Larian Studios Forums General Chat Chat (Anything) did we do jokes already?

Captain Cook made three trips around the world and died during one of them. Which one?
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I decided that I needed a few days off and I realized that I had run out of vacation time already. I figured the best way to get the boss to send me home was to act a little crazy so he'd think I was burning out and give me some time off.
I went into work early the other day and began hanging upside down from the ceiling.
Just then one of my coworkers came in and asked me what I was doing.

"Shh," I said, "I'm acting crazy to get a few days off. I'm a light bulb."

A second later the boss walked by and asked me what I was doing.

"I'm a light bulb!" I exclaimed.

"You're going crazy," he said. "Take a few days off."

With that, I jumped down and started walking out. The coworker started following me, and the boss asked where she was going.

"I can't work in the dark," she said.
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Two young women were speeding down the highway at 90 mph. "Hey," asked the brunette at the wheel, "Any cops following us?"
The blonde passenger turned around and had a long look at the road behind them. "Yeah, looks like it."
"Are his flashers on?"
The blonde turned around again: "Yup....nope....yup....nope....yup....nope....yup....."
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A guy walks in to a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he's drinking the monkey jumps all around the place. The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them. Then he grabs some sliced limes and eats them. Then he jumps on to the pool table, grabs one of the billiard balls, sticks it in his mouth, and to everyone's amazement, and somehow swallows it whole.

The bartender screams at the guy, "Did you see what your monkey did?"

The guy says, "No, what?"

"He just ate the cue ball off my pool table; whole!"

"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy. "He eats everything in sight, the little [nocando]. Sorry. I'll pay for everything."

The man finishes his drink, pays his bill, and pays for the stuff the monkey ate and leaves.

Two weeks later, he's in the bar again, and his pet monkey is with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again. While the man is finishing his drink, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his butt, pulls it out and eats it. The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?" he asks.

"No, what?" replied the guy. "Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry up his butt, pulled it out and ate it!" said the bartender.

"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy. “He still eats everything in sight but, ever since he swallowed that cue ball, he measures everything first."

The last one is a doozy <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/biggrin.gif" alt="" />

A guy was brought in front of a judge. "What's the charge?" the judge asked. "Stealing 23 bottles of beer, your honor", the prosecutor answered. "Case dismissed", replied the judge. "You can't make a case out of 23 bottles."

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A man opened a letter from his ex-wife; it appeared to contain a single line of
Coded message: 370H-SSV-0773H.

He was baffled, so showed it to a friend. His friend said, "You're holding the message upside down."

The old gent showered, shaved, sprinkled on a light dash of cologne, coiffed his few remaining hairs, put on a clean shirt, slacks, sports jacket and loafers. Then he strolled down to the neighborhood lounge. He hopped up on a bar stool beside a beautiful young woman and asked: "Tell me ... do I come here often?"

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Sixty is the worst age to be," said the 60 year old. "You always feel like you have to pee. And most of the time, you stand at the toilet and nothing comes out!"

"Ah, that's nothing", said the 70 year old. "When you're seventy, you don't have a bowel movement anymore. You take laxatives, eat bran, you sit on the toilet all day and nothing comes out!"

"Actually," said the 80 year old, "eighty is the worst age of all."

"Do you have trouble peeing, too?" asked the 60 year old.

"No, not really. I pee every morning at 6:00. I pee like a racehorse on a flat rock, no problem at all."

"Do you have trouble having a bowel movement?"

"No, I have one every morning at 6:30."

With great exasperation, the 60-year-old said, "Let me get this straight. You pee every morning at 6:00 and poop every morning at 6:30. So what's so tough about being 80?"

"I don't wake up until 7:00."

