A rich, greedy old man died one day and found himself standing at the pearly gates. Saint Peter came up before him and asked, "What have you done in your life to deserve admittance into Heaven?" The old man thought about this for a good long time--truly, he had lived a selfish and narcissistic existence--and after much pondering exclaimed that he once gave a couple of dimes to a poor bum on the street. Peter glared at the old man. "Well.. I'll have to ask God about this one". The old man anxiously waited and waited, until Saint Peter finally returned. "Well?" asked the man. Peter smiled. "God says to take your twenty cents and go to hell".


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A woman is looking at herself naked in the mirror. She says to her husband, "Honey, I'm old and fat. Cheer me up. Pay me a compliment." "Well," he replies, "your eyesight is still good!"


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It was Olympics time and the Russians had sent their best man to compete in the wrestling competition. This man was famous for one thing, and that was the 'iron grip', if he got anyone into that grip, then they were as good as dead-meat. The Swedes were studying video cuts of this wrestler, and it dawned upon them, that if their competitor managed to avoid falling into this 'iron grip', they could win.
The best of the Swedes finally made it to the final, and so did the Russian. It started good, the Swede managing to get a in couple of points. Then when there was only a half minute left the Russian managed to get the Swede into his 'Iron Grip'. The Swedish coach walked depressedly back to the locker room. As he entered he heard the crowd roar outside "Sverige, Sverige, Sverige! ".
The wrestler entered the locker room cheering. The coach looked at him wonderingly, and asked, "How did you get out of the 'Iron-Grip'?" The wrestler was gasping air, "Well, as I was lying there, trying to get out of it, I saw these two nuts just hanging there in front of me, and I just thought: 'this is the Olympics; it is only held every 4th year; this is my big chance, it's now or never.' Soo, I put 'em in my mouth and bit as hard as I could.. and I can promise you one thing, if you bite your own that hard you can get out of any grip."

The question is not, Can they reason? nor, Can they talk? but, Can they suffer?
~Jeremy Bentham