Larian Studios Forums General Chat Chat (Anything) did we do jokes already?

Eggs?

Ye, eggs. It's easterholiday now, you know <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/winkwink.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/biggrin.gif" alt="" />. (Not that I would have said anything else if it wasn't, I just find eggsactlly to sound funnier <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/biggrin.gif" alt="" />.)

Übereil

What is the very first time a kid fries eggs ?

An eggsperiment. <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/winkwink.gif" alt="" />

A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops.
On my desk I have a work station.

I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help
section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

Heh funny that Cleg, I say nearly the same to my Staff

"Staff serving Staff defeats the purpose of having Staff"

<img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/evilgrin1.gif" alt="" />

That tune is the infamous Colonel Bogey March>>> http://www.mvdaily.com/articles/1999/04/bogey.htm

That's it all right. Thanks Spick.



An engineer, a physicist, and a mathematician are shown a pasture
with a herd of sheep, and told to put them inside the smallest
possible amount of fence.

The ENGINEER is first. He herds the sheep into a circle and then
puts the fence around them, declaring, "A circle will use the least

fence for a given area, so this is the best solution."

The PHYSICIST is next. She creates a circular fence of infinite
radius around the sheep, and then draws the fence tight around the herd,
declaring, "This will give the smallest circular fence around the herd."

The MATHEMATICIAN is last. After giving the problem a little thought,
he puts a small fence around himself and then declares,
"I define myself to be on the outside!"

This is a most unusual paragraph. How quickly can you find out
what is so unusual about it? It looks so ordinary, you'd think
nothing was wrong with it and in fact, nothing is wrong with it.
It IS unusual, why? Study it. Think about it and you may find
out. Try to do it without coaching. If you work at it for a bit,
it will dawn on you. So jump to it! Try your skill at figuring it
out! Good Luck - Don't blow your cool!

<span class='standouttext'>Spoiler : </span><span class='spoiler'>There is not one letter "E" in the whole paragraph! </span>

I spent an whole minute and didn't spot the answer!...had to check out your spoiler. <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/shame.gif" alt="" />

Bah!! I did that 1 one second Spike <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" />

Ethel was a bit of a demon in her wheelchair and
loved to charge around the nursing home, taking corners on one
wheel, and getting up to maximum speed on the long corridors.

Because the poor woman was one sandwich short of a
picnic, the other residents tolerated her, and some of the
males actually joined in.

One day, Ethel was speeding up one corridor when a
door opened and Kooky Clarence stepped out with his arm
outstretched.

"STOP!" he shouted in a firm voice. "Have you got a
license for that thing?"

Ethel fished around in her handbag and pulled out a Kit Kat
wrapper, and held it up to him.

"OK" he said, and away Ethel sped down the hall.

As she took the corner near the TV lounge on one wheel, Weird
Harold popped out in front of her and shouted "STOP! Have you got
proof of insurance?" Ethel dug into her handbag, pulled out a drink
coaster, and held it up to him. Harold nodded, and said "Carry on,
ma'am."

As Ethel neared the final corridor before the front door, Crazy Craig
stepped out in front of her, stark naked, with a very sizable erection.

"Oh, good grief," cried Ethel, "not the Breathalyzer again."

Just when you thought it was safe to stop laughing!

Two old pensioners are taking a trip down memory lane by going
back to the place where they first met.

Sitting at a café, the little old man says,

"Remember the first time I met you over 50 years ago? We left this cafe, went round the corner behind the gas works, and I gave you one from behind."


Why, yes, I remember it well, dear," replies the little old lady with a grin.

"Well, for old time's sake, let's go there again. and I'll give you one from behind."

The two pensioners pay their bill and leave the cafe. A young man sitting next to them has overheard the conversation and smiles to himself, thinking it would be quite amusing to see two old pensioners at it. He gets up and follows them. Sure enough, he sees the two pensioners nearthe gas works. The little old lady pulls off her knickers and lifts up her dress. The old man pulls down his pants and grabs the lady's hips, and the little old lady reaches for the fence. Well, what follows is 40 minutes of the most athletic sex the man has ever seen. The little old man is banging away at the little old woman at a pace that can only be described as phenomenal. Limbs are flying everywhere, the movement is a blur, and they do not stop for a single second. Finally, they collapse and don't move for an hour.


Well, the man is stunned. Never in his life has he ever seen anything
that equates to this -- not in the movies, not from his friends, not from his own experiences.

Reflecting on what he has just seen, he says to himself, "I have to know his secret. If only I could shag like that now, let alone in 50 years' time!"

The two old pensioners have by this time recovered and dressed themselves. Plucking up courage, the man approaches the pensioner.

He says, "Sir, in all my life I have never seen anybody shag
like that, particularly at your age. What's your secret? Could you
shag like that 50 years ago?"



The pensioner replies, "Son, 50 years ago, that f##cking fence
wasn't electrified."

What a woman says: "This place is a mess C'mon, you and I need to clean up.

Your stuff is lying on the floor, and you'll have no clothes to wear, if we don't do laundry right now!"

What a man hears: blah, blah, blah, blah,

C'mon blah, blah, blah, blah,

you and I blah, blah, blah, blah,

on the floor blah, blah, blah, blah,

no clothes blah, blah, blah, blah,

right now !
<img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />

Men are like toilets -- either they're taken, or full of crap! <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/tongue.gif" alt="" />

Poor guy
A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.

He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife:

"Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck." If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."

To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He wwas whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!"
<img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/biggrin.gif" alt="" />

Hung Chow calls in to work and says: "Hey, boss I no come work today, I weally sick. I got headache, stomach ache and my legs hurt. I no come work."

The boss says: "You know Hung Chow, I really need you today. When I feel like this I go to my wife and tell her to give me sex. Makes everything better and I can go to work"

Two hours later Hung Chow calls again: "Boss, I do exactly what you say and I feel great. I be at work soon .....You got nice house!"

Boom! Boom!! <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/evilgrin1.gif" alt="" />

This one made i giggle a lot <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/up.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/up.gif" alt="" />
.
A posh dwarf with a lisp goes into a stud farm.

"I'd like to buy a horth" he says to the owner of the farm.
"What sort of horse" asks the owner.
"A female horth" replies the dwarf.

So the owner shows him a mare.
"Nithe horth" says the dwarf, "Can I thee her eyth?"

The owner picks up the dwarf and shows him the horse's eyes.
"Nithe eyth" says the dwarf, "Can I thee her teeth?"

The owner picks up the dwarf and shows him the horse's teeth.
"Nithe teeth" says the dwarf, "Can I thee her eerth?"

By now the owner is getting a little fed up, but still he picks the dwarf up and shows him the horse's ears.
"Nithe eerth" says the dwarf, "But do you think it pothible to thee her twot?"
With that the owner picks up the dwarf and shoves his head deep inside the horse's vagina. He holds him there for a second or two before pulling him out and putting him down.

The dwarf composes himself and says "Errm, perhapth I should wefwaze that.....can I thee her wun awound?"

"Recycled toilet paper or not? A family's bottom line."

"How To Move an Elephant"
by, Howie Turner

The famous law firm,
Dewey Cheatem and Howe

"The Yellow River"
by, I. P. Daly

"Do It Yourself Auto Repairs"
by, Immanuel Transmithson