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Two older people go to their doctor and complain that they are having memory problems, he suggests that they just write everything down. So later that evening the man gets up to get a bowl of popcorn and he turns to his wife and says, '' do you want anything from the kitchen?'' she replies yes I would like a bowl of ice cream.'' He starts off and she says, '' and I want some cherries on it, you need to write this down.'' '' no I don't its just a few seconds.'' She thinks and says, '' well how about some nuts on it too, and now you will need to right this down,'' she pleads with him, but he is persistant, '' No, I can remember this, I am not that dern old.'' he storms into the kitchen and spends over half an hour working on her order. When he returns he is holding a bowl of popcorn and an entire breakfast, pancakes, sausage, and a glass of orange juice. He hands her the plate and she just sighs, '' What?'' He asks her, she just rolls her eyes and says '' You forgot the toast.''

A couple was dressed and ready to go out for the evening.

They turned on a night light, turned the answering machine

on, and covered their pet parakeet and put the cat in the

backyard.They phoned the local cab company and requested

a taxi. The taxi arrived and the couple opened the front

door to leave their house. The cat they had put out into

the yard scoots back into the house. They don't want the

cat shut in the house because she always tries to eat the

bird.The wife goes out to the taxi while the husband goes

inside to get the cat. The cat runs upstairs, the man in

hot pursuit. Waiting in the cab, the wife doesn't want

the driver to know the house will be empty for the night.

She explains to the taxi driver that her husband will be

out soon.

"He's just going upstairs to say good-bye to my mother."

A few minutes later, the husband gets into the cab.

"Sorry I took so long, he says, as they drive away.

"Stupid bitch was hiding under the bed. Had to poke her

with a coat hanger to get her to come out! She tried to

take off so I grabbed her by the neck. Then I had to

wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching me.

But it worked. I hauled her fat [nocando] downstairs and

threw her out into the back yard!"



The cabdriver hit a parked car .

A Doctor was addressing a large audience in Tampa.
"The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is awful. Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. High fat diets can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the
germs in our drinking water.

But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all have, or will, eat it.

Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?"

After several seconds of quiet, a 75-year-old man in the front row raised his hand, and softly said, "Wedding Cake."

Magda, the church gossip, and self-appointed police of the parish's
moral integrity, kept sticking her nose into other people's business. Several
members disapproved of her extra-curricular activities, but feared
her enough to maintain their silence.

She blundered, however, when she accused George, a new member,
of being a lowlife after she saw his old pickup parked in front of
the town's only bar one afternoon. She emphatically told George in the
presence of several others that whoever saw it there would know what he was
doing.

George, a man of few words, just looked at her for a moment,
turned and walked away. He didn't explain, defend, or deny. He said nothing.
Later that evening, George quietly parked his pickup in front of
Magda's house...walked home....and left it there all night.

Two irish men find a mirror in the road.
1st one looks in it and says i know that face but i can't put a name to it.
2nd looks in it and says you f**king idiot ,it's me!.

Sally was driving home from one of her business trips in Northern
Arizona when she saw an elderly Navajo woman walking on the side
of the road. As the trip was a long and quiet one, she stopped the car
and asked the Navajo woman if she would like a ride. With a silent
nod of thanks, the woman got into the car. Resuming the journey,
Sally tried in vain to make a bit of small talk with the Navajo woman.
The old woman just sat silently, looking intently at everything she
saw, studying every little detail, until she noticed a brown bag on the
seat next to Sally.

"What in bag?" asked the old woman. Sally looked down at the brown
bag and said, "It's a bottle of wine. I got it for my husband."

The Navajo woman was silent for another moment or two. Then
speaking with the quiet wisdom of an elder, she said,

"Good trade."

This guy was lonely and so he decided life would be more fun if he had a pet. So he went to the pet shop and told the owner that he wanted to buy an unusual pet.

After some discussion, he finally bought a centipede which came in a little white box to use for his house.

He took the box back home, found a good location for the box, and decided he would start off by taking his new pet to the pub to have a drink.

So he asked the centipede in the box, "Would you like to go down The Queen's Head with me and have a beer?" But there was no answer from his new pet.

This bothered him a bit, but he waited a few minutes and then asked him again, "How about going to the pub for a drink?"

