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Hello.
Today I've typed a lot of older works. Here they are :
Distant
I watch you from afar like a distant star See how your world bloomed and blossomed while mine’s turning into grey, fading away.
We could’ve been together - be one - but my way was hindered through pain and fear wrought to none.
I wish I could’ve told you so but my fear was greater than my strtength I wasn’t able to. Now I live lonely like an hermit dreaming of Love dreaming of how it could’ve been.
Longing for Love, I fade away.
(10.7.2005)
(Dedicated to someone I know.)
Annotations : The line „whilke mine’s turning into grey“ was in the original writing „while mine’s turning to grey“.
All Alone (Dedicated to all lonely people)
All alone ... We were broken hearts. Shattered around like broken glass. Lying around yearning for love, flying around, like leaves in the wind.
All alone ... we were broken hearts, Broken shards, broken glass. The loneliness is our damnation, We don’t know whether we will be free.
Broken glass, shattered shards, Could someone please put together these broken parts ? I’m yearning for love like the sleeper for spring. I’d like to see the futuire what it might bring.
Wishing for love.
(26.11.2003)
Annotations : In the original writing there was „leafes“ instead of „leaves“.
Poetry from the Darkness
I’ve lost my self, I’ve lost my time But I still know I’m here
I’ve lost my path I’ve lost my self I’ve lost my way I’ve lost my inner self
Who am I ?
Am I lost ?
- I am lost
my path has darkened.
I am lost but still I need
my friends, my relationships
as anchors to the light
Light ! - shining into Darkness
I’m lost , I’m lost
I’m struggling over my pathway. I don’t know what it will bring
I feel so lost without any ... But I still know : I am here at all I hope here at all.
(Written in Darkness 23.2.2005)
Annotations : Due to the fact that this text was written in darkness, some things remain uncertain, especially the building of lines and the separation between them.
There is a word after „shining into Darkness“ which remains rartially unreadable. It begins with „sp“ and the following letter could be an „r“ or an „a“. After that, there seem to be one or two letters which look like „le“. After that there is a clear „.“ .
The last lines are written over one another. the writing „I am here at all“ and „I hope here at all“ are written over one another in one line. I can only reconstruct the original meaning. It could also mean „I hope at all“ or simply „hope at all“, although the „I“ is the only distinct letter in this line.
The line „I feel so lost without any“ had in the original writing no „...“ . I added cthem because it makes more sense to me that way.
Lost Time
Fallen Spirit
Fallen into the Vengeance of ...
Lost. Lost without a dream ...
I seek healing. Rest for my soul. Love. No more painful memories.
On a day without rain.
Come to me, whisper to e, the secrets of time.
Part II
When I’m alone, I feel so lost
Lost without a trace No-one comes to me. (Nothing leads to me.)
Where am I ?
Part III
Am I real ?
Who am I ?
Who am I - that I’m lost ? Who am I - that I don’t find a friend ? Who am I - that no-one loves me, that there is no woman wishing to be with me ?
Where am I ?
Part IV
Only time ... Only time heals all wounds. But the scars remain - burning from the inside - cooled by the healing hands of time - from the outside.
Only time will tell ... - But I’ve made too many mistakes.
Too many mistakes ... - seems I’m damned.
Only time will heal me. Or love.
(24.6.2001)
Annotations :
This sheet of text looks very clean and thoughtful, unlike many other sheets of text. It looke like a thoughtful composition to me, which is rather rare.
„Fallen into the Vengeance of ...“ - a hint to a certain line in „Visions of Angels“ by Genesis. „On a day without rain...“ - hint towards Enya. „Come to me“ - hint towards Peter Gabriel’s „Come talk to me“. „Lost without a trace“ - common theme. „Only time ...“ - hint towards „Only time“ by Enya. „Only time will tell“ - hint towards Mike Oldfield’s „Songs of distant earth“.
Fallen
Many more have died there, too struggling on the path of wisdom.
- On the fight of technology over nature - Or was it simply exploration ? - They struggled, stumbled, fell and fell like fallen Angels - or Icarus The path of wisdom is dangerous as ever.
It might sound like justice - but we don’t know. a tale of lost ones, innocent searchers, Nature has reclaimed its source, And man’s boundaries are shown anew.
(For) We should learn from this lesson - that man alone is not safe - we must take care for ouselves, before we can think of exploring further territory.
