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Jurak Offline OP
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hahahahahahaahahaha....... <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/biggrin.gif" alt="" />

had to read that twice.....
nice Cleg..... <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/biggrin.gif" alt="" />


[color:"#33cc3"]Jurak'sRunDownShack!
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Chris Rock's Quote of the Year

"You know the world is going crazy when the best
rapper is a white guy, the
best golfer is a black guy, the tallest guy in the
NBA is Chinese, the Swiss
hold the America's Cup, France is accusing the U.S.
of arrogance, Germany
doesn't want to go to war, and the three most
powerful men in America
are named Bush, Dick, and Colon.

Need I say more?" <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/biggrin.gif" alt="" />


[color:"#33cc3"]Jurak'sRunDownShack!
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<img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/biggrin.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/biggrin.gif" alt="" />

Horny Husband

A man returned home from the night shift and went straight up to the
bedroom.

He found his wife with the sheet pulled over her head, fast asleep.

Not to be denied, the horny husband crawled under the sheet and proceeded to
make love to her.

Afterward, he hurried downstairs for something to eat and was startled to
find breakfast on the table and his wife pouring coffee.

"How'd you get down here so fast?" he asked. "We were just making love!"

"Oh my God," his wife gasped, "That's my mother up there! She came over and
complained of having a headache. I told her to lie down for awhile."

Rushing upstairs, the wife ran to the bedroom. "Mother, I can't believe this
happened. Why didn't you say something?"

The mother-in-law huffed, "I haven't spoken to that jerk for 15 years and
I wasn't about to start now!"


<img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" />


[color:"#33cc3"]Jurak'sRunDownShack!
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Two Arabs boarded a flight out of London. One took a window seat and the other sat next to him in the middle seat. Just before takeoff, a Marine sat down in the aisle seat.

After takeoff, the Marine kicked his shoes off, wiggled his toes and was settling in when the Arab in the window seat said, "I need to get up and get a coke."

"Don't get up," said the Marine, "I'm in the aisle seat, I'll get it for you." As soon as he left, one of the Arabs picked up the Marines shoe and
spat in it.

When the Marine returned with the coke, the other Arab said, "That looks good, I'd really like one, too." Again, the Marine obligingly went to fetch it. While he was gone the other Arab picked up the Marines other shoe and spat in it. When the Marine returned, they all sat back and enjoyed the flight.

As the plane was landing, the Marine slipped his feet into his shoes and knew immediately what had happened. "Why does it have to be this way?" he asked. "How long must this go on? This fighting between our nations? This hatred? This animosity? This spitting in shoes and pissing in cokes?" <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ouch.gif" alt="" />


[color:"#33cc3"]Jurak'sRunDownShack!
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Gravity is a myth; Earth sucks.


The question is not, Can they reason? nor, Can they talk? but, Can they suffer?
~Jeremy Bentham
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I was on an elevator the other day, and the operator kept calling me 'son.'
I said, 'Why do you call me 'son'? You're not my father.'
He said, 'I brought you up, didn't I?'


The question is not, Can they reason? nor, Can they talk? but, Can they suffer?
~Jeremy Bentham
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Oh well done both of you, and some unecpected hilarity from Cleg Thanks guy's <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/up.gif" alt="" />


Mea Culpa's Demesne Note; artwork for Avatar courtesy of NWN and CEP Old Elven Saying: "Never say Never if you're gonna live forever!!!" "I didn't do it, it wasn't my fault"
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The first scientists who studied fog were mistified.

Here in Texas the Native Americans frequently influence the weather which is why we often have Apache fog.

Of course the most incredible fog is in Italy when you can find a bigamist.


The question is not, Can they reason? nor, Can they talk? but, Can they suffer?
~Jeremy Bentham
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How does an attorney sleep? First he lies on one side, then he lies on
the other.


The question is not, Can they reason? nor, Can they talk? but, Can they suffer?
~Jeremy Bentham
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The following is an actual question given on University of Liverpool chemistry finals. The answer by one student was so "profound" that the professor shared it with colleagues via the Internet, which is why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well.


Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law that gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed or some variant.

One student, however, wrote the following:

First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, ! no souls are leaving.

As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell.

Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell.

With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially.
Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell. Because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay constant, the volume of Hell must expand proportionately as souls are added.



This gives two possibilities:

1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks
loose.

2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.

So which is it?

If we accept the postulate given to me by Sandra during my freshman year that "it will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you," and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number 2 must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is endothermic and has already frozen over.

The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is extinct... leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a divine being - which explains why, last night, Sandra kept shouting "Oh God! Oh my God!"

THIS STUDENT RECEIVED THE ONLY "A"


Your existence alone, is excuse enough for the creation of the entire universe… Il you my darling Jeanne-Dré 
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Men strike back! ! ! ! ! ! !

How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened when she brings it.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.
--------------------------------------------------------------------
Why do women have smaller feet than men?
It's one of those "evolutionary things" that allows
them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
When she starts a sentence with "A man once told me..."
-------------------------------------------------------------------
How do you fix a woman's watch?
You don't. There is a clock on the oven.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Why do men fart more than women?
Because women can't shut up long enough to
build up the required pressure.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?
The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?
A woman who won't do what she's told.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
I married a Miss Right.
I just didn't know her first name was Always.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes
a woman's sex drive by 90%.
It's called a Wedding Cake.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Why do men die before their wives?
They want to.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Women will never be equal to men until they can
walk down the street with a bald head and a beer
gut, and still think they are sexy.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
In the beginning, God created the earth and rested.
Then God created Man and rested.
Then God created Woman.
Since then, neither God nor Man has rested.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Send this to a few good men who need a laugh and
to the select few women who can handle the truth !


