Larian Studios Forums General Chat Chat (Anything) did we do jokes already?

<img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/biggrin.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/up.gif" alt="" />

A husband leans over and asks his wife, "Do you remember the first time
we had sex together over fifty years ago?
We went behind this very tavern where you leaned against the back fence
and I made love to you."
Yes, she says, "I remember it well."
"Ok", he says, "How about taking a stroll around there again and we can
do it for old time's sake?"
"Oh Charlie, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!"

A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and
having a chuckle to himself, he thinks to himself, I've got to see these
two old-timers having sex against a fence.
I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble. So he follows them.

The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for
support aided by walking sticks.
Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the
fence. The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers.
As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in. Then suddenly
they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has ever seen.
This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises,
moaning and screaming. Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground.
The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life
and old age that he didn't know.
After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old
couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on.

The Policeman, is still watching and thinks to himself, this is truly
amazing, I've got to ask them what their secret is.
So, as the couple passes, he says to them "Excuse me, but that was
something else. You must've had a fantastic sex life together. Is
there some sort of secret to this?"
Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply, "Fifty years ago that
wasn't an electric fence."


Here ya go buddy, one more for Mea, for old times sake...... <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/biggrin.gif" alt="" />

I think you've posted it before. But it was too long ago for me to remember the punchline, so I still liked it! <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/biggrin.gif" alt="" />

Übereil

Thanks Jurak, for remembering the good ol' times <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/hug.gif" alt="" />

Is Ice T here?

No?

Auw shuks now I can't break T Ice. <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/cry.gif" alt="" />

CNN HAVE JUST REPORTED THIS - Newfies declare war on the USA


President George Bush was in the Oval Office wondering which country to invade next, when his telephone rang.

"Hallo, President Bush" a heavily accented voice said. This is Archie, up 'ere at the Harp Seal Pub in Badger's Cove, Newfoundland, Canada eh? I am callin' to tells ya dat we are officially declaring war on you eh!"

"Well Archie," George replied, "This is indeed important news! How big is your army?"

"Right now," said Archie, after a moments calculation "there is myself, me cousin Harold, me next-door-neighbor Mick, and the whole dart team from the pub. That makes eight!"

George paused.. "I must tell you Archie, that I have one million men in my army waiting to move on my command."

"Holy jeez," said Archie. "I'll have ta call ya back!"

Sure enough, the next day, Archie called again. "Mr. Bush, the war is still on! We have managed to acquire some infantry equipment!"

"And what equipment would that be Archie?", George asked.

"Well sir, we have two combines, a bulldozer, and Harry's farm tractor."

President Bush sighed. "I must tell you Archie, that I have 16,000 tanks and 14,000 armoured personnel carriers. Also, I've increased my army to one and a half million since we last spoke."

"Lard T'underin' Jaysus, bye", said Archie, "I'll be getting back to ya."

Sure enough, Archie rang again the next day. "President Bush, the war is still on! We have managed to git ourselves airborne! We up an' modified Harrigan's ultra-light wit a couple of shotguns in the cockpit, and four byes from the Legion have joined us as well!"

George was silent for a minute then cleared his throat. "I must tell you Archie that I have 10,000 bombers and 20,000 fighter planes. My military complex is surrounded by laser-guided, surface-to-air missile sites. And since we last spoke, I've increased my army to TWO MILLION!"

"Jeysus, Mary and Joseph," said Archie,"I'll have ta call youse back."

Sure enough, Archie called again the next day. "President Bush! I am sorry to have to tell you dat we have had to call off dis 'ere war."

"I'm sorry to hear that" said George. "Why the sudden change of heart?"

"Well, sir," said Archie, "we've all sat ourselves down and had a long chat over a bunch of pints, and come to realize dat dere's no way we can feed two million prisoners."

<img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" />

Subject: A timeless lesson on how consultants can make a difference for an
organization.

