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#342990 18/01/07 03:03 PM
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I'm working on a short comic strip story which I hope to get published - I'm basically looking for some constructive criticism, and as I trust the people here I think I could receive some useful feedback. What works, what doesn't.

Anyway if you have a moment why not take a look.

Wait a min for the pdf to download - and you may need to copy/paste the link also rather than click.

The Docks - Sample

If link doesn't work:

http://www.freewebs.com/plowking/TheDocks_sample_WIP.pdf

Thanks
G

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Plowie, I tried to go there but it took an awful long time to load (after 5 minutes it was only on 50%) maybe my dsl connection from Australia ... however I will give it another try tomorrow night <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/winkwink.gif" alt="" />


Mea Culpa's Demesne Note; artwork for Avatar courtesy of NWN and CEP Old Elven Saying: "Never say Never if you're gonna live forever!!!" "I didn't do it, it wasn't my fault"
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i was in the computer lab at college and bored out of my mind waiting for my CIT 222 class to start while streaming my local rock radio station

and it downloaded fine
um i check it out
i liked it....was kinda short though
you might want to try and get feed back on others that draw comics too
if your looking for something else
but looks nice good job


This is SpArTa!! oh im sorry, I must have took a wrong turn..somewhere...(runs away)
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Cool thanks...

It's purposely short as as that's a requirement if considered for publication.

Also, it's not finished - 2 pages to go!

I tried registering on the only site I found that allows uploading of comic pages for people to comment on, but an admin needs to activate the account which they haven't done yet after months.

Oh the PDF file is 1.9 megs in size so shouldn't take to long to load, but its a slow webhost (free) so it can look like nothing is happening for a minute.

But 5 mins is a long time, it's usually not that slow.

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It's quite good, I can't tell much from what I've read. It's still building up the story.

Some comments I can give are
- it's a bit overwhelming, I'ts like a book where you need to return several pages to follow the plot once and a while. Can't really say what comes afterwards, but you might break it up a bit what you've got now. Introduce the characters and history little slower with some some descriptions of irrelevant details, so your readers know the charaters better/

- Also specify a date/time when the Marsh family was murdered or at least their bodies discovered. Now it's quite hard to understand the impact the picture of the hand had. Did he receive it before the bodies of the marsh family were found? Long before? or after?

- Graphical I see some, not much anatomic flaws. No real problem, just something I spot easely (did my part of human sketching etc when I was young)


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I liked it, but im no pro.

Seemed like it just building up.



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Some comments I can give are
- it's a bit overwhelming, I'ts like a book where you need to return several pages to follow the plot once and a while. Can't really say what comes afterwards, but you might break it up a bit what you've got now. Introduce the characters and history little slower with some some descriptions of irrelevant details, so your readers know the charaters better/

[color:"orange"] It's mainly a short story where the mood and events take precedence over characterisation - I tried to convey that the reader 'gets' the motive for the characters actions by understanding the nature of someone in that position. Ex-cop following up a 7 year old lead on something he'd didn't want to resurface.

Maybe I was playing safe...he can't be out of character if you're to assume by lack of direct information he would probably act in that given way. In any event, the circumstances of the story drive the actions of character, so I felt it wasn't prudent to give too much background information unless it had a direct influence on a choice made by the character - elsewise a reader may wonder why I mentioned an irrelevant detail.

You've given me a lot to think about though... <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/biggrin.gif" alt="" /> [/color]

- Also specify a date/time when the Marsh family was murdered or at least their bodies discovered. Now it's quite hard to understand the impact the picture of the hand had. Did he receive it before the bodies of the marsh family were found? Long before? or after?

[color:"orange"] The chronological order is mentioned in all of the text, starting in October 1926, narration then says 2 weeks earlier when the bodies where found, then talk of the symbol on the hand. He saw it before - he jumps 7 years prior to when he was a police officer and encoutered the symbol on the book and it effected him badly - then in present tense narrative 2 weeks ago he got the photographs of the murders with the picture of the hand and symbol.