*said very tongue in the cheek* (titc) <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/evilgrin1.gif" alt="" />


Mea Culpa's Demesne Note; artwork for Avatar courtesy of NWN and CEP Old Elven Saying: "Never say Never if you're gonna live forever!!!" "I didn't do it, it wasn't my fault"
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<img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" />

Those were just brilliant <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/winkwink.gif" alt="" />


Your existence alone, is excuse enough for the creation of the entire universe… Il you my darling Jeanne-Dré 
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<img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/biggrin.gif" alt="" />


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Why did the chicken cross the road, roll in the dirt and cross the road again?
He was a dirty double crosser.

Why did the armadillo cross the road?
He never made it across the road.

Why did the woman cross the road?
Who told her she could leave the kitchen?


The question is not, Can they reason? nor, Can they talk? but, Can they suffer?
~Jeremy Bentham
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@ Mea and Cleglaw
you men may have won the battle, but not the war! <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/biggrin.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/evilgrin1.gif" alt="" />



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Why do men like BMW?
They can spell it.

I knew a man who didn't talk to his wife for 15 years.
He didn't want to interrupt her.



The question is not, Can they reason? nor, Can they talk? but, Can they suffer?
~Jeremy Bentham
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During a vicious hail storm a Blonde had her BMW damaged full of dents like a ton of golf balls hit the thing ..... so she brought it to a panel shop to get fixed, but due to the hail storm the panel shop had more business than it could handle, but the kindly panel beater told the blonde to take the car home and in the morning go to the back of the car, blow into the exhaust pipe and all the dents would pop out!

Next morning the Blonde does just that, while bent over the exhaust pipe blowing, her Blonde Girlfriend drives up, says what are you doing? after a lengthy explanation (read above if you are blonde) the Blonde Girl Friend starts to laugh and says you are so gullible , that will never work!!!

The first Blonde wants to know why it don't work, so the Blonde Girlfriend explains : you are so silly, don't you know you have to roll up the windows first!!!!

<img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" />


Mea Culpa's Demesne Note; artwork for Avatar courtesy of NWN and CEP Old Elven Saying: "Never say Never if you're gonna live forever!!!" "I didn't do it, it wasn't my fault"
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Don't play chess with Eastern European women.
There is danger of a Czech mate.


The question is not, Can they reason? nor, Can they talk? but, Can they suffer?
~Jeremy Bentham
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Most remember from their school days of having to read and then submit a book report on what they had read... I wonder what kind of reception this would have received during your time in school?


Students were assigned to read 2 books, "Titanic" & "My Life" by Bill Clinton.
One smart-*ss student turned in the following book report, with the proposition that they were nearly identical stories!
His cool professor gave him an A+ for this report:





Titanic:..... $29.99

Clinton:..... $29.99





Titanic:..... Over 3 hours to read

Clinton:..... Over 3 hours to read





Titanic:..... The story of Jack and Rose, their forbidden love, and subsequent catastrophe.

Clinton:..... The story of Bill and Monica, their forbidden love, and subsequent catastrophe.





Titanic:..... Jack is a starving artist.

Clinton:..... Bill is a bullsh* t artist.





Titanic:..... In one scene, Jack enjoys a good cigar.

Clinton:..... Ditto for Bill.





Titanic:..... During ordeal, Rose's dress gets ruined.

Clinton:..... Ditto for Monica.





Titanic:..... Jack teaches Rose to spit.

Clinton:..... Let's not go there.





Titanic:..... Rose gets to keep her jewelry.

Clinton:..... Monica's forced to return her gifts.





Titanic:..... Rose remembers Jack for the rest of her life.

Clinton:..... Clinton doesn't remember Jack.





Titanic:..... Rose goes down on a vessel full of sea men.

Clinton:..... Monica...oh, let's not go there, either.





Titanic:..... Jack surrenders to an icy death.

Clinton:..... Bill goes home to Hilary...basically the same thing.


<img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/biggrin.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/biggrin.gif" alt="" />


Mea Culpa's Demesne Note; artwork for Avatar courtesy of NWN and CEP Old Elven Saying: "Never say Never if you're gonna live forever!!!" "I didn't do it, it wasn't my fault"
Joined: Apr 2003
Jurak Offline OP
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One Monday morning a mailman is walking the neighbourhood on his usual route.
As he approaches one of the homes he notices that both cars were in the driveway. His wonder was cut short by Bob, the homeowner, coming out witha load of empty beer and liquor bottles. "Wow Bob, looks like you guys had one hell of a party last night." the mailman comments.

Bob in obvious pain replies, "Actually we had it Saturday night. This
is the first I have felt like moving since 4:00 am Sunday morning. We had about fifteen couples from around the neighbourhood over for some weekend fun and it got a bit wild. Hell, we got so drunk around midnight that we started playing WHO AM I?"

The mailman thinks a moment and says, "How do you play that?"

"Well all the guys go in the bedroom and we come out one at a time with a sheet covering us and only our "privates" showing through a hole in the sheet. Then the women try to guess who it is."

The mailman laughs and says, "Damn, I'm sorry I missed that.

"Probably a good thing you did," Bob responds. "Your name came up seven times...." <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" />


[color:"#33cc3"]Jurak'sRunDownShack!
Third Member of Off-Topic Posters
Defender of the [color:"green"]PIF.
[/color] Das Grosse Grüne Ogre!!! [/color]
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