But again, there was no answer from his new friend and pet. So he waited a few minutes more, thinking about the situation. He decided to ask him one more time; this time putting his face up against the centipede's house and shouting, "Hey, in there! Would you like to go to The Queen's Head and have a drink with me?"

A little voice came out of the box:...........

"I heard you the first time! I'm putting my F*cking shoes on."

A Guy is browsing in a pet shop and sees a parrot sitting on a little perch. It doesn't have any feet or legs.

The guy says aloud, "Jeesh, I wonder what happened to this parrot?"

The parrot says, "I was born this way. I'm a defective parrot."

"Holy crap," the guy replies. "You actually understood and answered me!"

"I got every word," says the parrot. "I happen to be a highly intelligent thoroughly educated bird."

"Oh yeah?" the guy asks, "Then answer this... how do you hang onto your perch without any feet?"

"Well," the parrot says, "this is very embarrassing but since you asked, I wrap my weenie around this wooden bar like a little hook. You can't see it because of my feathers."

"Wow," says the guy. "You really can understand and speak English can't you?"

"Actually, I speak both Spanish and English, and I can converse with reasonable competence on almost any topic: politics, religion, sports, physics, philosophy. I'm especially good at ornithology.

You really ought to buy me. I'd be a great companion."

The guy looks at the £20000 price tag. "Sorry, but I just can't afford that."

"Pssssssst," says the parrot, "I'm defective, so the truth is, nobody wants me cause I don't have any feet. You can probably get me for £20; just make the guy an offer!"

The guy offers £20 and walks out with the parrot. Weeks go by. The parrot is sensational.

He has a great sense of humour, he's interesting, he's a great pal, he understands everything, he sympathizes, and he's insightful. The guy is delighted.

One day the guy comes home from work and the parrot goes, "Psssssssssssst," and motions him over with one wing. "I don't know if I should tell you this or not, but it's about your wife and the postman."

"What are you talking about?" asks the guy.

"When the postman delivered the mail today, your wife greeted him at the door in a sheer black nightie."

"WHAT???" the guy asks incredulously. "THEN what happened?"

"Well, then the postman came into the house and lifted up her nightie and began petting her all over," reported the parrot.

"NO!" he exclaims. "And she let him?"

"Yes. Then he continued taking off the nightie , got down on his knees and began to kiss her all over...."

Then the frantic guy demands, "THEN WHAT HAPPENED?"

"f*ckked if I know. I got a hard-on and fell off my perch!"

Medical Dictionary.....
.
Benign................What you be after you be eight.
Artery................The study of paintings.
Bacteria..............Back door to cafeteria.
Barium................What doctors do when patients die.
Cesarean Section......A neighborhood in Rome.
Cat scan...............Searching for kitty.
Cauterize.............Made eye contact with her.
Colic.................A sheep dog.
Coma..................A punctuation mark.
D & C.................Where Washington is.
Dilate................To live long.
Enema.................Not a friend.
Fester................Quicker than someone else.
Fibula................A small lie.
Genital...............Non-Jewish person.
G.I. Series...........World Series of military baseball.
Hangnail..............What you hang your coat on.
Impotent..............Distinguished, well known.
Labor Pain............Getting hurt at work.
Medical Staff.........A Doctor's cane.
Morbid................A higher offer than I bid.
Nitrates..............Cheaper than day rates.
Node..................Was aware of
Outpatient.... .......A person who has fainted.
Pap smear..... .......A fatherhood test.
Pelvis................Second cousin to Elvis.
Post Operative........A letter carrier.
Recovery Room.........Place to do upholstery.
Rectum................Darn near killed him.
Secretion.............Hiding something.
Seizure...............Roman emperor.
Tablet................A small table.
Terminal Illness......Getting sick at the Bus Station
Tumor.................More than one.
Urine.................Opposite of you're out.
Varicose..............Near by/close by.
Vein..................Conceited.

[color:"yellow"]
Two Mexicans are stuck in the desert, wandering aimlessly and close to
death

They are close to just lying down and waiting for the inevitable, when
all of a sudden...

