Captain Cook made three trips around the world and died during one of them. Which one?
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I decided that I needed a few days off and I realized that I had run out of vacation time already. I figured the best way to get the boss to send me home was to act a little crazy so he'd think I was burning out and give me some time off.
I went into work early the other day and began hanging upside down from the ceiling.
Just then one of my coworkers came in and asked me what I was doing.

"Shh," I said, "I'm acting crazy to get a few days off. I'm a light bulb."

A second later the boss walked by and asked me what I was doing.

"I'm a light bulb!" I exclaimed.

"You're going crazy," he said. "Take a few days off."

With that, I jumped down and started walking out. The coworker started following me, and the boss asked where she was going.

"I can't work in the dark," she said.
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Two young women were speeding down the highway at 90 mph. "Hey," asked the brunette at the wheel, "Any cops following us?"
The blonde passenger turned around and had a long look at the road behind them. "Yeah, looks like it."
"Are his flashers on?"
The blonde turned around again: "Yup....nope....yup....nope....yup....nope....yup....."
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A guy walks in to a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he's drinking the monkey jumps all around the place. The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them. Then he grabs some sliced limes and eats them. Then he jumps on to the pool table, grabs one of the billiard balls, sticks it in his mouth, and to everyone's amazement, and somehow swallows it whole.

The bartender screams at the guy, "Did you see what your monkey did?"

The guy says, "No, what?"

"He just ate the cue ball off my pool table; whole!"

"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy. "He eats everything in sight, the little [nocando]. Sorry. I'll pay for everything."

The man finishes his drink, pays his bill, and pays for the stuff the monkey ate and leaves.

Two weeks later, he's in the bar again, and his pet monkey is with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again. While the man is finishing his drink, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his butt, pulls it out and eats it. The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?" he asks.

"No, what?" replied the guy. "Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry up his butt, pulled it out and ate it!" said the bartender.

"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy. “He still eats everything in sight but, ever since he swallowed that cue ball, he measures everything first."

The question is not, Can they reason? nor, Can they talk? but, Can they suffer?
~Jeremy Bentham