Larian Studios Forums General Chat Chat (Anything) did we do jokes already?

Must you remind me of that fact again? <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/suspicion.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ouch.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/evilgrin1.gif" alt="" />

<img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/stupid.gif" alt="" /> thanks guys! <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/up.gif" alt="" />

Don't drink light beer.

The Tax Inspector


At the end of the tax year, the Tax Office sent an
inspector to audit the books of a synagogue. While he was
checking the books he turned to the Rabbi and
said: "I notice you buy a lot of candles.What do you do
with the candle drippings?"

Good question," noted the Rabbi. "We save them up
and send them back to the candle makers, and every now
and then they send us a free box of candles."

Oh," replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that
his unusual question had a practical answer. But on he
went, in his obnoxious way: "What about all these biscuit
purchases? What do you do with the crumbs?"

Ah, yes," replied the Rabbi, realising that the
inspector was trying to trap him with an unanswerable
question. "We collect them and send them back to the
manufacturers, and every now and then they send a free box
of holy biscuits."

I see," replied the auditor, thinking hard about how
he could fluster the know-it-all Rabbi. "Well, Rabbi," he
went on, "what do you do with all the leftover foreskins from
the circumcisions you perform?"

Here, too, we do not waste," answered the Rabbi.
"What we do is save up all the foreskins and send them to
the Tax Office, and about once a year they send us a
complete dick."

<img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/evilgrin1.gif" alt="" />

Hillary Clinton is visiting a school. In one class, she asks the students if anyone can give him an example of a "tragedy." One little boy stands up and offers that, "If my best friend who lives next door is playing in the street when a car came by and killed him, that would be a tragedy."

"No," Clinton says, "That would be an ACCIDENT."

A girl raises her hand. "If a school bus carrying fifty children drove off a cliff, killing everyone inside...that would be a tragedy."

"I'm afraid not," explains Clinton. "That is what we would call a GREAT LOSS."

The room is silent; none of the other children dare volunteer.

"What?" asks Clinton, "Isn't there anyone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?"

Finally a boy in the back raises his hand. In a timid voice, he says: "If an airplane carrying you was blown up by a bomb, it would be a tragedy."

"Wonderful!" Hillary beams. "Marvelous! And can you tell me WHY that would be a tragedy?"
"Well," says the boy, "because it wouldn't be an accident, and it certainly would be no great loss!"

WOMAN'S PERFECT BREAKFAST
She's sitting at the table with her gourmet coffee.
Her son is on the cover of the Wheaties box.
Her daughter is on the cover of Business Week.
Her boyfriend is on the cover of Playgirl.
And her husband is on the back of the milk carton.

WOMEN'S REVENGE
"Cash, check or charge?" I asked, after folding items the woman
wished to purchase.
As she fumbled for her wallet I noticed a remote control for a
television set in her purse.
"So, do you always carry your TV remote?" I asked.
"No," she replied, " but my husband refused to come shopping with me,
and I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him legally."

UNDERSTANDING WOMEN
(A MAN'S PERSPECTIVE)
I know I'm not going to understand women.
I'll never understand how you can take boiling hot wax,
pour it onto your upper thigh, rip the hair out by the root,
and still be afraid of a spider.

MARRIAGE SEMINAR
While attending a Marriage Seminar dealing with communication,
Tom and his wife Grace listened to the instructor,
"It is essential that husbands and wives know each others
likes and dislikes."
He addressed the man,
"Can you name your wife's favorite flower?"
Tom leaned over, touched his wife's arm gently and whispered,
"It's Pillsbury, isn't it?

CIGARETTES AND TAMPONS

A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up and down the aisles.
The sales girl notices him and asks him if she can help him.
He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife.
She directs him down the correct aisle.
A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton
balls and a ball of string on the counter.
She says, confused, "Sir, I thought you were looking for some
tampons for your wife?
He answers, " You see, it's like this, yesterday, I sent
my wife to the store to get me a carton of cigarettes,
and she came back with a tin of tobacco and some rolling
papers; cause it's sooo-ooo--oo-ooo much cheaper.
So, I figure if I have to roll my own ......... so does she.
( I figure this guy is the one on the milk carton! )

WIFE VS. HUSBAND
A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word.
An earlier discussion had led to an argument and
neither of them wanted to concede their position.
As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs,
the husband asked sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?"
"Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws."