Last week, we took some friends out to a new restaurant and noticed that the
waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket. It seemed a
little strange. When the busboy brought our water and utensils, I noticed he
also had a spoon in his shirt pocket. Then I looked around saw that all the
staff had spoons in their pockets.

When the waiter came back to serve our soup I asked, "Why the spoon?" "Well,
he explained, "The restaurant's owners hired Andersen Consulting to revamp
all our processes. After several months of analysis, they concluded that the
spoon was the most frequently dropped utensil. It represents a drop
frequency of approximately 3 spoons per table per hour. If our personnel
are better prepared, we can reduce the number of trips back to the kitchen
and save 15 man-hours per shift."

As luck would have it, I dropped my spoon and he was able to replace it with
his spare. "I'll get another spoon next time I go to the kitchen instead of
making an extra trip to get it right now."

I was impressed. I also noticed that there was a string hanging out of the
waiter's fly. Looking round, I noticed that all the waiters had the same
string hanging from their flies. So before he walked off, I asked the
waiter, "Excuse me, but can you tell me why you have that string right
there?" "Oh, certainly!" Then he lowered his voice. "Not everyone is so
observant. That consulting firm I mentioned also found out that we can save
time in the restroom by tying this string to the tip of our 'you know what'.
That way, we can pull it out without touching it and eliminate the need to
wash our hands, shortening the time spent in the restroom by 76.39 percent."

I asked, "After you get it out, how do you put it back?"

"Well," he whispered, "I don't know about the others, but I use the spoon. <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />

Why men wear ear rings

A man is at work one day when he notices
that his co-worker is wearing an earring,
The man knows his co-worker to be a
normally conservative fellow,
and is curious about his sudden change in fashion sense...


The man walks up to him and says,
"I didn't know you were into earrings."
"Don't make such a big deal, it's only
an earring," he replies sheepishly.
His friend falls silent for a few minutes,
but then his curiosity prods him to ask,

"So, how long have you been wearing one?"
"Ever since my wife found it in my truck."


(I always wondered how this trend got started)


Why men wear ear rings

A man is at work one day when he notices
that his co-worker is wearing an earring,
The man knows his co-worker to be a
normally conservative fellow,
and is curious about his sudden change in fashion sense...


The man walks up to him and says,
"I didn't know you were into earrings."
"Don't make such a big deal, it's only
an earring," he replies sheepishly.
His friend falls silent for a few minutes,
but then his curiosity prods him to ask,

"So, how long have you been wearing one?"
"Ever since my wife found it in my truck."


(I always wondered how this trend got started)

A fortune-telling midget escaped from prison. The next morning, the headlines read, "Small Medium at Large!"

Two blondes were walking along the beach with their friend, a brunette, when a seagull pooped on one blonde. "I'll go get some toilet paper" said the brunette, scurrying off. One blonde said to the other, "Dummy brunette! By the time she gets back, that seagull will be long gone!"

<img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" />

The shop teacher was surprised on the first day of school to find a girl in his class, and a hot young blonde at that. "Are you sure you're in the right class?" he asked. Judy assured him that she was. "I'm afraid this course may be out of your league. Do you have any experience with tools?" "Like what?" asked Judy. "Well, do you know the difference between a nail, a screw and a bolt?" he asked. Judy thought a moment and then replied, "I can't rightly say -- because I've never been bolted!"

<img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/stupid.gif" alt="" />
<img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/wave.gif" alt="" />

"Late again?" Miss Crabtree scolded Little Johnny. "It ain't my fault," said Little Johnny. "This is my Daddy's fault. I'm three hours late cause Daddy sleeps naked!" Miss Crabtree had taught grammar school for over thirty years but had never heard that one before. "Exactly what does that mean, Johnny?" "Well, Miss Crabtree, a coyote's been hangin' round the ranch lately. He's killed six hens and Ma's best goat. So last night, when Daddy heard a noise out in the chicken pen, he grabbed his gun and told Ma, 'That coyote's back again. I'm a'gonna git 'im!'" He told us kids to stay inside and he ran out naked as a jaybird, no boots, no pants, no shirt, no nuttin'! He crawled out to the hen house, stuck his shotgun through the window of the chicken coop. As he tried to see into the dark coop, our hound dog came sneakin' up behind him and stuck his cold nose right up Daddy's behind! Miss Crabtree, we been cleanin' chickens since three o'clock this mornin!'"

