a long business trip. He knew his
wife was a flirtatious sort with an extremely healthy sex drive, so he
thought he'd better buy her a little something to keep her occupied while
he was gone.

He went to a store that sold sex toys and started looking around for
something special to please his wife, and started talking to the old man
behind the counter. He explained his situation. The old man said, "Well,
We have vibrating dildos, special attachments, and so on, but I don't know of anything that
will keep her occupied for weeks, except---" and he stopped.

"Except what?" the man asked.
"Nothing, nothing."
"C'mon, tell me! I need something!"
"Well, sir, I don't usually mention this, but there is The Voodoo Penis."
"So what's up with this Voodoo Penis?" he asked.
The old man reached under the counter, and pulled out a very old wooden
box, carved with strange symbols and erotic images. He opened it, and there lay
an ordinary-looking dildo. The businessman laughed, and said, "Big damn
deal. It looks like every other dildo in this shop!"

The old man replied, "But you haven't seen what it'll do yet." He pointed
to a door and said, "Voodoo Penis, the door." The Voodoo Penis miraculously
rose out of its box, darted over to the door, and started pounding the
keyhole. The whole door shook wildly with the vibrations, so much so that a
crack began to form down the middle. Before the door split, the old man
said "Voodoo Penis, return to box!" The Voodoo Penis stopped, levitated back to
the box and lay there quiet once more.

"I'll take it!" said the businessman.
The guy took it home to his wife, told her it was a special dildo and that
to use it, all she had to do was say "Voodoo Penis, my crotch."

After he'd been gone a few days, the wife was unbearably horny and
remembered the Voodoo Penis. She undressed, opened the box and said "Voodoo
Penis, my crotch!"

The Voodoo Penis shot to her crotch and started pumping. It was absolutely
incredible, like nothing she'd ever experienced before. After three mind-
shattering orgasms, she became very exhausted and decided she'd had enough.
She tried to pull it out, but it was stuck in her, still thrusting. She
tried and tried to get it out, but nothing worked. Her husband had
forgotten to tell her how to shut it off. Worried, she decided to go to the hospital
to see if they could help. She put her clothes on, got in the car and
started to drive, quivering with every thrust of the dildo. On the way,
another incredibly intense orgasm made her swerve all over the road. A
police officer saw this and immediately pulled her over. He asked for her
license, and then asked how much she'd had to drink. Gasping and twitching,
she explained, "I haven't had anything to drink, officer. You see, I've got
this Voodoo Penis thing stuck in my crotch and it won't stop screwing me!"

The officer looked at her for a second, shook his head and in an arrogant
voice replied, "Yeah, right... Voodoo Penis, my a$$." <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ouch.gif" alt="" />

Well, Jurak, you did it once again!! You made me laugh untill I almost peed my pants <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" />

Aaaah! if it wasn't for our resident MC (Master of Ceremonies) this forum would be great but with Jurak well it is just plain Excellent <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/biggrin.gif" alt="" />

Thanks my friend <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/up.gif" alt="" />

SNIFFER DOG

A man had just settled into his seat next to the window on
the plane when another man sat down in the aisle seat and
put his black Labrador Retriever in the middle seat next to
the man.

The first man looks very quizzically at the dog and asks
why the dog is allowed on the plane. The second man
explained that he is a DEA agent and that the dog is a
"sniffing dog." His name is Sniffer and he's the best
there is. I'll show you once we get airborne, when I put
him to work."

The plane takes off, and once it has leveled out, the agent
says: "Watch this." He tells Sniffer to "search."
Sniffer jumps down, walks along the aisle, and finally sits
very purposefully next to a woman for several seconds.
Sniffer then returns to its seat and puts one paw on the
agent's arm.

The agent says, "Good boy", and he turns to the man and
says: "That woman is in possession of marijuana, so I'm
making a note of her seat number and the authorities will apprehend her when
we land."

"Say, that's pretty neat" replies the first man.

Once again, the agent sends Sniffer to search the aisles.
The Lab sniffs about, sits down beside a man for a few
seconds, returns to its seat, and this time, he places
TWO paws on the agent's arm.

The agent says, "That man is carrying cocaine, so
again, I'm making a note of his seat number for the police."

"I like it!" says his seat mate.

The agent then told Sniffer to "search" again.

Sniffer walked up and down the aisles for a little while,
sat down for a moment, and then came racing back to
the agent, jumped into the middle seat and proceeded
to poop all over the place.

The first man is really grossed out by this behavior and
can't figure out how or why a well-trained dog would
act like that, so he asks the agent "What's going on?"

The agent nervously replied, "He just found a bomb!"


<img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/biggrin.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/biggrin.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/biggrin.gif" alt="" />

great jokes dude they rule!!!!!!

I made this one up on my own. <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/delight.gif" alt="" /> Actually, I'm making it up right now. <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/biggrin.gif" alt="" />


A man walks into a cornerstore with a gun. There are a few customers inside.
"Everyone get down! This is a stickup!"
Everyone gets to the ground.
"You", says the robber pointing at the store owner. "Empty your register into this bag." The robber turns to the others. "And if anyone tries to pull anything, I will shoot you, I promise.
Upon hearing this, one customer suddenly jumped up and tackled the robber to the ground, knocking him unconcious. Everyone cheered for the hero, but he just said.
"Wow, what a loser. He didn't keep his promise... <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/suspicion.gif" alt="" /> ."



Some may think the joke is crude, but it came to mind and I had to write it. <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/tongue.gif" alt="" />

'Ats da way it is! Inspiration must be let loose!!! <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/winkwink.gif" alt="" />


Killerzzz

hmm ...well I guess even Dave Allen had to start somehow ...somewhere, so continue with making jokes and eventually they will be better yet <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/biggrin.gif" alt="" />