Larian Studios Forums General Chat ! -->JOKES<-- ;P

Propheet's illfamous jokes, part 1

<img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/alien.gif" alt="" />----->NPC's in questions and answers:

Kistandalius:

Q:Ever wondered why he is wearing jesters hat?
A:And have you seen his prices?

El'Gammon:

Q:What is the last fake item to be bought from him?
A:It is his tongue. (trader's tongue)
Q:So why he still can talk?
A:As I said, it's just as fake, as the previous ones.

Corinna the Summoner:

Q:Why was Corinna unable to control the demon she summoned?
A:She didn't follow the Ragons advice to eat all of her straw hat. Oh, yeah, and she forgot to put a tomato at the tip of her head; as you can see in her avatar, she has put there a bunch of grapes instead.

Q:Ok, so I made it to get this branch, wine and the book. Is there anything else I can do, to summon a demon?
A:Yes; try the Archmages Ragons advice. Go to nearest grocery to buy tomatoes. Straw hat can be found in Departament Store. If you are to lazy to actually go there, try hex editing your position...:P

Merchant Blake:

Q:I read in a "Spoiler Quest Guide" that he is to be found in merchants area, but I still can't find him, so I can't solve the Nericon Garden quest...
A:It is the only guy that can't be pickpocketed. If you still have problems, even after you edited your save to get the maximum level of pickpocketing, try learning reading. To do this go to nearest nursery school. Again, if you are to lazy to move, try hex editing your position...

<img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/question.gif" alt="" />----> F.U.C.Q.(frequently unasked curiosal questions):

Q:I get the message screen that says: "Please put the divinity game cd in CD drive". What should I do?
A:
step 1: Remove coffee cup from the coffee cup tray.
step 2: put the mentioned cd FACE UP in the CD tray(if don't know where this is, refer to your coffee cup tray manufacturer for latest drivers and sugar/cream).
step 3: close the tray. Avoid using your leg, your sword or any of your guns to do so. This might cause losing your coffee tray's warranty.


Q:My game frequently crashes, and the game pace is !@#$#$% slow!!!
A:Buy a new computer.
A:If you are running Windows:
1)close all programs
2)in start menu choose "close system"
3)choose "restart in DOS mode"
4)type FORMAT C: and press [enter]
5)follow the instructions
6)press [ctrl]+[alt]+[delete]
7)install any Linux distribution.
8)forget about Divine Divinity, or use "Wine". This may make a slight improvement in game pace :P...


Q:What is the silliest death in the game?
A:Summon a 1st level skeleton("skeltington"), then use any of the statues to transform yourself.

Q:Why pressing alt+tab is malfunctioning?
A:You didn't install your pirated version of the game correctly;) if you did, then your computer should've blown up.
A:You forgot to switch your PC off. Pressing the keys THEN is perfectly OK.
A:This is not Diablo. IF you purchased this game as Diablo, contact your coffee cup tray manufacturer, as we told you 2 questions earlier.

Q:What is the latest patch to the game?
A:1.34; if you still discover a lot of bugs, :divinity: proposes all-new anti-bug engine, called "Did It Erself By Userz Gunz" (D.I.E. B.U.G.); to activate it see "Larian Armor Quest"

Q:What is...
A:Stop asking these silly questions!!! Ask Raze, Lynn, or anyone else...

<img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/sad.gif" alt="" />---->Known game BUGZ:

1) Infinite Loop
2) Not Activated
3) Out of Range


<img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/up.gif" alt="" />---->now, the "Bash the kitty" threads quote:
(by Janggut)


(Plowkings original, CD-Kiyas forum version)


(Plowkings recent update to a poem. A minute of silence as a tribute to DEAD kitties required. You may leave Your hats on, still...:P)


<img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/up.gif" alt="" />----> from the Spiders thread quote, about the size of spiders made in the game...:

by MSlynx (BTW, nice nick; sort of geneboosted OS hybrid, is it not?)

<img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/up.gif" alt="" />----> from the "Small Laugh" thread, about the inventory...:

by kejero
-----------------------------------------------------
PS.: Have any fine joke? Post it after...Let's have some fun, this game is INDEFINITELY worth it :P !!!


PPS.: Anybody have seen my doggie? signed: Timmie.:#
now, about this hat. If anybody, and I mean: reallly!!!! anybody should find nice bonnet, fork, spoon(which, of course, there is no...), pot etc.. please - put screenie herein...!

Guess we are in the wrong forum here, but...

Last words of Divinity chars. :

mhhh. I like tea...

