The fact that you think someone must be willing to sacrifice their people, abandon their beliefs, and even die in order for their love for you to count is genuinely terrifying. I hope you talk through these issues with your therapist and work on developing the ability to view other people as autonomous beings and relationships as complex and diverse.
Really? Imagine your wife has been deeply loyal to her people and country since birth - willing to die to protect both. But it's Nazi Germany, and it was recently announced that Jews are arch enemies. Now imagine you are her Jewish husband. What should she choose: report you to the Gestapo as an enemy of the German people, or hide you, risk her life, and become an enemy of the very state she's devoted to? Ask your therapist which choice in this case represents true loyalty to a loved person.
The insinuation here, is that you believe that love only counts if the person will simply drop all of their prior beliefs at the drop of a hat in favour of you.
When even in this scenario, it's a lot more complicated. Since your wife was loyal to Germany, but then the German government was upended when the Nazi party rose to power. It wasn't a case of your wife being a loyal Nazi for her whole life and then suddenly out of the blue they dropped the anti-semetism. No, it was a massive shift in the political climate during a very short period of time that dramatically changed the country.
Then of course, we have the notion of "Wife and Husband" - Signifying a relationship that has matured, usually over a long time. With an expression of devotion from a marriage ceremony. (Though this is complex as women were pressured into early marriage during this time period due to only men being allowed to partake in jobs that paid well enough to support owning a home). Whereas, in BG3, we're talking a very short scale of time. A relationship that has lasted at most a month. Thus will not have much time to become anywhere near as deep as a long term relationship (On top of being with people who mostly have massive hangups about relationships too... Lae'zel being a Gith and not respecting the notion of relationships, Astarion being messed up from centuries of abuse, Shadowheart being literally brainwashed by a literal cult, Gale being on the rebound from a failed relationship, Karlach facing the issue of her infernal engine heart making her only able to live in Avernus).
Finally, we have the complexity that is loyalty and love. In this scenario, we have the wife wanting to protect their husband out of love. On the other hand the husband may want to protect their wife out of love and will want them to report him so that she will be safe. In the latter case, the wife is still showing loyalty to her husband by honouring his wishes and reporting him, allowing himself to sacrifice to keep her safe.
Love and loyalty are very multi-faceted emotions. Made even more messy by the fact that these emotions can be felt for multiple things at once (Especially true in the case of relationships that include children)
