Larian Studios Forums General Chat Chat (Anything) did we do jokes already?

Whatever happened to Dave Allen at large....
.... funny little nine-fingered guy he was.... <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/biggrin.gif" alt="" />

[color:"pink"] Whatever happened to Dave Allen at large [/color]

hmm IIRC he is pushing up Daisie's <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/alien.gif" alt="" />

So he's up there with Benny Hill at least.. <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/biggrin.gif" alt="" />

Reasons you should have someone else look at your company name before you shell out for a domain name...

1) Who Represents?, a database for agencies to the rich and famous:
http://www.whorepresents.com

2) Experts Exchange, a knowledge base where programmers can exchange advice and views:
http://www.expertsexchange.com

3) Looking for a pen? Look no further than Pen Island:
http://www.penisland.net

4) Need a therapist?
http://www.therapistfinder.com

5) Mole Station Native Nursery, based in New South Wales:
http://www.molestationnursery.com

6) Gas central heating anyone?
http://www.gasheating.co.uk

7) New to Milan and you need electric light? Why not sign up on-line with Power-Gen?
http://www.powergenitalia.com

Master Peacock

Nice ones HeF <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/biggrin.gif" alt="" />

A guy out on the golf course gets hit in the crotch.
Writhing in agony, he falls to the ground. As soon as he could manage,
he took himself to the doctor.
He said "How bad is it doc?...I'm going on my honeymoon next week.
The doctor told him, "I'll have to put your willie in a splint to let it heal
and keep it straight. It should be okay next week." He took four tongue depressors and formed a neat little 4 sided splint, and taped it all together; ..an impressive work of art.
The guy mentions none of this to his girl, marries her, and goes on their honeymoon. That night in the motel room, she rips open her blouse to reveal
her beautiful breasts. She said, "You're the first; no one has EVER touched these."

He immediately drops his pants

and replies,....................... "Look at this,....still in the CRATE!"

<img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" />

@ Jurak
<img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" />

This guy walks into a bar, notices a very large jar on the counter, and sees it's filled to the brim with $10 bills. He guesses there must be a thousand dollars in it. He approaches the bartender and asks. "What's with the jar?" "Well, you pay $10 and if you pass three tests, you get all the money and the keys to a brand new 500 SL MBZ."

The man certainly isn't going to pass this up. "What are the three tests?" "Pay first, those are the rules," says the bartender. So the man gives him the $10 and the bartender drops it into the jar.

"OK," the bartender says. Here's what you need to do: First - You have to drink that entire liter of pepper tequila, the whole thing, all at once ... and you can't make a face while doing it.

Second, There's a pit bull chained-up out back with a sore tooth. You have to remove the tooth with your bare hands.

Third. There's a 90-year old woman upstairs who has never reached orgasm during intercourse. You've gotta make things right for her."

The man is stunned. "I know I paid my $10, but I'm not an idiot! I won't do it! You have to be nuts to drink a gallon of pepper tequila, and then do those other things..." "Your call," says the bartender, "but your money stays where it is."

As time goes on and the man has a few drinks, then a few more, he asks, "Where ez zat tequila?" He grabs the liter with both hands and downs it with a big slurp. Tears stream down both cheeks, but he doesn't make a face.

Next, he staggers out back where the pit bull is chained-up and soon the people inside the bar hear a huge, noisy, scuffle going on outside. They hear the pit bull barking, the guy screaming, the pit bull yelping and then . . . silence. Just when they think the man surely must be dead, he staggers back into the bar, with his shirt ripped and large bloody scratches all over his body.

"Now," he says. "where's the old woman with the sore tooth?" <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" />

<img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ouch.gif" alt="" />

This has got to be one of the funniest I've heard of in a long time. This guy should have been promoted, not fired. This is a true story from the WordPerfect Helpline which was transcribed from a recording monitoring the Customer care department.

Needless to say, the Help Desk employee was fired, however he is currently suing the WordPerfect organization for "Termination without Cause."

This is the actual dialogue of a former WordPerfect Customer Support Employee (now I know why they record these conversations):

*************************************************************

Employee "Rich Hall, Computer Assistance; may I help you?"

Customer "Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect."

Employee "What sort of trouble?"

Customer "Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away."

Employee "Went away?"

Customer "They disappeared."

Employee "Hmmm... So what does your screen look like now?"

Customer "Nothing."

Employee "Nothing?"

Customer "It's a blank; it won't accept anything when I type."

Employee "Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?"

Customer "How do I tell?"

