Larian Studios Forums General Chat Chat (Anything) did we do jokes already?

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[color:"orange"] What do Viagra And Disney Land have in common?

They both cause you to stand around for an hour waiting for a two minute ride!!
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I wish Martians would conquer the earth and make us their pets, I could really use a new flea leash. The one my wife uses is getting pretty darn short.
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An accountant is having a hard time sleeping and goes to see his doctor."Doctor, I just can't get to sleep at night." "Have you tried counting sheep?" "That's the problem - I make a mistake and then spend three hours trying to find it."
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What is the difference between a whore, a nimpho, and a blonde?

The whore says, "Aren't you done yet?" , The nimpho says, "Are you done ALREADY?" And the blonde says, "Beige. I think I'll paint the celling beige..."
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We'll start out slow......

Dear Kotex,

I recently noticed that the peel-off strip of my pantiliner had a bunch of "Kotex Tips for Life" on it.

Annoying advice such as:

Staying active during your period can relieve cramps.
Avoiding caffeine may help reduce cramps and headaches.
Drink 6-8 glasses of water a day to keep you hydrated and feeling fresh.
Try Kotex blah blah blah other products...

Obviously the individual behind this was someone who has never possessed a functioning set of ovaries.

Go ahead and tell a menstruating woman that drinking 6-8 glasses of water will help keep her feeling fresh.

Like we need more fluid inside our bloated bodies from hell...but go ahead...I triple-dog-friggen-dare-ya...See what happens and report back. I'll wait.

While you're at it, dump out the coffee at work and remove the chocolate from the vending machine. I garan-damn-tee you that the first responders will be females who just ovulated.

Staying active will relieve headaches & cramps...well guess what, the only activities that interest me is eating..sleeping..bitching or crying for no apparent reason.. ...and oh...does ripping someone's head off count as a friggen' activity?????

Look, females don't need or want tips for living on their feminine hygiene products.

Younger girls are already hearing "helpful" crap like that from elderly relatives. Veteran females have already concocted their own recipes for survival, many containing alcohol & barbiturates.

Printing out crap advice while sneaking in ads for the brand that was already purchased is just plain annoying, not to mention rude, and is enough to send a girl running to the Always brand
..

It's not a fun time, but DO NOT try to cheer us up by adding smiley faces or bunnies or flowery
cutesy crap to your products or the packaging.

Put the crap in a plain brown wrapper so we can throw it in our carts discreetly and have it blend in among the wine and beer.

There is nothing more annoying than having a blinding pink package announcing your uterine state to everyone in the store.

Why don't ya just add an in-store microphone to the damn package& announce that..helloooo, another female is in the store . and it's her time of the month!!!!!

So take your tips for living and your cute bunnies & the smiley faces and shove them right up your [nocando]!

P.S. How about adding a free sample of Pamprin & maybe a shot of Vodka to your packages instead?

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LOL dunno about the feminine population on this forum, but from my experience that is pretty frigging accurate !

The last female in that condition that comes to mind answered "everything" with

"WHAAAAT!!!!!"
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All about the internet..Have a great day....

A little boy goes to his father and asks "Daddy, how was I born?"
The father answers: "Well son, I guess one day you will need to find out anyway!
Your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on Yahoo.
Then I set up a date via e-mail with your Mom and we met at a cyber-café.
We sneaked into a secluded room, where your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive.
As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall,and since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later a little Pop-Up appeared that said:
Scroll Down


























You got Male!
<img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" />

An old man, a boy & a donkey were going to town. The boy rode on the donkey & the old man walked. As they went along they passed some people who remarked it was a shame the old man was walking & the boy was riding.

The man & boy thought maybe the critics were right, so they changed positions.

Later, they passed some people that remarked, "What a shame, he makes that little boy walk."

They then decided they both would walk! Soon they passed some more people who thought they were stupid to walk when they had a decent donkey to ride. So, they both rode the donkey.

Now they passed some people that shamed them by saying how awful to put such a load on a poor donkey.

The boy & man said they were probably right, so they decide to carry the donkey. As they crossed the bridge, they lost their grip on the animal & he fell into the river and drowned.

The moral of the story ?

If you try to please everyone, you might as well...

Kiss your [nocando] goodbye!

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The Blonde Texas City Girl...

Amy, a blonde Texas city girl, marries a Texas rancher. One morning, on his way out to check on the cows, the rancher says to Amy, "The insemination man is coming over to impregnate one of our cows today. I drove a nail into the two-by-four just above the cow's stall in the barn. You show him where the cow is when he gets here, okay?"

So the rancher leaves for the fields. After a while, the artificial insemination man arrives and knocks on the front door. Amy takes him down to the barn They walk along the row of cows and when she sees the nail, she tells him, "This is the one.. right here."

Terribly impressed by what he seemed to think just might be another ditzy blonde, the man asks, "Tell me little lady, how did you know this is the cow to be bred?

"That's simple. By the nail over its stall," Amy explains very confidently.

Then the man asks, "What's the nail for?"

She turns to walk away, and with complete confidence, says: "I guess it's to hang your pants on..."

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Will You Marry Me?