W O R D S
A husband read an article to his wife about how many words
women use a day...
30,000 to a man's 15,000.
The wife replied, "The reason has to be because we have to repeat
everything to men...
The husband then turned to his wife and asked, "What?"

CREATION
A man said to his wife one day, "I don't know how you can be
so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time.
" The wife responded, "Allow me to explain.
God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me;
God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you!

WHO DOES WHAT
A man and his wife were having an argument about who
should brew the coffee each morning.
The wife said, "You should do it, because you get up first,
and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee."
The husband said, " You are in charge of cooking around here and
you should do it, because that is your job,
and I can just wait for my coffee."
Wife replies, "No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible
that the man should do the coffee."
Husband replies, "I can't believe that, show me."
So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament
and showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed
says.........."HEBREWS"

The Silent Treatment
A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each
other the silent treatment. Suddenly, the man realized that the next day,
he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business
flight.
Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE),
he wrote on a piece of paper,
"Please wake me at 5:00 AM." He left it where he knew she would find it.
The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM
and he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and
see why his wife hadn't wakened him, when he noticed a piece
of paper by the bed. The paper said, "It is 5:00 AM. Wake up."
Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests.

God may have created man before woman,
but there is always a rough draft before the masterpiece. <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

It was the mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood.

When he arrived at the first house on his route he was greeted by the whole family there who congratulated him and sent him on his way with a big gift envelope.

At the second house they presented him with a box of fine cigars. The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures.

At the fourth house a strikingly beautiful blonde in a revealing negligee met him at the door. She took him by the hand, gently led him through the door and up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced.

When he had had enough they went downstairs where she fixed him a giant breakfast: eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and freshly squeezed orange juice. When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee. As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge. "All this was just too wonderful for words", he said, "but what's the dollar for?"

"Well", she said, "last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give you." He said, "Screw him, give him a dollar."

"The breakfast was my idea," she added. <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" />

<img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/bday_jump.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/XmasJump.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/XmasJump.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/XmasJump.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/XmasJump.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/bday_jump.gif" alt="" />

A guy walks up to a bar and there's a horse in front of it.
So he enters the bar to ask the bartender why the hell there's a horse in front of his bar.
On wich the bartender replies, "it's this contest, the first who makes the horse luagh gets €250"
Our guy goes to that horse and whispers something in its ear, on wich the horse starts rolling on the floor luaghing out loud.
250 euros richer our guy goes back home.
A week later, our guy goes to that same bar, and the same horse is still in front of it.
He asks the bartender, why is the horse still in front of your bar? I tought i won???
The bartender replied, it's this new game, the first to get the horse to cry gets 250 euros.
Again the man goes to the horse, and guess what, the horse starts crying out loud.
Baffled by this the bartender asks our guy, how he did it. Our guy explains:
The first time I told the horse, "mine is bigger than yours", and the second time I showed him!

I thank thee for making this old guys eyes water with mirth <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/biggrin.gif" alt="" />

Ditto! <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/kissyou.gif" alt="" /> (not the 'old guys' part of course) <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/biggrin.gif" alt="" />

(Trying... hard... to not... piss... self... laughing... while boss... is on... the phone...) <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/delight.gif" alt="" />


Food Spoilage Tests For Bachelors

THE GAG TEST:
Anything that makes you gag is spoiled (except for leftovers from what you cooked for yourself last night).

EGGS:
When something starts pecking its way out of the shell, the egg is probably past its prime.

DAIRY PRODUCTS:
Milk is spoiled when it starts to look like yoghurt. Yoghurt is spoiled when it starts to look like cottage cheese. Cottage cheese is spoiled when it starts to look like regular cheese. Regular cheese is nothing but spoiled milk anyway and can't get any more spoiled than it is already. Cheddar cheese is spoiled when you think it is blue cheese but you realise you've never purchased that kind.

MAYONNAISE:
If it makes you violently ill after you eat it, the mayonnaise is spoiled.

FROZEN FOODS:
Frozen foods that have become an integral part of the defrosting problem in your freezer compartment will probably be spoiled (or wrecked anyway) by the time you pry them out with a kitchen knife.

EXPIRATION DATES:
This is NOT a marketing ploy to encourage you to throw away perfectly good food so that you'll spend more on groceries. Perhaps you'd benefit by having a calendar in your kitchen.