A woman walked into a pharmacy and told the pharmacist she needed some
cyanide.

The pharmacist said, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"

She explained she needed it to poison her husband.

The pharmacist's eyes got big and he said, "Lord, have mercy. I can't give you
cyanide to kill your husband! That's against the law! I'll lose my license;
they'll throw us in jail...bad things will happen! Absolutely not, you can NOT
have any cyanide!"

She reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed...

with the pharmacist's wife.
The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, "Well, now. You didn't
tell me you had a prescription." <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/think.gif" alt="" />

Two nuns slipped out of the convent for a night on the town. They hit the clubs until closing, but to enter the convent grounds they had to crawl under a chain link fence. Crawling on their bellies, one was drunk enough to pretend it was barbed wire. "Doesn't make you feel like a marine?" she asked. The other grunted, "Sure, but where are we gonna find one at this hour?"

Since a recent analysis revealed the presence of female hormones in beer, scientists for Health Canada ran a study to see if drinking beer turns men into women. In the study, men were each given six pints of beer per day for a month. 100% of the men gained weight, talked excessively without making sense, became overly emotional, couldn't drive or think rationally, argued over nothing, and refused to apologize when wrong. No further testing is planned.

There are many aspects of school that you don't appreciate until you get older. Little things, like being spanked by a middle-aged woman!

My flight was being served by an obviously gay flight attendant, who

>>>seemed to put everyone in a good mood as he served us food and drinks.

>>>As the plane prepared to descend, he came swishing down the aisle and

>>>told us that "Captain Marvey has asked me to announce that he'll be

>>>landing the big scary plane shortly, so lovely people, if you could just

>>>put your trays up, that would be super."

>>>On his trip back up the aisle, he noticed this well-dressed and rather

>>>Arabic looking woman hadn't moved a muscle. "Perhaps you didn't hear me

>>>over those big brute engines but I asked you to raise your trazy-poo, so

>>>the main man can pitty-pat us on the ground."

>>>She calmly turned her head and said, "In my country, I am called a

>>>Princess and I take orders from no one."

>>>To which (I swear) the flight attendant replied, without missing a beat,

>>>"Well, sweet-cheeks, in my country I'm called a Queen, so I outrank you.

>>>Tray-up, Bitch."

These are not made up. Check them out yourself.


1. "Who Represents" is where you can find the name of the agent that represents any celebrity. Their Web site is www.whorepresents.com


2. "Experts Exchange" is a knowledge base where programmers can exchange advice and views at www.expertsexchange.com


3. Looking for a pen? Look no further than " Pen Island " at www.penisland.net


4. Need a therapist? Try "Therapist Finder" at www.therapistfinder.com


5. There's the "Italian Power Generator Company" at www.powergenitalia.com


6. And don't forget the "Mole Station Native Nursery" in New South Wales, http://www.molestationnursery.com/


7. If you're looking for IP computer software, there's always
http://www.ipanywhere.com/


8. The " First Cumming Methodist Church " Web site is www.cummingfirst.com


9. And the designers at "Speed of Art" await you at their wacky Web site, http://www.speedofart.com/

<img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/stupid.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/stupid.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/stupid.gif" alt="" />

LOL!! Jurak, I swear, you hurt me this time. I'm suffering from a bad bronchitis and my left lung hurts like hell. With all that laughing I had to take another painkiller <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/biggrin.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" />

Waiter! This coffee tastes like mud

Yes sir, it's fresh ground.



