Larian Studios Forums General Chat Chat (Anything) did we do jokes already?

The priest in a small Irish village loved the cock and 10 hens he kept
in the hen house behind the church.
But one Saturday night,the cock went missing!
The priest knew that cockfights happened in the village, so he started
to question his parishioners in church the next morning.
During Mass, he asked the congregation, "Has anybody got a cock?"
All the men stood up.
"No, no!" he exclaimed. "That wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen a
cock?"
All the women stood up.
"No, no!" he said. "That wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen a cock
that doesn't belong to them?"
Half the women stood up.
"No, no!" he said, "That wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen MY cock?"
All the nuns, three altar boys, two priests, and a goat stood up! <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/biggrin.gif" alt="" />

Aaah! classic Jurak <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" />

Soo good!! <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" />

TWO NUNS

There were two nuns...
One of them was known as Sister Mathematical and the other one was known
as Sister Logical (SL).

It is getting dark and they are still far away from the convent.

SM: Have you noticed that a man has been following us for the past
thirty-eight and a half minutes? I wonder what he wants.

SL: It's logical. He wants to rape us.

SM: Oh, no! At this rate he will reach us in 15 minutes at the most!
What can we do?

SL: The only logical thing to do of course is to walk faster.

SM: It's not working.

SL: Of course it's not working. The man did the only logical thing.

He started to walk faster, too.

SM: So, what shall we do? At this rate he will reach us in one minute.

SL: The only logical thing we can do is split. You go that way and I'll
go this way. He cannot follow us both.

So the man decided to follow Sister Logical.

Sister Mathematical arrives at the convent and is worried about what has
happened to Sister Logical.

Then Sister Logical arrives.

SM: Sister Logical! Thank God you are here! Tell me what happened!

SL: The only logical thing happened. The man couldn't follow us both,so
he followed me

SM: Yes, yes! But what happened then?

SL: The only logical thing happened. I started to run as fast as I could
and he started to run as fast as he could.

SM: And?

SL: The only logical thing happened. He reached me

SM: Oh, dear! What did you do?

SL: The only logical thing to do. I lifted my dress up.

SM: Oh, Sister! What did the man do?

SL: The only logical thing to do. He pulled down his pants.

SM: Oh, no! What happened then?

SL: Isn't it logical, Sister? A nun with her dress up can run faster
than man with his pants down.

And for those of you who thought it would be dirty,

I'll pray for you!

She used to be a nun, but was expelled because of dirty habits.

What's black and white and black and white and black and white?
A nun rolling down a hill

These jokes arrived nun too soon.

Jesus was on the cross...and he calls to Peter and Peter tries to approach, though the roman guards prevent him with violence they blacken his eye and scuff him up. Jesus again calls him .... and Peter cries "I'm coming lord" and throws himself at the guards who beat him roughly and break his arm
at which point he whimpers off. Again Jesus calls to Peter....Peter yells to Christ "i am coming!" and he throws himself at the guards again
putting up a vicious struggle but not laying a hand of violence on the guards
finally they consent to let him pass. Peter.. his arm broken.... badly bruised and slashed makes it before Jesus and kneels and says "i am here father what is it that you want of me?"


Peter, i can see your house from here!!

Soo cruel and yet soo funny!! <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" />

Mr. Goldstein runs a factory which produces NAILS. He is getting on in years, and decides that he wants to take his wife to Israel for a trip. So he speaks to his son Moishe, "I want to take your mother for a trip to Israel for a few months--will you look after the factory for me?"

"Not a problem," says Moishe.

Off go Goldstein and his wife, and they have the most wonderful trip to Israel. On their return, Goldstein is very anxious to find out how things went at the business, so he phones Moishe and they make arrangements to meet at the factory.

"Well," says the father, "how did the business go while I was away?"

Moishe goes to the drawer and brings out the books. "No problems," says Moishe, and he opens up the books for his father. And guess what--Moishe had tripled the sales.

Mr. Goldstein is absolutely overjoyed and asks his son, "How did you achieve this result?"

Moishe answers that it was just too easy. He goes to another drawer and brings out a poster of Jesus on the cross, and underneath is written in big letters, WE USED GOLDSTEIN'S NAILS.

Well, the father is horrified-- "How could you do this to me?! You know that I am president of the local U.J.A., I sit on the board of the Keren Kayemeth--your Mother is president of her Hadassah Group--I want you should never embarrass me like this again!"

