Larian Studios Forums General Chat Chat (Anything) did we do jokes already?

you know today i slept like a log
when i woke up, i was in the fireplace

[color:"pink"] The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said,

"Well, I'm off now. The man should be here soon."

Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale.

"Good morning, Ma'am", he said, "I've come to...''

"Oh, no need to explain," Mrs Smith cut in, embarrassed, "I've been expecting you."

"Have you really?" said the photographer. "Well, that's good.

Did you know babies are my specialty?"

"Well that's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat "

After a moment she asked, blushing,
"Well, where do we start?"

"Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living room floor is fun. You can really spread out there."

"Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work out for Harry and me!"

"Well, Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results."

"My, that's a lot!" gasped Mrs Smith.

"Ma'am, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I'd love to be in and out in five minutes, but I'm sure you'd be disappointed with that."

"Don't I know it," said Mrs Smith quietly.

The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. "This was done on the top of a bus," he said.

"Oh my God!" Mrs Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat.

"And these twins turned out exceptionally well - when you consider her mother was so difficult to work with."

"She was difficult?" asked Mrs Smith.

"Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep to get a good look."

"Four and five deep?" said Mrs Smith, her eyes wide with amazement.

"Yes", the photographer replied. "And for more than three hours, too.

The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly concentrate, and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots.

Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had to pack it all in."

Mrs Smith leaned forward. "Do you mean they actually chewed on your,um..equipment?"

"It's true, Ma'am, yes. Well, if you're ready, I'll set-up my tripod and we can get to work right away."

"Tripod?"

"Oh yes, Ma'am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too heavy to be held in the hand very long." With that, Mrs. Smith
fainted..... [/color]

An elderly woman walked into the Bank of Canada one morning with a purse full of money. She wanted to open a savings account and insisted on talking to the president of the Bank because, she said, she had a lot of money.

After many lengthy discussions (after all, the client is always right) an employee took the elderly woman to the president's office.

The president of the Bank asked her how much she wanted to deposit. She placed her purse on his desk and replied, "$165,000". The president was curious and asked her how she had been able to save so much money. The elderly woman
replied that she made bets.

The president was surprised and asked, "What kind of bets?"

The elderly woman replied, "Well, I bet you $25,000 that your testicles are square."

The president started to laugh and told the woman that it was
impossible to win a bet like that.

The woman never batted an eye. She just looked at the president and said, "Would you like to take my bet?"

"Certainly", replied the president. "I bet you $25,000 that my
testicles are not square."

"Done", the elderly woman answered. "But given the amount of money involved, if you don't mind I would like to come back at 10 o'clock tomorrow morning with my lawyer as a witness."

"No problem", said the president of the Bank confidently.

That night, the president became very nervous about the bet and spent a long time in front of the mirror examining his testicles, turning them this way and that, checking them over again and again until he was positive that no one could
consider his testicles as square and reassuring himself that there was no way he could lose the bet.

The next morning at exactly 10 o'clock the elderly woman arrived at the president's office with her lawyer and acknowledged the $25,000 bet made the day before that the president's testicles were square.

The president confirmed that the bet was the same as the one made the day before. Then the elderly woman asked him to drop his pants etc. so that she and her lawyer could see clearly.

The president was happy to oblige.

The elderly woman came closer so she could see better and asked the president if she could touch them. "Of course", said the president. "Given the amount of money involved, you should be 100% sure."

The elderly woman did so with a little smile. Suddenly the president noticed that the lawyer was banging his head against the wall. He asked the elderly woman why he was doing that and she replied, "Oh, it's probably because I bet him $100,000 that around 10 o'clock in the morning I would be holding the balls of the President of the Bank of Canada!"

<img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/bday_jump.gif" alt="" />

The President, First Lady and Dick Cheney were flying on Air Force One.
George looked at Laura, chuckled and said, "You know, I could throw a $1,000 bill out of the window right now and make somebody very happy."

Laura shrugged her shoulders and replied, "I could throw ten $100 bills out of the window and make ten people very happy."

