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Catholic School

Little Grace was not the best student in parochial school.
She usually slept through her classes.

One day the Nun called on her while she was napping and
asked, "Tell me, Grace, who created the universe?"

When Grace didn't stir, little Johnny, seated in the chair
behind her, took a pencil and jabbed her in the rear.
"God Almighty!" shouted Grace, and the Nun said,
"Very good." Soon Grace fell back asleep.

A while later the Nun called on Grace and asked, "Who is
our Lord and Savior?" But Grace didn't even stir from her
slumber. Once again, Little Johnny came to the rescue and
stuck her with his pencil.

"Jesus Christ!" shouted Grace.

"Very good" The Nun said.
Grace started to fall back asleep, when the Nun asked Grace
a third question.

"What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?"
This time Grace was just awake enough to hear the question - and
she knew what was coming, so she jumped up and shouted, "If you
stick that damn thing in me one more time, I'll break it in half!"

The Nun fainted. <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/stupid.gif" alt="" />

A man, sitting next to a woman on a jet, suddenly sneezes. Unexpectedly, he unzips his pants and wipes the end of his penis off with his handkerchief. He then zips up and continues reading his magazine. The woman cannot believe what she just saw.

Then he sneezes again, unzips, pulls out his penis and wipes it off with a handkerchief. The woman says, "Excuse me sir, but that is disgusting and rude."

He says, "I am so sorry that I have offended you. I have this very rare, embarrassing physical handicap that causes me to orgasm every time I sneeze."

The woman, disarmed by the man's honesty, and somewhat embarrassed by her own callousness, says, with sympathy, "Oh you poor man, what,are you taking for it?"

"Pepper," he replies.

Bwahahahahahahahahaha... <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/biggrin.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/up.gif" alt="" />

Oh yeah, well done you guys <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/biggrin.gif" alt="" />

A rich, greedy old man died one day and found himself standing at the pearly gates. Saint Peter came up before him and asked, "What have you done in your life to deserve admittance into Heaven?" The old man thought about this for a good long time--truly, he had lived a selfish and narcissistic existence--and after much pondering exclaimed that he once gave a couple of dimes to a poor bum on the street. Peter glared at the old man. "Well.. I'll have to ask God about this one". The old man anxiously waited and waited, until Saint Peter finally returned. "Well?" asked the man. Peter smiled. "God says to take your twenty cents and go to hell".


-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
A woman is looking at herself naked in the mirror. She says to her husband, "Honey, I'm old and fat. Cheer me up. Pay me a compliment." "Well," he replies, "your eyesight is still good!"


-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
It was Olympics time and the Russians had sent their best man to compete in the wrestling competition. This man was famous for one thing, and that was the 'iron grip', if he got anyone into that grip, then they were as good as dead-meat. The Swedes were studying video cuts of this wrestler, and it dawned upon them, that if their competitor managed to avoid falling into this 'iron grip', they could win.
The best of the Swedes finally made it to the final, and so did the Russian. It started good, the Swede managing to get a in couple of points. Then when there was only a half minute left the Russian managed to get the Swede into his 'Iron Grip'. The Swedish coach walked depressedly back to the locker room. As he entered he heard the crowd roar outside "Sverige, Sverige, Sverige! ".
The wrestler entered the locker room cheering. The coach looked at him wonderingly, and asked, "How did you get out of the 'Iron-Grip'?" The wrestler was gasping air, "Well, as I was lying there, trying to get out of it, I saw these two nuts just hanging there in front of me, and I just thought: 'this is the Olympics; it is only held every 4th year; this is my big chance, it's now or never.' Soo, I put 'em in my mouth and bit as hard as I could.. and I can promise you one thing, if you bite your own that hard you can get out of any grip."

Ouch!!! <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/evilgrin1.gif" alt="" />

Job interview for three blondes

Three blondes were applying for the last available position on the Texas Highway Patrol.

The detective conducting the interview looked at the three of them and said, “So y’all want to be a cop, eh?”
The blondes all nodded.

The detective got up, opened a file drawer and pulled out a file folder. Sitting back down, he opened it up and pulled out a picture, and said, “To be a detective, you have to be able to detect. You must be able to notice things such as distinguishing features and oddities such as scars, etc.”
So saying, he stuck the photo in the face of the first blonde and withdrew it after about two seconds. “Now,” he said, “Did you notice any distinguishing features about the man?”

The blonde immediately said, “Yes, I did. He has only one eye”
The detective shook his head and said, “Of course he has only one eye in this picture! It’s a profile of his face! You’re dismissed!”
The first blonde hung her head and walked out of the office.

The detective then turned to the second blonde, stuck the photo in her face for two seconds, pulled it back and said, “What about you? Notice anything unusual or outstanding about this man?”
“Yes! He only has one ear!
The detective put his head in his hands and exclaimed, “Didn’t you hear what I just told the other lady? This is a profile of the man’s face! Of course you can only see one ear! You’re excused, too!”
The second blonde sheepishly walked out of the office.