"Hey Pepe, do you smell what I smell. Ees bacon, I is sure of eet".

"Si, Luis, eet smells like bacon to meee".

So, with renewed strength, they struggle off up the next sand dune, and
there, in the distance, is a tree, just loaded with bacon.
There's raw bacon, dripping with moisture, there's fried bacon, back
bacon, double smoked bacon...every imaginable kind of cured pig meat you
can imagine!!

"Pepe, Pepe, we ees saved. Eees a bacon tree".

"Luis, are sure ees not a meerage? We ees in the desert, don'forget".

"Pepe, when deed you ever hear of a meerage that smell of
bacon...ees no meerage, ees a bacon tree".


And with that...Luis races towards the tree. He gets to within 5 metres,
Pepe following closely behind, when all of a sudden, a machine gun opens
up, and Luis is cut down is his tracks.

It is clear he is mortally wounded but, true friend that he is, he
manages to warn Pepe with his dying breath.

"Pepe...go back man, you was right, ees not a bacon tree"

"Luis, Luis mi amigo...what ees eet?"

"Pepe...ees not a bacon tree....

Ees.....

"Ees, a Ham Bush" [/color]

[color:"orange"] A little boy walks into his parents bedroom to see his mum bouncing up and down on top of his dad.
His mum quickly rolls off and covers herself up.
"What was you doing?" ask the little lad.
"Well your dad has a fat tummy so every now and again I have to try and flatten it". explains mum.
"Thats pointless" explains little Mr smart-[nocando]. "'cos when you go shopping the lady next door comes round and blows it back up again". [/color]

<img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/up.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/biggrin.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/tongue.gif" alt="" /> Oopsie <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/evilgrin1.gif" alt="" />

[color:"green"] Prince Charles and Camilla are going through a tough time in their marriage. Charles suggests a new sexual position, to bring some spark in to their sex-life.

"That's a great idea Charles," coos Camilla. "Let's try the Missionary position."

"The missionary position?" asks Charles. "What's that then?"

Camila replies: "I lay down here on my back, and you f*ck off to Africa" [/color]

How many forum members does it take to change a light bulb?

1 to change the light bulb and to post that the light bulb has been changed
14 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light bulb could have been changed differently
7 to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs
1 to move it to the Lighting section
2 to argue then move it to the Electricals section
7 to point out spelling/grammar errors in posts about changing light bulbs
5 to flame the spell checkers
3 to correct spelling/grammar flames
6 to argue over whether it's "lightbulb" or "light bulb" ... another 6 to condemn those 6 as stupid
2 industry professionals to inform the group that the proper term is "lamp"
15 know-it-alls who claim they were in the industry, and that "light bulb" is perfectly correct
19 to post that this forum is not about light bulbs and to please take this discussion to a lightbulb forum
11 to defend the posting to this forum saying that we all use light bulbs and therefore the posts are relevant to this forum
36 to debate which method of changing light bulbs is superior, where to buy the best light bulbs, what brand of light bulbs work best for this technique and what brands are faulty
7 to post URL's where one can see examples of different light bulbs
4 to post that the URL's were posted incorrectly and then post the corrected URL's
3 to post about links they found from the URL's that are relevant to this group which makes light bulbs relevant to this group
13 to link all posts to date, quote them in their entirety including all headers and signatures, and add "Me too"
5 to post to the group that they will no longer post because they cannot handle the light bulb controversy
4 to say "didn't we go through this already a short time ago?"
13 to say "do a search on light bulbs before posting questions about light bulbs"
1 to hijack the thread and ask how to change the horn
1 forum lurker to respond to the original post 6 months from now and start it all over again.

<img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" /> unfortunately it has a ring of truth about it <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/evilgrin1.gif" alt="" />

I know a German-language variant of that. <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/winkwink.gif" alt="" />
Always funny. <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/winkwink.gif" alt="" />

Light Bulbs R Us <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/biggrin.gif" alt="" />