Cheney added, "That being the case, I could throw one hundred $10 bills out of the window and make a hundred people very happy."

Hearing their exchange, the pilot rolled his eyes and said to his co-pilot, "Such big-shots back there. Hell, I could throw all of them out of the window and make 400 million people very happy." ......

<img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/XmasJump.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/stupid.gif" alt="" />

Dick Cheney and George W. Bush were having breakfast at the White House.

The attractive waitress asks Cheney what he would like, and he replies,

"I'd like a bowl of oatmeal and some fruit."

"And what can I get for you, Mr. President?"

George W. replies with his trademark wink and slight grin, "How about a

quickie this morning?"

"Why, Mr. President!" the waitress exclaims "How rude! You're starting to

act like Mr. Clinton, and you've only been in your second term of office for

a year! ''

As the waitress storms away, Cheney leans over to Bush and

whispers..."It's pronounced 'quiche'."


<img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/biggrin.gif" alt="" />

Best birth control ever:
1. Raising a teenager (what gives you the idea i just had a "maths homework" argument with mine again) <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/suspicion.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/suspicion.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/suspicion.gif" alt="" />
2. The headache


Some people causes accidents.... most people are caused by accident.

Many thanks once more to my favorite comedian <take a bow Jurak!> and L_R erm that sounded too much like R_L <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Did you hear about the butcher who backed into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work?


Little Tim was in the garden filling in a hole when his neighbor peered over the fence. Interested in what the cheeky-faced youngster was up to, he politely asked, "What are you up to there, Tim?"
"My goldfish died," replied Tim tearfully, without looking up, "and I've just buried him." The neighbor was concerned, "That's an awfully big hole for a goldfish, isn't it?"
Tim patted down the last heap of earth then replied, "That's because he's inside your stupid cat."

This routine placed 2nd in Punniest of Show competition at the 2001
Annual O. Henry Pun-Off World Championships and is by Jim Ertner in
his first appearance at a Punoff. He returned in 2004 to win the
competition.

This is horse racing time of the year, especially with the triple
crown events -- one of which is actually running today. (In fact, I
put on this ponytail just to get in the spirit.) My mind wanders much
further back, though, to one of the world's most famous horse riders,
namely, Lady Godiva.

In her most celebrated ride, Lady Godiva didn't win, nor even place
-- but she sure did show.

That reminds me what happened to Lady Godiva's horse when he saw
she had no clothes on. It made him shy.

Or, as one non-shy horse said to another: "Your pace or mine?"

Or, as another horse said to yet another one: "I forgot your mane,
but your pace is familiar."

Let me now try to stirrup some interest in horse racing.

Did you hear about the superstitious jockey who always competed at
the same place? He had a one-track mind.

Then there was the horse that was all charged up -- because it ate
haywire.

That somehow reminds me of the tow truck at a racetrack. It was
trying to pull a fast one.

I would be remiss without saying something about gambling.

Did you hear about the gambler who crossed asparagus with
horseradish? He wanted some hot tips for the racetrack.

Another gambler was hiding in the shrubbery next to the racetrack.
He was hedging his bets.

I once read about a gambler who fed his hen some racing forms -- so
she'd lay odds for him.

Speaking of riding horses, the ancient Greek mythological god of
thunder, Thor, went for a ride on a horse. "I'm Thor!!" he thundered.
The horse answered, "No wonder you're Thor. You forgot the thaddle,
thilly."

Besides being silly, these puns can lead you to drink. In fact,
there's a new drink -- popular in Boston -- called the "Paul Revere
cocktail." Two drinks and you wake the neighbors and start horsing
around.

Finally (or as Lady Godiva said towards the end of her ride, "I'm
nearing my clothes"), I'm happy to report that horses are funny. Or,
as I always say: "Show me a herd of horses with a sense of humor, and
I'll show you a laughing stock."

And before making a laughing stock of myself, I'm going to stop
telling these tales of whoa.