Moishe apologizes and promises that it won't happen again.

A year later, Goldstein has the urge again to visit Israel. So, he again asks Moishe to look after the factory while he and Mrs. Goldstein make the trip. "Not a problem," says Moishe. Well, off they go, and they have a very enjoyable time, covering the country from north to south, east to west, and when eventually they return home, Mr. Goldstein again phones Moishe to meet him in the factory and go over the figures. They meet at the appointed time, and Moishe again brings out the books to show his dad the figures. Guess what--again he has tripled the figures. Well, Mr. Goldstein is absolutely delighted, and just a little bewildered.

"Moishe, the last time you tripled the figures, but this time again you tripled THOSE figures. Tell me, how did you achieve such a result?"

"Dead easy," replies Moishe. He goes to the drawer, and brings out a poster of Jesus lying on the ground. And below, in big lettering is printed, WE DID NOT USE GOLDSTEIN'S NAILS.

credit to James Ertner for these

What would you get if you crossed a bat with a lonely hearts club?
Lots of blind dates.

What would you get if you crossed an electric eel with a sponge?
A shock absorber.

What would you get if you crossed a parrot with a centipede?
A walkie-talkie.

What would you get if you crossed a mole with a porcupine?
A tunnel that leaks.

John invited his Mother over for dinner.
During the meal, his Mother couldn't help
noticing how beautiful John's roommate
Julie was. She had long been suspicious of a
relationship between John and his roommate.

Over the course of the evening, while watching
the two interact, she started to wonder if there
was more between John and the roommate than
meets the eye. Reading his Mom's thoughts,
John volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking,
but I assure you, Julie and I are just roommates."

About a week later, Julie came to John and said,
"Ever since your Mother came to dinner, I can't find
the beautiful silver gravy ladle. You don't suppose
your Mom took it, do you?" and John said, "Well, I
doubt it, but I'll write her a letter just to be sure."

John wrote:
"Dear Mother, I'm not saying you did take the
gravy ladle from my house and
I'm not saying you did not take the gravy
ladle but the fact remains that one
has been missing ever since you were
here for dinner. Love, John."

Several days later, John received a letter from his mother.

John's Mother wrote:
"Dear Son, I'm not saying that you "do"
sleep with Julie, and I'm not saying that
you "do not" sleep with Julie but the
fact remains that if she were sleeping
in her own bed, she would have found
the gravy ladle by now, Love Mom."

Good stuff, Spickey me Bro <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/biggrin.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" />



A few words from the visionary Steven Wright:
--------------------------------------------------------

Many people quit looking for work when they find a job.

Black holes are where God divided by zero.

All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand.

Early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.

OK, so what's the speed of dark?

How do you tell when you run out of invisible ink?

If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.

Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have.

Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.

Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.

Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film.

Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.

Many people quit looking for work when they find a job.

I intend to live forever - so far, so good.

Join the Army, meet interesting people, kill them.

If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

If I worked as much as others, I would do as little as they.

24 hours in a day ... 24 beers in a case ... coincidence?

Dancing is a perpendicular expression of a horizontal desire.

When I'm not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded.

Boycott shampoo! Demand the REAL poo!

Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard disk?

What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.

I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.

Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving definitely isn't for you.

A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.

Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.

No one is listening until you make a mistake. Success always occurs in private, and failure in full view.

The colder the X-ray table, the more of your body is required on it.

The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.

The severity of the itch is proportional to the reach.

To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.

Two wrongs are only the beginning.

You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.

Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.

The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.

Change is inevitable... except from vending machines.

A fool and his money are soon partying.

Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.

If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments.

Drugs may lead to nowhere, but at least it's the scenic route.

I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.

Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.

Borrow money from pessimists - they don't expect it back.

Half the people you know are below average.

99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.

Couple of crackers in there mea <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/up.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/up.gif" alt="" />

An Englishman's wife steps up to the tee and, as she bends over to
place her ball, a gust of wind blows her skirt up and reveals her
lack of underwear.

"Good God, woman! Why aren't you wearing any knickers?" her husband
demanded.

"Well, you don't give me enough housekeeping money to afford any."

The Englishman immediately reaches into his pocket and says, "For the
sake of decency, here's $50. Go and buy yourself some underwear."

Next, the Irishman's wife bends over to set her ball on the tee. Her
skirt also blows up to show that she is wearing no undies.
"Blessed Virgin Mary, woman! You've no knickers. Why not?"