- Or is this Being Part of Nature ? - deep within (,) humankind lies the heart to go yonder, - the wish to explore and to discover - - and risk one’s life, but not the other. We must take care of those who are helpless, of those, who are in danger.
Let us build a Stone for them, the unsung heroes of discovery, and scribble among them the names of long lost forgotten antique, mystical heroes.
(2.2.2003, 2.35 in the morning.)
Annotations.
This text has no explicite dedication, but in my memory it appears to me to be especially witten for the victims of the crash of the starship name „Discovery“. „Icarus“ is a hint towards „Too close to the Sun“ by the Alan Parsons Project Band of the album „On Air“. „Justice“ is a hint towards „So far away“ by the Alan Parsons Project Band of the album „On Air“, relating in the last two lines to the crash of the starship named „Challenger“. („The Challenger has fallen / and now the race has been run ...“ „To go yonder“ is a hint towards the song „Discovery“ by Chris de Burg. The „long lost forgotten“ (common phrase I use) heroes are meant to be those of antique texts - like the Odyssey, for example. „And scribble among them“ - meant are the names on that stone. Between the names of these heroes should be names of ancient heroes. The last lines are complicated because of several possible alternatives. I’ll list them here.
Now in the text :
„Let us build a Stone for them, the unsung heroes of discovery, and scribble among them the names of long lost forgotten antique, mystical heroes.“
Alternatives :
„mystical“ can be used instead of „mythical“ and vice versa; „long lost forgotten“ can be omitted.
Example :
„Let us build a Stone for them, the unsung heroes of discovery, and scribble among them the names of long lost forgotten antique, mythical heroes.“
Unbelievable (Unbelievable Incident)
Dedicated to the WTC and its victims.
Fast, fast, I’m coming to you Fast fast, faster than you can imagine.
I’m the terror of the world, The Terror of the innocent, I am the Terror who will break you down.
Fear me ! Because I am the terror and fright. Fear me ! I am the hero of the bloody night.
Shock and Horror are my food ! The weakness is my drink.
I will make your nightmares come true.
I will ride on the minds of my very own victims, Of those I have possessed the blood I will drink. I will eat out their brains.
Fanatism is my lair ! Money is my bed. Innocense is bad food for me.
II Relief, Licking the Wounds
Here we are, we’ve lost everything so far of our comfortable lives, of our comfortable lives.
Will we ever recover again ?
Who is to blame ? We don’t know. Who is to blame ? Soon we’ll know.
Our grief and anger will make us wiser again - for a horrible incredible unspeakable cost.
We must not give Warlord Terror a chance !
Let us be peaceful Guardians again , drying Warlord Terror out.
Licking our wounds we must not act stubborn, only peace can bring us peace, - but that’s an almost too hard way.
Now we are strong enough to fight back again, now we go back to what remains.
Let us pick our lives out of the ruins again, no more able to lead a normal life.
Withstand them !
(6.10.2001)
Annotations.
In the Dedication it reads in the original writing . „Dedicated to the WTC-Terror and its victims.“ Now that is stupid, because I wouldn’t want to paise the Warlord Terror himself. So I deleted the inappropriate word. What I originally meant, somehow, was the incident as such.
The original writing has a small variation :
„I will ride on the minds of my victims.“ This is the original version. „I will ride on the minds of my (very) own victims.“ This is the alternative, as written in the script.
„Fanatism is my lair, money my bed.“ This is the original script.
In the original writing, I had „Schock“ instead of „Shock“. They have the same meaning.
„For a horrible incredible cost“. - This line was originally to contain three words instead of two. However, at the time of writing, I couldn’t imagine a third word. I’ve corrected this now.
And now, for this first part of my collection, a positive sounding poem as the end. It is very calm.
I feel alife again (Partly 1)
Sitting on a bank the fresh morning-air around me filled with the smell of the plants around me - greeting the morning sun arising ascending from dawn
- I am almost alife again (I feel almost alife again.)
For the Future (Partly 2)
Sitting on a bank her hand is in mine the fresh air of the morning wuthering around me filled with the smell of her and the flowers aroumd me sensing her kiss on my skin - I feel alife again. - I am alife again.
(19.8.2001)
Annotations.
Original script as it is written down : „(arising) ascending from dawn“ . I assume this was meant by me to be an alternative sounding like : „arising from dawn“ or „acending from dawn“.