Employee "Can you see the 'C': prompt on the screen?"

Customer "What is a sea prompt?"

Employee "Never mind, can you move your cursor around the screen?"

Customer "There isn't any cursor; I told you, it won't accept anything I type."

Employee "Does your monitor have a power indicator?"

Customer "What's a monitor?"

Employee "It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on?"

Customer "I don't know."

Employee "Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that?"

Customer "Yes, I think so."

Employee "Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's
plugged into the wall."

Customer "Yes, it is."

Employee "When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it or just one?"

Customer "No."

Employee "Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable."

Customer "Okay, here it is."

Employee "Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer."

Customer "I can't reach."

Employee "Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is?"

Customer "No."

Employee "Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?"

Customer "Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle, it's
because it's dark."

Employee "Dark?"

Customer "Yes -- the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window."

Employee "Well, turn on the office light, then."

Customer "I can't."

Employee "No? Why not?"

Customer "Because there's a power failure."

Employee "A power.......a power failure? ... Aha, okay, we've got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and the packing stuff your computer came in?"

Customer "Well, yes, I keep them in the closet."

Employee "Good.. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from."

Customer "Really? Is it that bad?"

Employee "Yes, I'm afraid it is."

Customer "Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?"

Employee "Tell them you're too stupid to own a computer."

<img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/biggrin.gif" alt="" />

For the little cynic in all of us.
>>> >>
>>> >>
>>> >>You have two choices in life:
>>> >>You can stay single and be miserable, or get married and wish you
>>> >>were
>>> >>dead.
>>> >>
>>> >>At a cocktail party, one woman said to another, "Aren't you wearing
>>> >>your
>>> >>wedding ring on the wrong finger?"
>>> >>"Yes, I am. I married the wrong man."
>>> >>
>>> >>A lady inserted an ad in the classifieds:
>>> >>"Husband Wanted".
>>> >>Next day she received a hundred letters.
>>> >>They all said the same thing:
>>> >>"You can have mine."
>>> >>
>>> >>When a woman steals your husband, there is no
>>>better revenge than
>>> >>to let
>>> >>her keep him.
>>> >>
>>> >>A woman is incomplete until she is married. Then she is finished
>>> >>
>>> >> A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to
>>> >>get
>>> >>married?"
>>> >>Father replied, "I don't know son, I'm still paying."
>>> >>
>>> >>A young son asked, "Is it true Dad, that in some parts of Africa a
>>> >>man
>>> >>doesn't know his wife until he marries her?"
>>> >>Dad replied, "That happens in every country, son."
>>> >>
>>> >>Then there was a woman who said, "I never knew what real happiness
>>> >>was
>>> >>until I got married, and by then, it was too late."
>>> >>
>>> >>Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.
>>> >>
>>> >>If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to
>>>every
>>> >>word
>>> >>you say -- talk in your sleep.
>>> >>
>>> >>Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go through life
>>> >>thinking
>>> >>they had no faults at all.
>>> >>
>>> >>First guy says, "My wife's an angel!"
>>> >>Second guy remarks, "You're lucky, mine's still alive."
>>> >>
>>> >>A Woman's Prayer:
>>> >>"Dear Lord, I pray for: Wisdom, To understand a man , to Love and
>>> >>to
>>> >>forgive him , and for patience, For his moods. Because Lord, if I
>>> >>pray for
>>> >>Strength I'll just beat him to death "
>>> >>
>>> >>AND NOW FOR THE FAVORITE!!!
>>> >>
>>> >>Husband and wife are waiting at the bus stop with their nine
>>> >>children. A
>>> >>blind man joins them after a few minutes. When the bus arrives,
>>> >>they find
>>> >>it
>>>overloaded and only the wife and the nine kids are able to fit
>>> >>onto the
>>> >>bus.
>>> >>
>>> >>So the husband and the blind man decide to walk. After a while,
>>> >>the
>>> >>husband gets irritated by the ticking of the stick of the blind man
>>> >>as he
>>> >>taps it on the sidewalk, and says to him, "Why don't you put a
>>> >>piece of
>>> >>rubber at the end of your stick? That ticking sound is driving me
>>> >>crazy."
>>> >>
>>> >>The blind man replies, "If you would've put a rubber at the end of
>>> >>YOUR
>>> >>stick, we'd be riding the bus ... so shut the hell up."

<img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/wave.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/silly.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/stupid.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/XmasJump.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/bday_jump.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/tongue.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/kissyou.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/kissyou.gif" alt="" />

<img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" /> <pisses self laughing> That's the best one I've heard in a long time!

