Larian Studios Forums General Chat Chat (Anything) did we do jokes already?

Oops... <shudders>

Okay, I can accept that you want to waive your right to the truth in this instance. All I see here is a man making the tactical error of believing he could retain muscle control while using on himself a weapon designed to deprive its victims of muscle control.

After every flight, Qantas pilots fill out a form, called a "Gripe Sheet" which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft.
The mechanics correct the problems; document their repairs on the form, and then pilots review the Gripe Sheets before the next flight.

(Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humour).

Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by Qantas' pilots (marked with a P) and the solutions recorded (marked with an S) by maintenance engineers.

By the way, Qantas is the only major airline that has never, ever, had an accident.

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute Descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.


P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what friction locks are for.

P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny . (I love this one!)
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.

And the best one for last.

P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget ....... <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" />

You still got it, Jurak <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/biggrin.gif" alt="" />.

Übereil

<img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/wave.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/silly.gif" alt="" /> thanks!

A young woman had been taking golf lessons.

She had just started playing her first round
f golf when she suffered a bee sting.

Her pain was so intense that she decided to
return to the clubhouse for help and to complain.

Her golf pro saw her come into the clubhouse
And asked, "Why are you back in so early?

What's wrong?" "I was stung by a bee", she said.

"Where", he asked.

"Between the first and second hole", she replied.

He nodded knowingly and said, "Then your
Stance is too wide." <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/biggrin.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/biggrin.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/biggrin.gif" alt="" />

Elder Sex





may the wind always be in your sails



An elderly couple, who were both widowed, had been

going out with each other for a long time.



Urged on by their friends, they decided it was

finally time to get married.



Before the wedding, they went out to dinner and had a long conversation regarding how their marriage might work.



They discussed finances, living arrangements and so

on.



Finally, the old gentleman decided it was time to

broach the subject of their physical relationship.



"How do you feel about sex?" he asked, rather

trustingly. "



Well," she said, responding very carefully, "I'd have to say, I would like it infrequently."



The old gentleman sat quietly for a moment, then,

looking over his glasses, he casually asked,



"Is that one word or two?"


<img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/biggrin.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/biggrin.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/biggrin.gif" alt="" />

Rofl. <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> I had to re- read it to get it, lol.

9 WORDS WOMEN USE

1. Fine: This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.

2. Five Minutes: If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.

3. Nothing: This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in fine.

4. Go Ahead: This is a dare, not permission. Don't Do It!

5. Loud Sigh: This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing. (Refer back to #3 for the meaning of nothing.)

6. That's Okay: This is one of the most dangerous statements a women can make to a man. That's okay means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.

7. Thanks: A woman is thanking you, do not question, or Faint. Just say you're welcome.

8. Whatever: Is a women's way of saying [email]F@!K[/email] YOU!

9. Don't worry about it, I got it: Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking "What's wrong?" For the woman's response refer to #3.

LOL ! <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/biggrin.gif" alt="" />

Hmmm... I'm a woman. Should I say: "Whatever" in reply to your post? <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/biggrin.gif" alt="" />

Raito, don't worry about it, I got it <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/evilgrin1.gif" alt="" />

Whatever... you want dear! <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/biggrin.gif" alt="" />

<img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /> That's it!!! I'm aiming low... and none of you are going to stop me. <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/memad.gif" alt="" />

Come on Raito, you know where it's coming from right? <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/biggrin.gif" alt="" /> Don't aim low when you're fighting our dearest Orc friend, just borrow an elven arrow from me and poke him with that, orcs can't coop with elven stuff <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/evilgrin1.gif" alt="" />

Rialto Relax, for someone who's adept , your not being very....

Hi Gal, <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/kissyou.gif" alt="" /> O.K. here's a joke you may like then... even you Rialto... he he

Desert Crossing


A Nun and a Priest were crossing the Sahara Desert on a
camel. On the third day out, the camel suddenly dropped
dead without warning.

After dusting themselves off, the Nun and the Priest
surveyed their situation. After a long period of silence,
the Priest spoke. "Well, Sister, this looks pretty grim."

"I know, Father. In fact, I don't think it likely that we
can survive more than a day or two."

"I agree," says the Father. 'Sister, since we are unlikely
to make it out of here alive, would you do something for me?"

"Anything, Father." "I have never seen a woman's breasts and I was wondering if I might see yours."

"Well, under the circumstances I don't see that it would do any harm." The Nun opened her habit and the Priest enjoyed the sight of her shapely breasts, commenting frequently on their beauty. "Sister, would you mind if I touched them?" She consented and he fondled them for several minutes.

"Father, could I ask something of you?" "Yes, Sister?"
"I have never seen a man's penis. Could I see yours?"
"I suppose that would be OK," the Priest replied lifting his robe.

"Oh Father, may I touch it?" The priest consented and after a few minutes of fondling he was sporting a huge erection.

"Sister, you know that if I insert my penis in the right place, it can give life." "Is that true Father?"

"Yes, it is, Sister."

"Oh Father, that's wonderful ... stick it in the camel and let's get the hell out of here!"

<img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" />

<img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/hug.gif" alt="" /> to ALL my friends here! <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/alien.gif" alt="" />

Now... <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/winkwink.gif" alt="" />
should i go search out some really good blonde jokes? <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" />

blonde jokes later..... this one's for everybody, if you can handle it! <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/winkwink.gif" alt="" />

Eight Words with two Meanings



1. THINGY (thing-ee) n.

Female...... Any part under a car's hood.

Male..... The strap fastener on a woman's bra.

2. VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.

Female.... Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another.

Male.... Playing football without a cup.

3. COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n.

Female... The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner.

Male... Leaving a note before taking off on a fishing trip with the boys.

4. COMMITMENT (ko-mit- ment) n.

Female.... A desire to get married and raise a family.

Male...... Trying not to hit on other women while out with this one.

5. ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n.

Female.... A good movie, concert, play or book.

Male...... Anything that can be done while drinking beer.

6. FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n.

Female.... An embarrassing byproduct of indigestion.

Male...... A source of entertainment, self-expression, male bonding.

7 MAKING LOVE (may-king luv) n.

Female...... The greatest expression of intimacy a couple can achieve.

Male.. Call it whatever you want, just as long as we do it.

8. REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n.

Female.... A device for changing from one TV channel to another.

Male... A device for scanning through all 375 channels every 5 minutes.

AND;

He said . I don't know why you wear a bra; you've got nothing to put in it.

She said . . You wear pants don't you?

He said . . .... Shall we try swapping positions tonight?

She said That's a good idea - you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa and fart!

He said ... What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you?

She said .Turn sideways and look in the mirror!

He said .... Why don't women blink during foreplay?

She said . They don't have time !

He said . . How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?

She said . We don't know; it has never happened.

She said . . Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and Good- looking?

He said ..... . . They already have boyfriends.

She said...What do you call a women who knows where her husband is every night?

He said . . A widow.

He said .. Why are married women heavier than single women?

She said . . Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed. Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge.

OOOOOOh I'm a nasty man, it feels so good to do this on Valentine's Day, ...
ha ha ha ha..... O.K. <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/suspicion.gif" alt="" />


so I'm a bit bitter........ <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" />

<img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" /> Great stuff! <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/biggrin.gif" alt="" />