Larian Studios Forums General Chat Chat (Anything) did we do jokes already?

We have a similar "problem" here. <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/delight.gif" alt="" />

The head and Minister of Bavaria (one of Germany's several federal states), Mr. Stoiber, is known to have similar problems ... <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/delight.gif" alt="" />

I just quote from the German section of these forums :





Well, if that is true that he actually said "US-President Brezhnev" ... <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />
("Breschenew" is the German form of his name.)

Jurak, long lost friend!! I'm soo glad you decided to rejoin this crew. May the force of humour always be with you my big green friend!! <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/hug.gif" alt="" />

ok, some of these are old but .......


MARRIAGES

I recently read that love is entirely a matter of chemistry.
That must be why my wife treats me like toxic waste.
David Bissonette

When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.
Sacha Guitry

After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin; they just can't face each other, but still they stay together.
Hemant Joshi

By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you'll be happy. If you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.
Socrates

Woman inspires us to great things, and prevents us from achieving them.
Dumas

The great question... Which I have not been able to answer... Is, "What does a woman want?
Sigmund Freud

I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me.
Anonymous

"Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays."
Henny Youngman

"I don't worry about terrorism. I was married for two years."
Sam Kinison

"There's a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It's called marriage."
James Holt McGavran

"I've had bad luck with both my wives. The first one left me, and the second one didn't."
Patrick Murray

Two secrets to keep your marriage brimming
1. Whenever you're wrong, admit it,
2. Whenever you're right, shut up.
Nash

The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once...
Anonymous

You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to.
Henny Youngman

My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.
Rodney Dangerfield

A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong.
Milton Berle

A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: "Wife wanted". Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."
Anonymous

First Guy (proudly): "My wife's an angel!"
Second Guy: "You're lucky, mine's still alive."

I'm not sure if this is funny or horrifying...

Funny Doctor Chart Bloopers:
Actual Medical Record Entries Mistakes From Doctors

Discharge status: alive but without permission.

The patient has been depressed ever since she began seeing me in 1983.

The patient refused an autopsy.

The patient has no past history of suicides.

Patient has left his white blood cells at another hospital.

Between you and me, we ought to be able to get this lady pregnant.

She is numb from her toes down.

Occasional, constant, infrequent headaches.

Since she can’t get pregnant with her husband, I thought you would like to work her up.

Exam of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.

<img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/tongue.gif" alt="" />

Hmmm... Nobody replied to my ad to go back in time.... <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/biggrin.gif" alt="" />

Very funny Lady Sarah <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" /> , nice to see you back!!

Thanks Galadriel. It's good to be back!
<img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/wave.gif" alt="" />

<img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" />

@ Lady Sarah -> welcome back! <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/wave.gif" alt="" />

Hi janggut!! It's good to see everyone again!

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

TOP TEN BAD THINGS ABOUT HAVING A SUMMER TIME SHARE WITH DARTH VADER

10. Claims those long-distance calls to the Death Star aren't his.

9. Uses Jedi powers to shake up your root beer right before you open it.

8. He's always accusing you of hiding his asthma inhaler.

7. Claims he paid you the rent "a long, long time ago."

6. Dances around in nothing but cape and cowboy hat while doing "Darth Brooks" routine.

5. For once he could use Force to lift his wet towel off the couch.

4. That scary music that plays when he enters a room gets old real fast.

3. You feel like an idiot saying, "No, Darth isn't here. He's on the ice planet Hoth."

2. Not easy cleaning burnt Ewok fur off the barbecue grill.

1. Constantly doing his lame James Earl Jones impression.

Since I be out of town this weekend, Happy Easter Early Everybody!!


http://www.ahajokes.com/cartoon/easter.jpg

This reached me as an e-mail yesterday evening :

<img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/biggrin.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/up.gif" alt="" /> good one, Al!

Apples & Wine

Women are like apples on trees. The best ones are at the top of the tree. Most men don't want to reach for the good ones because they are afraid of falling and getting hurt. Instead, they sometimes take the apples from the ground that aren't as good, but easy. The apples at the top think something is wrong with them, when in reality, they're amazing. They just have to wait for the right man to come along, the who is brave enough to climb all the way to the top of the tree.

Now men... men are like a fine wine. They begin as grapes, and it's up to women to stomp the [nocando] out of them until they turn into something acceptable to have dinner with.

Share this with all the good apples you know.

HeF, it appears that married life is beginning to suit you <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/evilgrin1.gif" alt="" />

<img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/biggrin.gif" alt="" /> very funny, HEF. <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/up.gif" alt="" />

Hmm depends which way you look at it <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/biggrin.gif" alt="" />

BEER TROUBLESHOOTING <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/tongue.gif" alt="" />

SYMPTOM: Feet cold and wet.
FAULT: Glass being held at incorrect angle.
ACTION: Rotate glass so that open end points toward ceiling.