A guy with a 25-inch member went to a doctor and said, "I can't live with this anymore!
It's too long." The doctor replied, "I can't do anything for you, but if
you see the witchdoctor in the bayou, she can help you."

So, he went to the bayou and saw the witch doctor. The witch doctor said, "Go into the swamp and find a female frog.
Ask her to marry you. She'll say 'No' and you'll lose 5 inches off your member!"

So, he went to the swamp and found the frog and asked her, "Will you marry me?"
"No!" she said.

He lost 5 inches off his member! The guy liked the results, and thought,
20 inches is just too much. So he asked the frog again, "Will you marry me?"

The frog said, "No!" And the guy lost another 5 inches. He thought, 15 inches is great!
But 10 inches would just be perfect.!!!

So he asked, "Will you marry me?"

And the frog said, "How many times do I have to tell you...NO! NO! NO!"


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A guy goes in an adult store and asks for an inflatable doll.

Guy behind the counter says, "Male or female?"

Customer says, "Female"

Counter guy asks, "Black or white?"

Customer says, "White"

Counter guy asks, "Christian or Muslim?"

Customer says, "What the heck does religion have to do with it?"

Counter guy says, "The Muslim one blows itself up.... <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/stupid.gif" alt="" />

I just got this from my Aunt in Cali. Usually she sends emails that say there is an attachment and there is none, or she fwds something (supposedly) and there is nothing there...but today was funny:

When going to get his driver's license renewed at the local motor-vehicle bureau, a man was not surprised to find that the building was packed. The line inched along for almost an hour until he finally got his license.

He inspected his photo for a moment and commented to the clerk, "I was standing in line so long, I ended up looking pretty grouchy in this picture."

"The clerk looked at his picture closely.

"It's okay," he reassured the man. "That's how you're going to look when the cops pull you over anyway." <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/suspicion.gif" alt="" />

Subject: Italian Bread


Two old guys, one 80 and one 87, were sitting on their usual park bench seat one morning.

The 87 year old had just finished his morning jog and wasn't even short of breath.

The 80 year old was amazed at his friend's stamina and asked him what he did to have so much energy.

The 87 year old said, "well, I eat Italian bread every day. It keeps your energy level high and you'll have great stamina with the ladies."

So, on the way home, the 80 year old stops in at the bakery. As he was looking around, the lady behind the counter asked if he needed any help. He said, "do you have any Italian bread?"

She said, "yes, there's a whole shelf of it. Would you like some?"

He said, "yes, I want 5 loaves."

She said, "my goodness, 5 loaves. Don't you think by the time you get to the 5th loaf, it'll be hard?"

He replied, "Holy crow, everybody in the world knows about this Italian
bread thing but me!!" <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" />

Bill Clinton, Al Gore, and George W. Bush face a firing squad in a small Central American country.

Bill Clinton is the first one placed against the wall and just before the order to shoot him is given, he yells, "Earthquake!" The firing squad falls into a panic and Bill jumps over the wall and escapes in the
confusion.

Al Gore is the second one placed against the wall. The squad is reassembled and Al ponders what his old boss has done. Before the order to shoot is given, Al yells, "Tsunami!" Again the squad falls apart and Al slips over the wall.

The last person, George W. Bush, is placed against the wall. He is thinking, "I see the pattern here, just scream out a disaster and hop over the wall." As the firing squad is reassembled and the rifles raised in his direction, he grins and yells, "Fire!" <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/stupid.gif" alt="" />

Gosh! What a coincidence! I have an uncle in Cali, and he sent me this joke:

I didn't get it <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/suspicion.gif" alt="" />...

Übereil

Oh, you don't get any Italian bread in Sweden? Poor Swedes ... <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/winkwink.gif" alt="" />

Ah, in case you meant the joke: The lady behind the counter refers to the 5th loaf of bread being hard by the time one gets to eat it. The old man, however, thinks "it" refers to his member becoming hard, since his friend has bragged about great stamina with the ladies.

egg-sac-lee <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/XmasJump.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" />

Aaah! Jurak you are still the master of humor <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/biggrin.gif" alt="" /> thanks my friend <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/winkwink.gif" alt="" />

sometimes they come fast and hard........
and sometimes they come soft and easy.......... <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/biggrin.gif" alt="" />
glad to make someone's day, a happy one!

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Mrs. Johnson decided to have her own portrait painted by a very famous artist. She told the artist, "Paint me with 3-carat diamond earrings, a large diamond necklace, glimmering emerald bracelets, and a beautiful red ruby pendant."
"But ma'am, you are not wearing any of those things."
"I know," said Mrs. Johnson. "My health is not good, and my husband is having an affair with his secretary.
When I die I'm sure he will marry her, and I want the bitch to go nuts looking for the jewelry..."

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<img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/up.gif" alt="" />

Carl was describing his new secretary cheerfully to the family at dinner. "She’s efficient, personable, clever, punctual, and darned attractive, to boot. In short she’s a real doll!"
"A doll?" said his wife, with a frown.
"A doll!" re-emphasized her oblivious husband.
At which point, their five-year-old daughter, who knew a little something about dolls, looked up from her plate to ask "Does she close her eyes when you lay her down, Daddy?"