Originally Posted by Ametris
It's a great dilemma indeed, but I find the psychological aspect even more fascinating. As remorseful as he feels about his unwilling actions, it seems to me that he's still more worried about what it means for him personally, and how it all makes him remember his years of anguish. He says looking at the spawn reminds him of his own pitiful state and he loathes that feeling of powerlessness. He desperately wants to leave his past behind. For the first time he has the freedom to do something about it. If he doesn't help the spawn, then he becomes complicit in Cazador's cruelty and can be likened to him. He hates him, but also doesn't want to be compared to him.

I've been thinking about where Astarion's self-loathing comes from, "you're humiliating yourself by staying with him." Perhaps it was based on that hateful feeling of powerlessness. Even though he's ascended now, that feeling has been with him for too long - two hundred years. And his painful self-perception, his self-esteem issues may be based on that. His narcissism about his own appearance seems charming (I bring him to mirrors all the time), but this fixation on appearance is the flip side of his rejection of himself as a person. Even during the night with him after the Ascension, he presents his body as a reward (during the first night as a gift). Perhaps he despises himself for behaving like the hated Cazador. You have correctly pointed out that comparison with him is a sore subject.

Having given up the ritual Astarion realizes that he is better than Cazador, that he is the only one who could break the "vampire ouroboros". But everything else is the pathetic state of a spawn, powerless against many aspects of the world - sun, running water, hunger. Rejected by this world, he is "other", he is an "outcast", and "they" despise him. Which his ending vividly illustrates. He clings to Tav as the only one who cares about him, and the only one he cares about. But he can't escape the suspicion that she sees him the same way everyone else does, that she just feels sorry for him.

Ascended knows he's better than Cazador as a vampire, he destroyed Cazador and ascended. But morally, he did to the other spawn what he wanted Cazador to do to him. Perhaps that will stay with him forever. But now he is overwhelmed with power. Astarion's place in this world is a throne marked 'for the evil ones only', but it is the throne of the Vampire Lord.

Originally Posted by Ametris
It's a moment of realisation of his own darkness and capabilities. Does he accept or reject this side of himself? If he ascends and you call him a tyrant after becoming his spawn, he will agree ('Precisely!') and tell Tav that he's not ashamed. I remember hearing a line somewhere that to truly know oneself is to suffer pain from someone but to also inflict it on another. Also, that to truly love oneself and become whole is to embrace everything within, including the ugliest parts, which requires delving into one's deepest darkness first. It's a process of integrating the shadow self. Notice how when you approach Cazador, he calls Astarion imperfect. When you become a MF and AA breaks up with you, he will admit that you'd helped him achieve perfection.

I really enjoyed this. Realizing that the feelings Astarion is having right now are an important part of his self-determination process. But far from the final part.

One life, one love - until the world falls down.