I don't understand the hirelings feature. Why are they premade characters? Lame premade characters with no history, personality or any meat on their bones at that.

That's entirely different from making a new character from scratch. Then you come up with their history, personality and name. They are your characters. Who wants to edit Sir Fuzzlump instead of creating their own Wizard?

At this point, I think Larian simply doesn't get why making a character in D&D is important. Not just important, but the most important thing. First the emphasis on their own origin characters over the PC, and now this.