Why did I gave this bloody axe to the orc, let´s get it back...

Josie, now you´ll die!...

pigs bring XP...

elite orcs are also only dumb orcs...



to be continued...

yup. nothing like old-styled in memoriam....:

"Now, where was that darn potio..."


"Otho, why did you put this roast pork receipt near your aaaargh..."

"No worries...You gain all mana and hitpoints back at the level up..."

"Why use this spellshield? I killed Josie plenty of times already..."

Well, our first F.U.C.Q.(frequently unasked curiosal questions). <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/biggrin.gif" alt="" />
<img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/up.gif" alt="" />
Very nice, but indeed, a bit misplaced in this section...

Q: Why is this post here, and not in chat or general section?

A: Because most of the important and funny people who play <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/div.gif" alt="" /> are bound to see this section more often than the other sections. and then laugh their heads off, so that they are unable to make any more spoilers....:)


(ehem, ehem...I know, I know....I shouldn't play on the ambition of folks here...but still, a piece of flattery is as good, as 5 socketed 380AC shield of the dragon is...)

Should we take Marians advice and move this thread Lynn? It is funny. LOL! Don't we already have 1 similar in anything?

Divinity Help desk, click here

Yep, Mslynx, you're correct.
Kiya

come on!!!
Can anybody give a hellpin( ;;; ) hand out here??? This is tragical!!! help desk is toooooooo funny for me!!! Got any spare ropes to hang on here? or everyone has already completed the Larian armor quest and had used the ropes out?????

i always suspect that i look like a joke.
now i know that my posts are jokes, thanks to propheet. <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/biggrin.gif" alt="" />

I once had a spoon (found it in the cursed Abbey) which had the "life absorb" spell or so.


In the Abbey, breakfast for everyone in the kitchen.

First Monk : "Ouch ! What was that ?"
Second Monk : "Oh, nothing, only a spoon of mine ...." <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/biggrin.gif" alt="" />

I still like my Kitchen Pot of Hell Spikes. I can just imagine little Timmy using it in a mock battle! <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/delight.gif" alt="" />

Hiya guys(and gurls:)!!
Now this is a bit embarassing, for the creator of the post to have to look it up in search, but that's what I had to do, when I came here;) LOL, THAT is a joke on your side this time....BTW, - Lynn, Kiya - your response to Marians and others idea to move it was so surprisingly quick....;)
Anyways, I've almost prepared the second part of DA JOKES, it is upcoming (for anyone who is interested) in a couple of days, this time I'm making fun of the skills in the game....How would you like to see "The way of economist" with glorious "Powers of commodity and budget" as well as "Alimental powers"???
coming up shortly, let me just hang myself out a bit (someone had this spare ropes, after all.....)

Lynn is a fast mod <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/evilgrin1.gif" alt="" />
Kiya

The old Kiya avatar is back i like...and i would like to say that my female warrior used a broom as a weapon for a long time because it reminded me of the old western housewife chasing chickens around with one...vrey funny

hey kiya, does this mean u're not nutty anymore? i miss the nutty u, though it was more recent than the bow-to-me-mortals drow.

<img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/offtopic.gif" alt="" /> what i found in bioware forum & it's the list of english subtitles used in Hong Kong kungfu movies. maybe winterfox can verify these.

1. I am damn unsatisfied to be killed in this way.
2. Fatty, you with your thick face have hurt my instep.
3. Gun wounds again?
4. Same old rules...no eyes, no groin.
5. A normal person wouldn't steal pituitaries.
6. Damn, I'll burn you into a BBQ chicken!
7. Take my advice, or I'll spank you without pants.
8. Who gave you the nerve to get killed here?
9. Quiet or I'll blow your throat up.
10. You always use violence. I should've ordered glutinous rice chicken.
11. I'll fire aimlessly if you don't come out!
12. You daring lousy guy.
13. Beat him out of recognizable shape!
14. I have been scared ***less too much lately.
15. I got knife scars more than the number of your leg hairs!
16. Beware! Your bones are going to be disconnected.
17. The bullets inside are very hot. Why do I feel so cold?
18. How can you use my intestines as a gift?
19. This will be of fine service for you, you bag of scum. I am sure you will not mind that I remove your manhoods and leave them out on the dessert flour for your aunts to eat.
20. Yah-hah, evil spider woman! I have captured you by the short rabbits and can now deliver you violently to your gynecologist for a thorough extermination.
21. Greetings, large black person. Let us not forget to form a team up together and go into the country to inflict the pain of our karate feets on some *** of the giant lizard person.
22. I am about to choke you like a chicken!