Original script as it is written down : „- I am alife again. - I feel alife again.“
However, an arrow definitively signs me that thse lines should be switched in the final version. Which I did.
When you find a big kettle of crazy, it's best not to stir it. --Dilbert cartoon
"Interplay.some zombiefied unlife thing going on there" - skavenhorde at RPGWatch
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Dear Alrik, how come you still have no editor? Your poems speak of such great feelings. It is like you opened your heart and all the pain, hurt and love flows out of it. My favo's are: Lost Time
Fallen Spirit
Fallen into the Vengeance of ...
Lost. Lost without a dream ...
I seek healing. Rest for my soul. Love. No more painful memories.
On a day without rain.
Come to me, whisper to e, the secrets of time. and Unbelievable (Unbelievable Incident)
Dedicated to the WTC and its victims.
Fast, fast, I’m coming to you Fast fast, faster than you can imagine.
I’m the terror of the world, The Terror of the innocent, I am the Terror who will break you down.
Fear me ! Because I am the terror and fright. Fear me ! I am the hero of the bloody night.
Shock and Horror are my food ! The weakness is my drink.
I will make your nightmares come true.
I will ride on the minds of my very own victims, Of those I have possessed the blood I will drink. I will eat out their brains.
Fanatism is my lair ! Money is my bed. Innocense is bad food for me. Thanks Alrik, to share your talents with us. <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/kissyou.gif" alt="" />
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Morning Hill
I stand on a hill High above the landscape I breath the air.
Wind is blowing through my hair around my ears through my clothes.
Wind blows here through the leaves of that tree and through the grass at my feet driving waves of pleasure through it
I breath the air what a wonderous sight ! I stand firm on the ground
Different smells are coming to me the scent of wild nature
blossoming flowers the smell of wet grass still glistening from the morning dew
the scent of fresh earth coming up from the fields saturated by water thazt was raining through the night
the cry of a buzzard the rustling of the leaves the gentle rush through the grass
I stand firm on that ground the world is bemeath me I touch the Earth
nothing camn shake me with the Earth on my feww I am strong my roots are going deep into this hill
I greet the morning sun arising red from the mist Mother Natre, here I am
mist of the morning quivering with wetness wuthering through the wet air
This World belongs to me I am a Child of Nature a wild child no-one can tame
I feel free and wild full of strength I stand above this waking world
I stand firm unbelievable strength wth Mother Earth baking me up
your touch surrounds me whispering greeting we are one
The sun is painting this world in a new light light of the morning everything wakes up..
This Earth
This One
.
(7.8.2005, 4.25 morning.)
When you find a big kettle of crazy, it's best not to stir it. --Dilbert cartoon
"Interplay.some zombiefied unlife thing going on there" - skavenhorde at RPGWatch
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THE TUNE (ABI-Zeitungs-Version)
I have seen the sun rising, I've heard it all in the tune. I've seen it again and again; I've heard it all in the tune.
I have seen the stars rising, Like starlight the music was (I heard); I've seen them again and again; I've heard it all in the tune.
I have seen the sun rising, I remembered I had heard it in the Tune before; I have seen it again and again, I have heard it in the Tune.
Annotations : The two first verses were written 1987 on a bike tour (with a group) in France, around the Atlantic Coast.
The last verse was written on October, 10th, 1990 in the House East Dene, in the village Bochurch near Ventnor on the Isle of Wight. This was the day after the German Unification. During this week and the ceremonies, me and my English learning class were living in that house. I almost instantly fell in love with East Dene, which is a wonderful place. Unfortunately it is located so near to the coast that parts of the garden have already begun slipping down. I hope it will be helped one day. House East Dene has been - as I found out afterwards - the home of a poet. Well, I I believed in reincarnation, I’d say this was me, because of the fact I fell in love with that house. <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/winkwink.gif" alt="" /> Unfortunately I don’t know any picture on the net showing the house. I would have to digitalise my old photos first. However, the *very* old church of Bonchurch and Ventnor itsellf rare on the net somewhere . I’ve seen pictures of both.
The Tune is the only piece of mine for which I developed a simple melody on guitar. I still have copies from that „Project time“, when I was trying to do so. If I could make a copy, I would be willing to send it out to whoever would like to hear it, but digitalizing would do as well, as long as someone tells me how to do it. <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/winkwink.gif" alt="" /> In the course of time, I wrote a few more parts of The Tune, variations of the main theme and a spin-off, so to say.