She replies, "I can't afford any on the money you give me."

He reaches into his pocket and says, "For the sake of decency, here's
$20. Go and buy yourself some underwear!"

Lastly, the Scotsman's wife bends over. The wind also takes her skirt
over her head to reveal that she, too, is naked under it.
"Sweet mudder of Jesus, Aggie! Where the frig are yer drawers?"

She too explains, "You dinna give me enough money ta be able ta
affarrd any."

The Scotsman reaches into his pocket and says, "Well, fer the love 'o
Jasus, 'n the sake of decency, here's a comb. Tidy yerself up a bit."

<img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" />

My wife left me...



I don't understand. After the last child was born, she told me we had to cut back on expenses, I had to give up drinking beer. I was not a big drinker maybe a 12 pack on weekends. Anyway, I gave it up but I noticed the other day she came home from grocery shopping and when I looked at the receipt and saw $45 in makeup. I said, "Wait a minute I've given up beer and you haven't given up anything!"



She said, "I buy that makeup for you, so I can look pretty for you."



I told her, "Hell, that's what the beer was for!"



I don't think she'll be back.......... <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/badsmile2.gif" alt="" />

FOUR FRIENDS AT A PARTY

Four friends, who hadn't seen each other in 30 years,
reunited at a party.
After several drinks, one of the men had to use the rest
room. Those who remained talked about their kids.
The first guy said, "My son is my pride and joy. He
started working at a successful company at the bottom of the
barrel. He studied Economics and Business Administration and soon began to
climb the corporate ladder and now he's the president of the
company. He became so rich that he gave his best friend a
top of the line Mercedes for his birthday."
> >>>> >
> >>>> >The second guy said, "Darn, that's terrific! My son is
also my pride and joy. He started working for a big
airline,then went to flight school to become a pilot . Eventually he became a partner in the company, where he owns the majority of its assets. He's so rich that he gave his best friend a brand new jet for his birthday."
The third man said: "Well, that's terrific! My son
studied in the best universities and became an engineer. Then he
started his own construction company and is now a
multimillionaire. He also gave away something very nice and
expensive to his best friend for his birthday: A 30,000 square
foot mansion."
The three friends congratulated each other just as the
fourth returned from the restroom and asked: "What are all the
congratulations for?"
One of the three said: "We were talking about the pride
we feel for the successes of our sons. ...What about your son?"
The fourth man replied: "My son is gay and makes a
living dancing as a stripper at a nightclub."
The three friends said: "What a shame...what a
disappointment."
The fourth man replied: "No, I'm not ashamed. He's my
son and I love him. And he hasn't done too bad either.
His birthday was two weeks ago, and he received a beautiful 30,000
square foot mansion, a brand new jet and a top of the line Mercedes
from his three boyfriends." <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" />

The Husband Store

A store that sells new husbands has just opened in New York City, where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates.

You may visit the store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the attributes of the men increase as the shopper ascends the flights.

There is, however, a catch: you may choose any man from a particular floor, or you may choose to go up a floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!

So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband.

On the first floor the sign on the door reads:

Floor 1 - These men have jobs.

The second floor sign reads:

Floor 2 - These men have jobs and love kids.

The third floor sign reads:

Floor 3 - These men have jobs, love kids, and are extremely good looking.

"Wow," she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.

She goes to the fourth floor and sign reads:

Floor 4 - These men have jobs, love kids, are drop-dead good looking and help with the housework.

"Oh, mercy me!" she exclaims, "I can hardly stand it"

Still, she goes to the fifth floor and sign reads: .

Floor 5 - These men have jobs, love kids, are drop-dead gorgeous, help with the housework, and have a strong romantic streak.

She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.

A New Wives store opened across the street.

The first floor has wives that love sex.

The second floor has wives that love sex and have money.

The third through sixth floors have never been visited. ....... <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/stupid.gif" alt="" />

You are without a doubt, the only guy that has the absolute right to survive after a nucleair disaster, a tsunami and an earthquake all together. If you would ever die, laughter would die with you! <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/hug.gif" alt="" /> Thanks for making me and hubby laugh tonight!!! <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/hug.gif" alt="" />

Yay Gal, that's telling him <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> Brother Jurak you are without a doubt "Irreplaceable on this forum and that's a fact <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/up.gif" alt="" />

And we are not sucking up to you! <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/biggrin.gif" alt="" />

Well you ARE married after all <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/evilgrin1.gif" alt="" />