MEAT:
If opening the refrigerator door causes stray animals from a three-block radius to congregate outside your house, the meat is spoiled.

BREAD:
Sesame seeds and Poppy seeds are the only officially acceptable "spots" that should be seen on the surface of any loaf of bread. Fuzzy and hairy-looking white or green growth areas are a good indication that your bread has turned into a pharmaceutical laboratory experiment.

FLOUR:
Flour is spoiled when it wiggles.

SALT:
It never spoils.

CANNED GOODS:
Any canned goods that have become the size or shape of a tennis ball should be disposed of. Carefully.

CARROTS:
A carrot that you can tie a clove hitch in is not fresh.

RAISINS AND SULTANAS:
Raisins and sultanas should not be harder than your teeth.

POTATOES:
Fresh potatoes do not have roots, branches, or dense, leafy undergrowth.

CHIP DIP:
If you can take it out of its container and bounce it on the floor, it has gone bad.

EMPTY CONTAINERS:
Putting empty containers back into the refrigerator is an old trick, but it only works if you live with your mother or have a maid.

UNMARKED ITEMS:
You know it is well beyond prime when you're tempted to discard the Tupperware along with the food. Generally speaking, Tupperware containers should not burp when you open them.

GENERAL RULE OF THUMB:
Most food cannot be kept longer than the average life span of a hamster. Keep a hamster in or nearby your refrigerator to gauge this.

A train hits a busload of Essex Schoolgirls and they all perish. They
are all in heaven trying to enter the pearly gates past St.Peter. St
Peter asks the first girl (from Southend), "Karen, have you ever had
any contact with a mans thing?"

She giggles and shyly replies, "Well I once touched the head of one
with the tip of my finger"

St. Peter says, "OK, dip the tip of your finger in The Holy Water and
pass through the gate."

St. Peter asks the next girl (from Chelmsford) the same question,
"Joanne have you ever had any contact with a mans thing?"

The girl is a little reluctant but replies "Well once I fondled and
stroked one." St. Peter says "OK, dip your whole hand in The Holy
Water and pass through the gate."

All of a sudden there is a lot of commotion in the line of girls, and
the girl from Romford is pushing her way to the front of the line.
When she reaches the front of the line St. Peter says "Tracy! What
seems to be the rush?"

The girl replies.."If I'm going to have to gargle that Holy water...I
want to do it before Lorraine sticks her ar5e in it!!"

Too good spickey too good <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/up.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/biggrin.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/bday_jump.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/evilgrin1.gif" alt="" />

An 80-year-old man went to his doctor for his annual check-up.
The doctor asks him how he's feeling.
The 80-year-old said, "I've never felt better.
I now have a 20 year-old bride who is pregnant with my child.
What do you think about that?"
The doctor considers his question for a minute and says
I have an older friend, much like you, who is an avid trophy hunter and never misses a hunting event.
One day, when he was going out hunting, he was in a bit of a hurry and
accidentally picked up his walking cane instead of his gun.
When he got to the creek, he saw a prime duck sitting beside the water.
He raised his cane and went 'bang, bang'.
Suddenly, two shots rang out and the duck fell over dead.
What do you think of that?"
The 80-year-old said, "I'd say somebody else pumped a couple of rounds into the duck."
The doctor replied, "My point exactly."

<img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/evilgrin1.gif" alt="" />

Ohhhh cruel

The following ditty which I learned as a child has been going around in my head. Unfortunately I do not know the name of the actual music the melody comes from; if anyone here knows it please post.

Hitler had only 1 left ball.
Goering had 2, but they were small
Himmler
had something similar.
And Goebbels
had no balls at all.

The music for that tune is "The River Qwuai March" from the move "The Bridge over the river Quai (names might not be EXACTLLY those, but they're very simillar).

Besides, I've allso have onle one LEFT ball <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/winkwink.gif" alt="" />.

Übereil

Thanks. Sorry to hear about your right side. I wonder how you knew the answer to my question; I guess this is a well known international song.

There's nothing wrong with his right ball.

Eggsactlly <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/winkwink.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/biggrin.gif" alt="" />.

I think the song was originally invented by the Brittish during WW2. My father sings it occationally, that's why I knew it (slightlly different lyrics though <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/winkwink.gif" alt="" />).

Übereil