This version is kind of a compilation of my favourite parts of it : Verse 1-2 original, verse 3 from that part written on the Isle of Wight. This version was published in the so-called „Abi-Zeitung“, which means was produced during the finalization of the last year of my school time. The „Abitur“ is the last set of examinations before leaving school and if passed, it enables an individual to go to University. The „finalization“ is both a time of planning and developing kind of festivities by the classes of that year, and the exams before the final celebration. The English-learning class I mentioned above was one of the courses I was in : The Abitur consists of the 4 main courses in which the training is specially sophisticated, and the other courses. English was one of my main courses. The „Abi-Zeitung“ is kind of a newspaper developed by the members of that year’s classes and contains for example all funny saying of a person recorded by others, funny saying of teachers as well, and articles about their tours and main courses. It’s like the destillation of all these school years.
I was very proud to get some of my texts printed there. (Some are in GErman, so I won’t quote them here, unless translated, which is nearly impossible for two of them, because they primarily consist of word-games I cannot translate.
This is my most dearest work ever.
Shadowman (Typoscript Version)
Man without Shadow. Running through the night.
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You mustn’t see him, but when You’ll have to be afraid of your life. Will he come with a knive ? But he’ll kill you, when you’re unlucky, because you musn’t disturb Dr. Mabuse at his destroying the world. He has his helpers and accomplices everywhere; and so you must be careful that you don’t * meet him.
Annotations from the Typoscript Version : (* „don’t“ in the sense of „won’t“) (First ever written poem. It was written under the impression of the ‘Dr. Mabuse’ serial in TV. Written 1983 or 1984 but I think that 1984 is more right.)
Last edited by AlrikFassbauer; 22/01/06 08:40 PM.
When you find a big kettle of crazy, it's best not to stir it. --Dilbert cartoon
"Interplay.some zombiefied unlife thing going on there" - skavenhorde at RPGWatch
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Morning Hill is very beautiful, Al. it can really draw the image in my imagination. <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/up.gif" alt="" />
......a gift from LaFille......
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The Degradation of Man (Typoscript Version)
Part One (One’s Degrade)
I didn’t know how the story was I don’t know how it will be. I don’t know how the story (of my life) was I don’t know which way I will go.
Now I’m sitting here, thinking about what will be and what may be and what could be.
I’m feeling sad and depressed. Trying to count my hopes and dreams out. But the harder I think, But the harder I try to count I cannot find any !
But i know, there’s a hope (in sight).
Different dreams, Different hopes, Different talks, Different sights, Different ways, Different lies, And I know the truth; where I am and who I am And I know what I must do To get free. But will I ever get free ? Maybe someday I will know what life without depressions is like; Well, I can see a hope in sight ...
Part Two (Degrading myself)
Now I’m sitting here, Feeling sad, Feeling depressed, Feeling like nobody, And feeling like dirt (lying down on the streets).
Trying to count my hopes and dreams out; But the harder I think, the harder I try to count, I cannot find any !
Trying to count out my good sides and abilities, my skills and faculties; But the harder I think, The harder I try to count I cannot find any !
Do I really have any ?
I know that there must be some, ‘Cause everybody told me so often from ...
Part Three
I’ll never know Where I’m going to. I’ll never know Where I should go to.
You’ll never know What I feel. You’ll never know What I see.
Well, you’ll never know Where I am. You’ll never know How I feel, can’t you help me ?
Now I know I went the wrong way ...
If I had been another one (than I was) I would have done everything in another way than i did. If I were another one (than I am) I would do everything in another way Than I’ve done.
Now I know, I went the wrong way; Now I kinow what I should have done.
Part Four (Heartbreak)
Why did I go the wrong way ? Why was there no chance to go the right way ?
Why are there so many heartbreaks, I’ve got to get through ? Why was there no chance to be together with a girl-friend ?
And I want to know what it means to have a girl-friend; I want to know what it means to be together with a girl who loves me and wjhom I love, too I never knew what it means to have a girl-friend; I never knew what it means to be together with a girl who loves me and whom I love, too.