<img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/delight.gif" alt="" /> That's great! I'm passing that one around! <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/delight.gif" alt="" />

<img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/alien.gif" alt="" />Propheet's illfamous jokes, part 2

[color:"orange"]Yes folks, WE FINALLY DID IT!!! This is a *geniune* sneekpeek at what Riftrunner will offer as the spells are concerned!!! (read it, our major hackers worked tirelessly for weeks to get it, da%%mn guys from Larians jinxed the server, we lost our xp-crackers when internet firewall appeared to be something more than just a software obstacle...poor fellas... but we have it just below!!!, AND you don't have to join anywhere for free, WE PROMISE!!!) [/color]

-->WAY OF THE ECONOMIST<--
path: Alimental Powers

Meteor Strike - Casts your guild's will to heavens, to get no respond at all, then bring forth some meteors on strike, so that they picket and demonstrate for the raise.
level 1: upon protesting, each metor will do nothing until given a raise, or a promotion.
MANA COST: Never enough!

Alimental Strike - a coctail of alimental strikers and members of professional unions is hurled with petitions and ultimatums towards the boss, who is picketted, barricaded or voted against in parliament randomly.
MANA COST: More, more, more!!

path: Powers of summoning money

Vanish - Sends the money from your never paying boss directly into your wallet, where it(the bucks) should be.

transfer amounts of money(passive) - the vanishing money gets some of your abilities to form larger groups;)

Summon demonic accountant - summons an accountant of the demonic realm to help you in never ending battle with VAT, IVA, ICT and other income tax forms.
level 1: summon an honest dreadaccountant
level 2: summon money-wasting dreadaccountant
level 3: summon the professional in embezzlement and squandering
level 4: summon a dishonest dreadaccountant.

[color:"red"]->a word from our sponsor:
"Sword Enlargement pills - visit www.largeandindestructiblesword.com to join for only 9,95$ a month!!! don' forget to prepare your CC, just to check that your honourable deeds are still remembered"[/color]

path: Powers of commodity and budget

Buck leech - drain the purchasing force from your opponent and add it to your own reserves

Shopkeepers sight - use the power of economy to cast your view in the ares your greedy hands have yet to tread.

Restoration - Send your purchasing energy coursig thru your reins to restore your accounts after a fiscal year.

Howling curse - cast ethereal bills and cheques at your opponents and watch as they lose their posessions.
level 1: target loses one mobility at random
level 2: target loses immobility at random
level 3: target's wife/husband leaves him/her because of lack of mobilities and immobilities to live on.
level 4: target loses in the court to his/her wife/husband and gets to pay horrifying alliments forever.

Aura of banking - a bright, smart bunch of bank clerks protect the caster from all forms of economical attacks.

Fade from town - a powerful and useful villa in Switzerland, hiding in which will leave your debt-owners bemused.
Level 1: when activated, money is consumed at 1000 bucks a day(netto).

[color:"purple"]->a word from our sponsor:
"Hottest pix of Duke Janus and Elona exposed coming to your email weekly! put your e-mail,telephone number and address, and pray, that this is not considered children pornography... visit www.janusXXXelona.com/marian/private/galleryxxx.html "[/color]

path: Powers of Marketing

Telekinesis - discover the power to manipulate workers and send memos at a distance.
level 1: objects must be within 3 cubicles from the caster.

Advert discs - three vicious "Divine Divinity" promo' CDs bristling with adverts and pop-up banners, spiral outwards of the caster striking the unexpecting potential purchasers within range.

Pollymorph - transform your opponent into a harmless customer ready for marketing.
level 1: target must have at least 25% economy resist, or be turned into an old lady who has just received her pension.

Limbs of lead - Once cast, the smart-guy customers, who try to sneak out of your marketing range, are slowed down, and offered T-shirts and other gadgets that generally come for free, and told- today there's a special 200% raise, it's a BARGAIN!

[color:"blue"]->a word from our sponsor:
"Sword Enlargement pills - visit www.largeandindestructiblesword.com to join for only 9,95$ a month!!! call us on 1-801-DA BIG SLASHER almost toll free!"[/color]

path: Powers too dreadful to mention*

*(not available in the demo version!)

Divinity help desk - Cast your opponent into the realm without a way back - "the Divinity Help Desk" universe, where not one of his/her questions will be answered, and his/her frustration will lead to a suicide or a genocide. Only works on morons and munchkins.