Neigh -- no more. (By Jim Ertner)

PASKAKASA...What does it mean?? <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/biggrin.gif" alt="" />

My gastroenterologist says I need not be embarassed,
"TO AIR IS HUMAN."

FREUDIAN SLIPPERS
"NOW YOU CAN REALLY PUT YOUR FOOT IN IT!"

The Italian government is considering installing a clock in the Leaning Tower of Pisa.
The reason? What good is it to have the inclination if you don't have the time?


A French Man comes to Wyoming and gets hired on to work at a Sheep Ranch. After he'd worked there a few weeks it came time to castrate the rams. He noticed as the other hands were working that they would throw the "leftovers" in a bucket and every now and then one would reach in to the bucket, grab "one" and pop it into his mouth. After witnessing this several times, the Frenchman got up the nerve to ask one of the other hands if they were good. The other young man replied,"Oh yeah, and their even better when the boss' wife fries them. She calls 'em sheep fries."
The next morning the Frenchman didn't show up to work. When the other hands mentioned it to their boss' wife she said,"It was the strangest thing. This morning he came in and asked what was for dinner tonight. I told him French fries and he just took off running!"

@ Jurak I haven't the foggiest! <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/biggrin.gif" alt="" />
@ Cleg hey good one there Cleggy ! <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/XmasJump.gif" alt="" />
* & wonders what Barta is having for dinner? *
btw where's our beloved President?? or our Greek Goddess for that matter ?
<img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/question.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/disagree.gif" alt="" />

12 points! <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/delight.gif" alt="" />

HER DIARY

Saturday night I thought he was acting weird. We had made plans to meet at a bar to have a drink. I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was late, but he made no comment. Conversation wasn't flowing so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk. He agreed but he kept quiet and absent.

I asked him what was wrong. He said "nothing". I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset. He said it had nothing to do with me and not to worry. On the way home, I told him that I loved him, he simply smiled and kept driving. I can't explain his behavior; I don't know why he didn't say "I love you too". When we got home, I felt as if had lost him, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore. He just sat there and watched TV. He seemed so distant and absent. Finally, I decided to go to bed. About 10 minutes later he came to bed and, to my surprise, he responded to my caress and we made love, but I still felt that he was distracted and his thoughts where somewhere else. I decided that I could not take it anymore, so I decided to confront him with the situation but he had fallen asleep. I started crying and cried until I too fell asleep. I don't know what to do. I'm almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else. My life is a disaster.

HIS DIARY

Today England lost, but at least I got laid.

Haha, she was right <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/biggrin.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" />!

Übereil

Ube's Diary
Today Sweden lost to England and i had a Tommy Tank yet again!! <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/biggrin.gif" alt="" />

Lost to england again? Wasn't it like 30 years or something since you last beat us?

Übereil

Where did i say again ?? <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/think.gif" alt="" /> I said you had a Tommy tank again!!

Doctor Dave had slept with one of his patients and felt guilty all day
long.



No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he couldn't. The guilt
And sense of betrayal were overwhelming.



But every now and then he'd hear an internal reassuring voice in his
Head that said: "Dave, don't worry about it. You aren't the first
medical practitioner to sleep with one of their patients and you won't
be the last. And you're single. Just let it go."



But invariably another voice in his head would bring him back to
Reality.



Whispering......









Dave........














Dave........


















........you're a vet


<img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/evilgrin1.gif" alt="" />

Nice one Mea <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/biggrin.gif" alt="" />. A bit on the same theme (originally a comic strip. Note that this isn't that politiclly correct, even though it's quite innocent (IMO)):

There was a pause in a teacher's meeting, and two guys where talking with eachother. The first guy said:

"You know, it's funney... When I was in high school I allways fell in love with my teachers. And now that I TEACH high school I fall in love with my students."

The other teacher sais:

"Yeah, I know the feeling, I fall in love with my students all the time."

The first one replies:

"Yeah, but... you teach kindergarden..."

Übereil