Because Do you know what you have done ? Do you know what you have done to me ? You never know, You never knew. Do you know what you have done to me ? Do you know what you have done to me, when I was young ? Do you know what you’ve been doing to me, when you laughed at me ? Do you all know what you have done ? You cannot judge what you have done to me (when I was young) !
If there’s no hope, no help, no love, I want to die. But if there’s any hope, any help, any love, I want to get it, I’ve got to get it or I cannot live.
Last Part
How could I go the right way ? Which way is it ? How could I know which way is the right way ? How will I know what I must do ? What must I do to go the right way ? How could I know
If there’s no hope, no help, no love, I want to die. If there’s any hope, any help, any love, I want to, I’ve got to get it or I cannot live.
Who am I ? I am somebody. But not always (...) .
Who am I ? I’m not nobody. But not always ... .
If there’s no hope, no help, no love, I want to die. If there’s any hope, any help, any love, I want to, I’ve got to get it Or I cannot live.
Cause I’ve got nothing left to lose, I’ve goit to go my way, No matter what they say.
Because there’s nothing left to lose, I’m going to go my way, No matter what they say.
Annotations of the typoscript-version of this work :
"Annotations to The Degradation of Man
- This "poem" was written 1986 or 1987. - It won a prize on the writing contest "Book Spring 1989". - It was performed two times as a kind of "song". Almost all of my works are thought to be "song texts". - Is is partially inspired by GENESIS:"DOMINO" (in Part Four). - It was written when I was in a very depressive mood. - Theoretically it can be expanded with many more parts - except the "Last Part"; that's why the last part isn't called "Part Five" but "Last Part" instead, because it should always be set at the end."
Further annotations.
This is by far the longest poem I have ever written. It is one of the works I'm proud of. At least because of the length. It has actually been performed in public in my school as a kind of improvised "song", without notes, just pure improvisation. Witnessing the second performance was one of the proudest moments in my wjhole life. <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> Unfortunately, I couldn't witness the first performance, because I was on travel with a school class, then. That was very sad, because that evening I was actually given the price without being able to literally hold it (it was a book with poems by Erich Fried.) There is another work of mine which won a price on a similar writing contest : "Masken" ("Masks"). That writing contest was held at my school in spring, therefore it was called "Book Spring" (in German, of course). It would go too far to call it a "national book day", but in fact it was a day (or at least a short time within Spring) when towns were propagating literature. This contest at my school was only one of many on different schools and in other places (if I recall correctly).
Style and Grammar are a mirror of my knowledge of the English language back then. I wasn't perfect back then (that doesn't mean I'm perfect today <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/winkwink.gif" alt="" /> ) that's why you can meet grammar mistakes there. Additionally it includes my technique "painting with words". I use - here as well - Words only because of their emotional content, and "paint" with them what I call "Emotion-Paintings". Since the emotional content is more important to me, then, it might well be that grammar mistakes or other kinds of mistakes appear. Under special circumstances this might even be done by purpose !
I think it was written 1986 or 1987, but it could also have been 1988 ... unfortunately I didn't write the date on every sheet while writing, then.
This work - and many others of that time - were inspired by songs of Genesis. This one was inspired by the two-part song "Domino" by Genesis.
About the title : The original title was "The Degrade of Man", but after asking my English teacher then about whether this was correct, he suggested "Degradation" instead of "Degrade". That's how the actual title arose.
The image imposed by "degradation" is that of a person degrading himself or herself - making himself small, unnoticed, unimportant, not worthy, in a lieeral sense like an officer who rips off his own badges and decorations and meddals because he sees / considers himself to be unworthy. Like in a Depression.
When you find a big kettle of crazy, it's best not to stir it. --Dilbert cartoon
"Interplay.some zombiefied unlife thing going on there" - skavenhorde at RPGWatch
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the Degradation work feels a bit too personal. it's no wonder since u poured so much of yourself into it; that is why it's no surprise that it won the writing contest.
Gal is right, Al. ever thought of putting your works into a book?
......a gift from LaFille......
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Yeah, sure, but I don't have the money yet.
When you find a big kettle of crazy, it's best not to stir it. --Dilbert cartoon
"Interplay.some zombiefied unlife thing going on there" - skavenhorde at RPGWatch
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stranger
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Poem 1: "I knew this nice girl, but I was afraid to ask her out. I lose."
Okay, I sympathise with you, man. But rather than writing bad poetry about it, why not tell yourself that, hey, the next time you see a girl you like, why not ask her out?