Summon The Bean - Summon a dreadful and powerful jester, who will cause the target die from laughter.
MANA COST: 10.000 (you have to cheat to get him into business)

The Guarding Secretary - Summon a powerful woman to call off your meetings, slow down the guests or block the incoming fiscal controls.

level 1: Summon a young attractive dummy(some extra bonuses INCLUDED!!!-never visit Magdalena again).
level 2: Summon a roaring 30's lady, that will spend a lot of time on her hygiene and questioning you about whether she is fat).
level 3: Summon a spinster (your computer might crash if you are operating Windows, the burocracy level is WAY too high for the FAT or NTFS file systems)

<img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/exclamation.gif" alt="" />The Giant Kirills Flood - call to the netherlands and pray he will wake up to answer...otherwise, a giant flood will consume the land, causing havoc and destruction amongst your friends and foes.
tip: use empty honey jar to keep breathing. <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

[color:"green"]->a word from our sponsor:
"Sword Enlargement pills - visit www.largeandindestructiblesword.com to join for only 9,95$ a month!!! press [ctrl]+[d] to self-destruct in five seconds - this is your last chance to get a BIGGER peni...I mean, SWORD!"[/color]
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
all avatars are property of their respectful owners;) no offence meant, the Bean, I hope? ;-)

Once upon a time in Singapore, there lived a happy couple,
Mr. & Mrs. Ng with their 3 lovely daughters; Elaine, Ena & Ella.
The 3 daughters were brought up in a prim-and-proper way and
When they reached 20, they were still virgins. Years passed, and it
was Time to get them married.
So, the parents found them the most suitable "leng chais"
(handsome guys).
They got married and were preparing to set-off on their honeymoon.
As 'concerned' parents, Mr.& Mrs. Ng were curious about
their daughters' first-night experience. So, before the
daughters went on their respective honeymoons, Mrs. Ng told
them......" Your father and I want to know about your 1st night encounters
and whether you are satisfied.
Write a letter to us, but as not to raise your husbands'
curiosity...you all must use a code-name to describe your experiences".
So, the excited daughters were off.
A week passed. Mr. & Mrs. Ng got the first letter. It was from
Elaine. They opened the letter and found the word "STANDARD
CHARTERED."
They immediately took the newspaper and looked for the
Standard Chartered advertisement.
"Ah! here it is!", exclaimed Mr. Ng. The motto for Standard
Chartered was.... "BIG, STRONG & FRIENDLY"
Mr & Mrs. Ng were happy.
A week later, they got another letter. This time it was
from Ena. The content was simple. "NESCAFE". So, again they took the
newspaper and looked for the Nescafe ad. "Ah! here it is. 'NESCAFE:
PLEASURE TILL THE LAST DROP". Mr. & Mrs. Ng jumped in joy.
Another week passed. A month passed. And another. There
was still no letter from Ella. The Ngs became worried.
Finally, the letter came. It was scribbled and could
hardly be read, but Mrs. Ng managed to figure it out. The code-name
was "SINGAPORE AIRLINES".
Why Singapore Airlines? Mr.Ng rushed
to the nearest store and got a newspaper. He flipped the pages
frantically. "Ah! Here it is!"
Mrs. Ng grabbed the page and read aloud.
Before she could finish ...THUMP!!!...she fell off her
chair.
The motto was ..."7 TIMES A WEEK. 4 TO 6 TIMES A DAY. NON-STOP".

<img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/wave.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/biggrin.gif" alt="" />

Brilliant work of satyre ! <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/biggrin.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/up.gif" alt="" />

ehem, ehem....Did you mean my jokes, or the other peoples, or just a general comment??/
And how come all those generally fun-loving never-ceasing-to-jest people who visited this thread around 100 times by now don't comment, or post any of their own???
COME ON!!!
The fun-site of life (the fansite of life?) should always be promoted!!!!
Best regs, still hanging on that rope - Propheet

*Warning: Mature audiences only (Which means noone here will read it)*






For the third day running, Mr Benson has rung his boss and said he wont be in for work because he is very sick. His boss is getting a little worried and since Benson lives near him he decides to check on how he is doing on the way home. He goes to knock on the door and is surprised to find it is open, curious he enters and hears noises from the bedroom. Pushing open the door he sees Benson going hammer and tongs with a naked woman. There are sex toys and condoms strewn about and its obvious these two have been at it for some time. The boss is understandably furious and screams "BENSON! I THOUGHT YOU WERE VERY SICK!" to which he replies "I am, she's my mom!".

