This routine placed 2nd in Punniest of Show competition at the 2001
Annual O. Henry Pun-Off World Championships and is by Jim Ertner in
his first appearance at a Punoff. He returned in 2004 to win the
competition.

This is horse racing time of the year, especially with the triple
crown events -- one of which is actually running today. (In fact, I
put on this ponytail just to get in the spirit.) My mind wanders much
further back, though, to one of the world's most famous horse riders,
namely, Lady Godiva.

In her most celebrated ride, Lady Godiva didn't win, nor even place
-- but she sure did show.

That reminds me what happened to Lady Godiva's horse when he saw
she had no clothes on. It made him shy.

Or, as one non-shy horse said to another: "Your pace or mine?"

Or, as another horse said to yet another one: "I forgot your mane,
but your pace is familiar."

Let me now try to stirrup some interest in horse racing.

Did you hear about the superstitious jockey who always competed at
the same place? He had a one-track mind.

Then there was the horse that was all charged up -- because it ate
haywire.

That somehow reminds me of the tow truck at a racetrack. It was
trying to pull a fast one.

I would be remiss without saying something about gambling.

Did you hear about the gambler who crossed asparagus with
horseradish? He wanted some hot tips for the racetrack.

Another gambler was hiding in the shrubbery next to the racetrack.
He was hedging his bets.

I once read about a gambler who fed his hen some racing forms -- so
she'd lay odds for him.

Speaking of riding horses, the ancient Greek mythological god of
thunder, Thor, went for a ride on a horse. "I'm Thor!!" he thundered.
The horse answered, "No wonder you're Thor. You forgot the thaddle,
thilly."

Besides being silly, these puns can lead you to drink. In fact,
there's a new drink -- popular in Boston -- called the "Paul Revere
cocktail." Two drinks and you wake the neighbors and start horsing
around.

Finally (or as Lady Godiva said towards the end of her ride, "I'm
nearing my clothes"), I'm happy to report that horses are funny. Or,
as I always say: "Show me a herd of horses with a sense of humor, and
I'll show you a laughing stock."

And before making a laughing stock of myself, I'm going to stop
telling these tales of whoa.

Neigh -- no more. (By Jim Ertner)

The question is not, Can they reason? nor, Can they talk? but, Can they suffer?
~Jeremy Bentham