And since you all loved that one, I'll post an other quick one.

A termite walks into a bar room and asks, "Is the bar tender here?

<img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" />

NEOLOGISMS

Once again, The Washington Post has published the winning submissions to its yearly neologism contest, in which readers are asked to supply alternate meanings for common words. The winners are:

1. Coffee (n.), the person upon whom one coughs.

2. Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight you have gained.

3. Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.

4. Esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation while drunk.

5. Willy-nilly (adj.), impotent.

6. Negligent (adj.), describes a condition in which you absentmindedly answer the door in your nightgown.

7. Lymph (v.), to walk with a lisp.


8. Gargoyle (n.), olive-flavored mouthwash.

9. Flatulence (n.) emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a steamroller.

10. Balderdash (n.), a rapidly receding hairline.

11. Testicle (n.), a humorous question on an exam.

12. Rectitude (n.), the formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists.

13. Pokemon (n), a Rastafarian proctologist.

14. Oyster (n.), a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddishisms.

15. Frisbeetarianism (n.), (back by popular demand): The belief that, when you die, your Soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there.

16. Circumvent (n.), an opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish men.



The Washington Post's Style Invitational also asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition.
Here are this year's winners:

1. Bozone (n): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.

2. Foreploy (v): Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid .


3. Cashtration (n): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period .

4. Giraffiti (n): Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.

5. Sarchasm (n): The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.

6. Inoculatte (v): To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.

7. Hipatitis (n): Terminal coolness.

8. Osteopornosis (n): A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit).

9. Karmageddon (n): its like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right?

And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer.

10. Decafalon (n): The gruelling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.

11. Glibido (v): All talk and no action.

12. Dopeler effect (n): The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.

13. Arachnoleptic fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.

14. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.

15. Caterpallor (n.): The color you turn after finding half a grub in the fruit you're eating.




And the pick of the literature:


16. Ignoranus (n): A person who's both stupid and an [nocando]!

<img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" />

Taser Classic...don't tell me you can read this without laughing...



(Only a guy would do this!) A guy who purchased his lovely wife a pocket Taser for their anniversary submitted this :

Last weekend at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop I was looking for a little
something extra for my wife Toni. What I came across was a 100,000-volt
pocket/purse-sized taser. The effects of the taser were supposed to be short
lived, with no long-term adverse affect on an assailant. The idea is to
allow my wife -- who would never consider a gun --adequate time to retreat to
safety.
WAY TOO COOL!!

Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded in
two triple-a batteries and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed. But
then I read (yes, 'read') that if I pushed the button AND pressed it against a
metal surface at the same time; I'd get the blue arch of electricity darting back
and forth between the prongs and I'd know it was working.

Awesome!!! (Actually, I have yet to explain to Toni what that burn spot
is on the face of her microwave). Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy,
thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-a
batteries, right?!! There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on
intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and
thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh and blood moving
target.
I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and
thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give
this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some
assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong?

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading
glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and
taser in another. The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and
disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle
spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish
out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the
batteries.

So, I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to
one side as to say, "don't do it," reasoning that a one-second burst from such a
tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad. I decided to give myself a
one-second burst just for the heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked
thigh, pushed the button, and HOLY MOTHER OF GOD, WEAPONS OF MASS
DESTRUCTION @!
@$$!%!@*!!!

I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me up
in the recliner, and body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over
again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with
tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be
found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and
tingling in my legs.

You should know, if you ever feel compelled to "mug" yourself with a
taser, that there is no such thing as a one-second burst when you zap yourself. You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a
violent thrashing about on the floor. SON-OF-A-... that hurt like hell!!! A minute
or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I
collected what little wits I had left, sat up and surveyed the landscape. My
bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. How did they end
up there??? My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My
face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I'm still looking for my testicles!! I'm offering a significant reward for their safe
return.

Still in shock, Earl

<img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" />