Ok! You can all draw and quarter me for that one <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/winkwink.gif" alt="" />

<img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/kitty.gif" alt="" />

<img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/alien.gif" alt="" />nice try... <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> LOL
but next time try to make it somehow Div or RR linked...;)

I see Sopie Ellis-Bexter has been found dead in a Parisean hotel, which was being used by the French national football team, yes, it was "Murder on Zidane's floor". <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ouch.gif" alt="" />

<img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/alien.gif" alt="" />And what does that suppose to mean?? huh???!!!
LOL?!

WARNING MATURE AUDIENCES ONLY, NO HATE INTEDED JUST FUN

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[color:"#9999CC"] A homo couple is having diner at a restaurant, suddenly Rick, the male in the couple says: "John, I have a pain in my anus, can you see if you can feel something?" they go to the restroom and rick unbuttons his pants. John, kneels and put his finger in Rick's anus, "Can't feel anything" he says. "Go deeper" says Rick. So John puts in his hand and sais: "still nothing". "even deeper" replies Rick. Now John puts whole his arm in Rick's anus, "i got something" ... "it's an golden watch???"

"HAPPY ANNAVERSARY!!" yells Rick.

<img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/winkwink.gif" alt="" />
[/color]

Hehe! That was awful! :P

*More warning type stuff*







Q: Two gay couples are living in a block of flats. A pair of men, and a pair of women. When the landlord finds out he kicks them all out. Who gets out first?

A: The gay men, their sh*ts already packed

Q: What do you never say in a gay bar?
A: May I push in your stool?



This has lots to do with DD and RR. Im still thinking of a reason. Get back to me.

<img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/kitty.gif" alt="" />

I like them 2 mandrake...a finger of fudge is just enough <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/up.gif" alt="" />

I actually knew a guy who packed chocolate fudge for a living! He could never tell people what exactly his job was!

Hehe! He was the cop in the Village People wasnt he?

<img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/winkwink.gif" alt="" />

<img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/kitty.gif" alt="" />

heres a classic from my childhood:

Have you heard Jan's toilet joke yet?

Is that the joke? (In which case I dont get it)

Or a we supposed to say "no"

<img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/kitty.gif" alt="" />

I'm with you on that one Mandrake, did he forget to write it??

yeah you're supposed to say "no"

Hehe! Ok! "NO". Is there more to this joke? <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

<img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/kitty.gif" alt="" />

<img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/alien.gif" alt="" /> eeeer....I think we're getting <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/offtopic.gif" alt="" /> here... You might or might not have noticed, but(for those chocolate packers and gay-joke lovers) this thread is designed for DIVINITY JOKES. Please refer to page one of this thread, and try to follow the general idea....Is this so much to ask??? Or do you people only know this fat outdated jerk-off* jokes?
no truly big offence meant (I just wanted to offend you slightly)
regs, PROPHEET

PS. Kiya! Your nice and soft humour would be much appreciated here... I saw some of yours at TDHd, why don't you post something <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/stupid.gif" alt="" /> but not !@#$%^^ vulgar!?

PPS. The third part of DA JOKES is coming along in a week. It conatins all of the dialogues with NPCs that are (the dialogues, I mean) well, a teensie weensie bit unusual.
-----------------------------
*this word is [no can do] ...

<img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/suspicion.gif" alt="" /> Ooops a daisy <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/cry.gif" alt="" />

<img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/alien.gif" alt="" /> Due to unfortunate circumstances beyond my will and immunity system I had to step out from the posting; now, after a monthly struggle for health I am back... Thanks to one nice person here, I now have the Morpheus font, to fulfill the promise I gave a long time ago- to make the tweaked dialogues from DD. I am truly sorry, especially, that now this thread moved from the first page, so not everyone remembers that jokes on DD have their thread already;) (meaning the new thread "Did we do jokes already? in chat:anything) <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/up.gif" alt="" />
Regs, Propheet®

<img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/think.gif" alt="" /> ummm, .... <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ouch.gif" alt="" /> ....oh uh, ... <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/shhh.gif" alt="" /> no, that's not it...

American journalism 101

First lesson, only use the facts. However you can word tham as you please to make a story.

Example:

Yesterday Meg and I was playing around, her ring bumped me on the skull (sounded wild )
I also went to the store, on the way back I saw a police car and waved. He didn't see me though.
Finally the cat was on my lap and slipped, leaving a little scratch on my leg.

Now these do not sound like a story, however using only the facts and arranging them however we want (just like the big news sites), we end up with this.

Yesterday Meg attacked her husband and hit him with her ring. He now has a 2 inch scratch. The police would not respond.