And...yes, probably confusing - I toyed with the idea of exact dates, but felt emphasis on dates wasn't important, and so adding them mis-lead the reader into thinking about them - I was probably wrong. I'll await more feedback and see what impact arises.[/color]

- Graphical I see some, not much anatomic flaws. No real problem, just something I spot easely (did my part of human sketching etc when I was young)
[color:"orange"] Definitely...I see them too, often only after viewing again the next day - desire to finish the story as a whole before making corrections has lead to some of those errors. Some wont be fixed. I'd love if you could briefly point out areas that dont look right to you.
Though some are 'style' choices as opposed to trying to make perfect looking poses.

Thanks again [/color] <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/biggrin.gif" alt="" />

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Nice work. Like Lews, I'm no pro at this sort of thing (I actually haven't even read a real noir comic before) but from what I've collected from other noir style things, your aim seems well on. <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/delight.gif" alt="" />

Keep at it, and I know from experiance that with anything (drawing, writing, etc.), the more you go at it, the more your style evolves and improves. Especially the more you expose it to others.

Hope to see some cool stuff from you in the future. <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/wave.gif" alt="" />

Killerzzz


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you still have a long way to go before you can try to get something published.

keep drawing, mate


EDIT
I recommend you go to www.conceptart.org - the biggest and most friendly forum for artists of all sorts - amateurs, pros, young, old, comics, 3D, paintings. register there, post in the right forum, and brace yourself - they are friendly but true, and taking critiques on your own art is something everybody has to get used to.

Last edited by Wazzz; 19/01/07 10:07 AM.
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Great stuff, thanks all.

Oh and when I say published I just mean in a fanzine - small publications that I wouldn't get payment for.

It's my first attempt so going to try and shape into something better.

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LOL I enjoyed it, reminded me somewhat of a Mickey Spillane Detective Novel, particularly with the 1st person perspective.

Adding it all up I can not find anything else to say(aside from what has been said before) except it is a very promising start, and I think that the fanzine will jump at the chance to continue the story .... Heck, even I want to know what's gonna happen with our despondent Detective <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />


Mea Culpa's Demesne Note; artwork for Avatar courtesy of NWN and CEP Old Elven Saying: "Never say Never if you're gonna live forever!!!" "I didn't do it, it wasn't my fault"
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Looking nice, I enjoyed it hehe.

by the way, I made a mirror , cause I found that freewebs kinda slow.

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I've made you a small sketch of a human (female) back. In your drawings of the dead wife it's seems all so wrong, so here:
[Linked Image]


It's one of these days...
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Quote
I've made you a small sketch of a human (female) back. In your drawings of the dead wife it's seems all so wrong, so here:
[Linked Image]


Excellent - cheers.

I'm learning as I go so I'll be going back over stuff and correcting.

You should have seen the first draft!! Shocking... <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />

I also found some figure tutorials on the conceptart.org website that was recommended to me.

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That was pretty good so far. With the creature in the lake, and the city of Arkham, I take it this is in the Cthulu mythos? Either way, I enjoyed reading it and can't wait to read some more.

Speaking of which, when is the rest coming out? <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

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Cheers!

Another page of frantic scribbling done...

http://www.freewebs.com/plowking/page07_small.jpg


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Oo Oi! keep it coming plowy ..... I am totally entranced <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/up.gif" alt="" />


Mea Culpa's Demesne Note; artwork for Avatar courtesy of NWN and CEP Old Elven Saying: "Never say Never if you're gonna live forever!!!" "I didn't do it, it wasn't my fault"
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Oo Oi! keep it coming plowy ..... I am totally entranced <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/up.gif" alt="" />


Thank you! <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/biggrin.gif" alt="" />

Working on the final page now... <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/winkwink.gif" alt="" />

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wow, i love how u draw those panels, Plowie! especially the bottom with that lamp on the foreground, it just looks so cool! <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />



......a gift from LaFille......
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Thanks for your comments - I've gone all warm and fuzzy inside!!

So as a special treat, here's the last page...hope you like!

http://www.freewebs.com/plowking/page08_small.jpg



And here's the full strip in PDF (3.6 megs)





The Docks

I didn't have the time I needed to go back and correct earlier mistakes - well I will, but this is the version that's getting published, as the deadline was today.

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