Paddy had been drinking at his local Dublin pub all day and
most of the night celebrating St Patrick's Day.

Mick, the bartender says, " You'll not be drinking anymore
tonight Paddy.

Paddy replies, "OK Mick, I'll be on my way then."

Paddy spins around on his stool and steps off. He falls flat
on his face.



"Shoite" he says and pulls himself up by the stool and
dusts himself off.



He takes a step towards the door and falls flat on his face,
"Shoite, Shoite!"



He looks to the doorway and thinks to himself that if he can
just get to the door and some fresh air he'll be fine.



He belly crawls to the door and shimmies up to the door frame.

He sticks his head outside and takes a deep breath of fresh
air, feels much better and takes a step out onto the sidewalk
and falls flat on his face.



"Bi'Jesus... I'm fockin' focked," he says.



He can see his house just a few doors down, and crawls to the
door, hauls himself up the door frame, opens the door and
shimmies inside.



He takes a look up the stairs and says "No fockin' way".



He crawls up the stairs to his bedroom door and says "I can
make
it to the bed."



He takes a step into the room and falls flat on his face.



He says "Fock it" and falls into bed.

The next morning, his wife, Jess, comes into the room carrying
a cup of coffee and says, "Get up Paddy.



Did you have a bit to drink last night?".

Paddy says, "I did Jess. I was fockin' pissed. But how'd you
know?"



"Mick phoned, . . .
You left your wheelchair at the pub."

Once there was a millionaire, who collected live alligators. He
kept them in the pool in back of his mansion. The millionaire also
had a beautiful daughter who was single. One day he decides to
throw a huge party, and during the party he announces, "My dear
guests...I have a proposition to every man here. I will give one
million dollars or my daughter to the man who can swim across this
pool full of alligators and emerge unharmed!" As soon as he finished
his last word, there was the sound of a large SPLASH!! There was
one guy in the pool swimming with all he could...the crowd cheered
him on as he kept stroking. Finally, he made it to the other side
unharmed. The millionaire was impressed. He said, "My boy that
was incredible! Fantastic! I didn't think it could be done! Well
I must keep my end of the bargain...which do you want, my daughter
or the one million dollars?" The guy says, "Listen, I don't want
your money! And I don't want your daughter! I want the person who
pushed me in that WATER!! <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/biggrin.gif" alt="" />

Sesame Street Bus.... heard this one a few years ago. Still my favorite clean joke.....

There was this guy who just got a new job as a school bus driver for elementary school children. He thought it would be nice to paint the school bus with characters from Sesame Street. So, he painted Bert and Ernie, Big Bird, The Cookie Monster and so forth. At his first stop, there was this very over-weight little girl. He opened the door and said, " Hi, I'm the new bus driver. What is your name?" The girl said that her name was Pattie.

Waiting at the next stop was another over-weight little girl. He said, "Hi, I'm the new bus driver. What is your name?" She said that her name was Pattie also.

At the next stop, there was a grown woman and a little boy. The bus driver said, "Hi, I'm the new bus driver. What is your name?" The woman piped up and said, "His name is Ross and he is my son." She continued, "He is very, very special, so I want you to take extra good care of him." The bus driver replied, "No problem." "He can have this seat right behind me and I can watch him really good in the mirror."

At the next stop, there was this little country boy standing there. The little boy was wearing tattered overalls and had no shoes or socks on his feet. The poor little boy had problems walking because of bunions all over his feet. The bus driver said, "Hi, I'm the new bus driver. What is your name?" The little boy replied, "My name is Lester Cleese."

Well, little Lester picked at his bunions all the way to the school house, nearly driving the driver crazy. Later that night, at home, his wife asked him how his first day on the new job was.

The man replied: Well, I had Two Obese Patties, Special Ross, Lester Cleese Picking Bunions On A Sesame Street Bus."

<img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/silly.gif" alt="" />

Once again many many thanks, for these wonderful Jokes.
Thanks Jurak <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/biggrin.gif" alt="" />

No words to describe this feeling!
<img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" />

no sweat my man... <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/up.gif" alt="" /> ....at least somebody enjoys them..... <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/biggrin.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/biggrin.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/biggrin.gif" alt="" />


besides me that is..... <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/stupid.gif" alt="" />

Did you hear about the miracle of the blind carpenter?
He picked up a hammer and saw.

Don't leave alphabet soup unattended on the stove.
It might spell disaster.

Soldiers take a rest on April 1st after a long March.