The detective turned his attention to the third and last blonde and said, “This is probably a waste of time, but….” He flashed the photo in her face for a couple of seconds and withdrew it, saying, “All right, did you notice anything distinguishing or unusual about this man?”
The blonde said, “I did. This man wears contact lenses.”
The detective frowned, took another look at the picture and began looking at some of the papers in the folder. He looked up at the blonde with a puzzled expression and said, “You’re absolutely right! His folder says he wears contacts! How in the world could you tell that by looking at this picture?”

The blonde rolled her eyes and said, “Duh! With only one eye and one ear, he certainly can’t wear glasses!”

<img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/biggrin.gif" alt="" /> apologies to all Blonde Haired ppl here, no harm or insult was intended <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/evilgrin1.gif" alt="" />

London

4th October 2006


A public school teacher was arrested today at Gatwick Airport as he attempted to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a set square, a slide rule, and a calculator.

At a morning press conference, Home Secretary John Reid said he believes the man is a member of the notorious Al-gebra movement. He did not identify the man, who has been charged by the Met. Police with carrying weapons of maths instruction. "Al-gebra is a problem for us," Reid said. "They desire solutions by means and extremes, and sometimes go off on tangents in a search of absolute values. They use secret code names like "x" and "y" and refer to themselves as "unknowns," but we have determined they belong to a common denominator of the axis of medieval with co-ordinates in every country. As the Greek philanderer Isosceles used to say, "There are 3 sides to every triangle".

When asked to comment on the arrest, Prime Minister Tony Blair, speaking from his holiday resort before the planes stopped flying, said, "If God had wanted us to have better Weapons of Maths Instruction, He would have given us more fingers and toes."

LOL good one Spick <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/winkwink.gif" alt="" />

hmm .. a man walked in to a bar ...








































it hurt !!!!

*hides under pc desk*

A cheese sandwich walks into a bar and asks for a beer. Bartender says, I'm sorry. We don't serve food here.

-------------------
A battery cable walks into a bar. The bartender says "I'll serve you but don't try to start anything."

-------------------
A guy with dyslexia walks into a bra.

--------------
A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says, "A beer for me please and one for the road."

-------------
A font walked into a bar, and the bartender said "Get out of here - we don't serve your type."

Message from Mr. Blair

"We British are feeling the pinch in relation to recent terrorist bombing
and threats to destroy aircraft and therefore have raised our security level
from "Miffed" to "Peeved'. I understand that security levels may be raised
yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross". Londoners have not been "A
Bit Cross" since the Blitz in 1940 - when tea supplies all but ran out.
Terrorists have been officially re-categorized from "Tiresome" to a "Bloody
Nuisance". (The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning
level was during the Great Fire of London in 1666)."


Message from M. Chirac

"The French government announced yesterday that it had raised its
terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide". The only two higher levels in
France are "Surrender" and "Collaborate". The rise was precipitated by a
recent fire that destroyed France's white flag factory, effectively
paralysing the country's military capability." <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/biggrin.gif" alt="" />

Oooh Ouch! Spick me think you are gonna get the wet noodle from Barta <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/biggrin.gif" alt="" />

here's one for you then Mea... go to google search page and type in click on "I feel lucky" and see what you get!! <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/winkwink.gif" alt="" />

<img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/up.gif" alt="" />
<img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" />

hmm got this;
Napoleon Bonaparte invaded Turkish Egypt and won the Battle of the Pyramids, continuing his march into what is now Israel and Lebanon.

<img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/memad.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/evilgrin1.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/shhh.gif" alt="" />

PS please remember I have a French last name <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/biggrin.gif" alt="" />

Here you go Mea>>> http://www.google.co.uk/webhp type in french miltary victories and click on "i feel lucky " and you will get this>> http://www.albinoblacksheep.com/text/victories.html <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/biggrin.gif" alt="" />

LOL Spick <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/biggrin.gif" alt="" /> try this

I was at both of them games....Ahhhhh...Memories. <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/disagree.gif" alt="" />

[color:"yellow"] Definitions ??? [/color]

ADULT:
A person who has stopped growing at both ends and is now growing in the middle.

BEAUTY PARLOR:
A place where women curl up and dye.

CANNIBAL:
Someone who is fed up with people.

CHICKENS:
The only animals you eat before they are born
and after they are dead.

COMMITTEE:
A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.

DUST:
Mud with the juice squeezed out.

EGOTIST:
Someone who is usually me-deep in conversation.

HANDKERCHIEF:
Cold Storage.

INFLATION:
Cutting money in half without damaging the paper.

MOSQUITO:
An insect that makes you like flies better.

RAISIN:
Grape with a sunburn.

SECRET:
Something you tell to one person at a time.

SKELETON:
A bunch of bones with the person scraped off.

TOOTHACHE:
The pain that drives you to extraction.

TOMORROW:
One of the greatest labor saving devices of today.

YAWN:
An honest opinion openly expressed.

WRINKLES:
Something other people have.
You have character lines.

A little boy sends a letter to Santa and asks him to send him a sister, so Santa wrote back and said ok!!! send me your mother.