SYMPTOM: Feet warm and wet.
FAULT: Improper bladder control.
ACTION: Stand next to nearest dog, complain about house training.

SYMPTOM: Beer unusually pale and tasteless.
FAULT: Glass empty.
ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer.

SYMPTOM: Opposite wall covered with fluorescent lights.
FAULT: You have fallen over backward.
ACTION: Have yourself leashed to bar.

SYMPTOM: Mouth contains cigarette butts.
FAULT: You have fallen forward.
ACTION: See above.

SYMPTOM: Beer tasteless, front of your shirt is wet.
FAULT: Mouth not open, or glass applied to wrong part of
face.
ACTION: Retire to restroom, practice in mirror.

SYMPTOM: Floor blurred.
FAULT: You are looking through bottom of empty glass.
ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer.

SYMPTOM: Floor moving.
FAULT: You are being carried out.
ACTION: Find out if you are being taken to another bar.

SYMPTOM: Room seems unusually dark.
FAULT: Bar has closed.
ACTION: Confirm home address with bartender.

SYMPTOM: Taxi suddenly takes on colorful aspect and
textures.
FAULT: Beer consumption has exceeded personal limitations.
ACTION: Cover mouth.

SYMPTOM: Everyone looks up to you and smiles.
FAULT: You are dancing on the table.
ACTION: Fall on somebody cushy-looking.

SYMPTOM: Beer is crystal-clear.
FAULT: It's water. Somebody is trying to sober you up.
ACTION: Punch him.

SYMPTOM: Hands hurt, nose hurts, mind unusually clear.
FAULT: You have been in a fight.
ACTION: Apologize to everyone you see, just in case it was them.

SYMPTOM: Don't recognize anyone, don't recognize the room you're in.
FAULT: You've wandered into the wrong party.
ACTION: See if they have free beer.

SYMPTOM: Your singing sounds distorted.
FAULT: The beer is too weak.
ACTION: Have more beer until your voice improves.

SYMPTOM: Don't remember the words to the song.
FAULT: Beer is just right.
ACTION: Play air guitar.

In honor of Drag's new job...
<img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/biggrin.gif" alt="" />
How to Screw up an Interview

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
We've all been interviewed for jobs. And, we've all spent most of those interviews thinking about what not to do. Don't bite your nails. Don't fidget. Don't interrupt. Don't belch. If we did any of the don'ts, we knew we'd disqualify ourselves instantly. But some job applicants go light years beyond this. We surveyed top personnel executives of 100 major American corporations and asked for stories of unusual behavior by job applicants.

The lowlights:

1. "... stretched out on the floor to fill out the job application."

2. "She wore a Walkman and said she could listen to me and the music at the same time."

3. " A balding candidate abruptly excused himself. Returned to office a few minutes later, wearing a hairpiece."

4. "... asked to see interviewer's resume to see if the personnel executive was qualified to judge the candidate."

5. "... announced she hadn't had lunch and proceeded to eat a hamburger and French fries in the interviewer's office - wiping the ketchup on her sleeve"

6. "Stated that, if he were hired, he would demonstrate his loyalty by having the corporate logo tattooed on his forearm."

7. "Interrupted to phone his therapist for advice on answering specific interview questions."

8. "When I asked him about his hobbies, he stood up and started tap dancing around my office."

9. "At the end of the interview, while I stood there dumbstruck, he went through my purse, took out a brush, brushed his hair, and left."

10. "... pulled out a Polaroid camera and snapped a flash picture of me. Said he collected photos of everyone who interviewed him."

aah, those job interview stories remind me of some Worse Than Failure stories.
and btw, I would so hire nr 6 <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/biggrin.gif" alt="" />

Check you're on the right plane!

A photographer for CNN was assigned to cover southern California’s wildfires. He wanted pictures of the heroic work the firefighters were doing as they battled the blazes.

When he arrived on the scene, he realised that the smoke was so thick it would seriously impede, or even make impossible, his getting good photographs from ground level. He requested permission from his boss to rent a plane and take photos from the air.

His request was approved and he used his mobile phone to call the local county airport to charter a flight. He was told a single engined plane would be waiting for him at the airport.

Arriving at the airfield, he spotted a plane warming up outside a hangar. He jumped in with his bag, slammed the door shut, and shouted, “Let’s go!”

The pilot taxied out, swung the plane into the wind and roared down the runway. Once in the air, the photographer instructed the pilot, “Fly over the valley and make two or three low passes so I can take some pictures of the fires on the hillsides.”

“Why?” asked the pilot.

“Because I’m a photographer for CNN,” he responded, ‘And I need to get some close-up shots.”

The pilot was strangely silent for a moment, until finally he stammered,





“So, what you’re telling me, is … you’re NOT my flying instructor?”