Poem 2: "I have no self esteem, yo"
I sympathise with you. But this the best place to adress this problem?
Poem 3: "Dude, where's my self esteem?"
Do something about it. Try to find something which makes you feel proud of yourself.
Poem 4: "Did I tell you how little self esteem I had? Oh, and by the way, I really like the word "lost""
I'm sorry, but your poetry is rather tragic, and not in a good way.
Poem 5: "I lost my self esteem. Or wait, did I ever have it?"
We rather got the message by now. And... Well, it's fine if you like to express your lack of self-esteem creatively -- but most people would, y'know, keep this a secret and not post it on the internet?
Poem 6: "Why won't women love me? Don't they know I have no self-esteem?"
Poem 7: "If I wait long enough, perhaps a woman will love me. And then I will have self-esteem."
Or how about working on the self-esteem bit first, and then women might, I don't know, feel more comfortable around you?
Poem 8: "Mankind is lost. So is my self-esteem."
The former is out of your control. The latter isn't. Please, find something which makes you feel better about yourself. Something which does not involve showcasing your lack of confidence to the world.
Poem 9: So utterly tasteless I won't even bother with it. Seriously... I am ashamed of having even seen it. Maybe you had good intentions with this, but don't you find it rather tacky to use such a tragedy to draw attention to your poetry?
To summarize my feelings about the poetry; please, man. Stop trying to showcase your self-pity, and get out into the world and actually do something about the problems you are facing in your life. If this does involve writing self-deprecating poetry about yourself, then at least keep it in a private diary, and don't post it on the internet for all to see.
Peace.
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Welcome to the forum reading orangutan
Poem 10: "Some people have too much of self esteem and maybe they would like to share it with the people who don't have enough self esteem"
Poem 11: "Maybe i don't like other people posts but i accept them without judging. It's called forum tolerance"
Poem 12: "A lot of great french writers wrote self-deprecating poetry, like Alfred de Musset, Charles Baudelaire, Arthur Rimbaud. Thanks god, they did not keep these poems in a private diary"
Peace
Barta
PS : What do you think about "Lost - saison 2" ? <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/silly.gif" alt="" />
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Poem 11: "Maybe i don't like other people posts but i accept them without judging. It's called forum tolerance" I feel free, within reason, to post what I think of people's posts. It's called having an opinion. Poem 12: "A lot of great french writers wrote self-deprecating poetry, like Alfred de Musset, Charles Baudelaire, Arthur Rimbaud. Thanks god, they did not keep these poems in a private diary" Yes, but ah, how to put it gently? The main difference is that those poets wrote well. Do you see where I'm coming from? PS : What do you think about "Lost - saison 2" ? <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/silly.gif" alt="" /> Apart from being unsure what that's got to do with anything, I don't watch Lost. It's "season," by the way.
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I feel free, within reason, to post what I think of people's posts. It's called having an opinion. Yep you're completely right. But sometimes the way someone gives his/her opinion can hurt the feelings of somebody else. PS : What do you think about "Lost - saison 2" ? <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/silly.gif" alt="" /> Apart from being unsure what that's got to do with anything, I don't watch Lost. It's "season," by the way. It was just a joke. I did not watch it too. BTW english is not my native language. I am french. I made a spelling mistake for "season" because in french it is "saison". Welcome again in the forum, it is always nice to meet new members, specially members interested by litterature and poetry. <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/XmasJump.gif" alt="" /> Barta
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veteran
Joined: Jun 2003
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hello & welcome, reading orangutan <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/wave.gif" alt="" />
hope u like the place & feel free to be yourself here. <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />
it is good that u express your opinion on things, however please give them accordingly as your opinion on the poems has gone beyond the poems themselves & somewhat comments that of the author's personal life. if u wish to discuss with the author regarding something personal, please do so in privacy so as to respect the author. one can always PM. <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />
as for comments for the poems themselves, i am sure the author welcomes any critique since that will help improve his writing.
......a gift from LaFille......
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stranger
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stranger
Joined: Mar 2006
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Oh, why not? Let's focus on a specific title. Dedicated to the WTC and its victims. Who would probably have preferred not to have badly written poetry dedicated to their memory. Poor things. Fast, fast, I’m coming to you Fast fast, faster than you can imagine. This is meaningless. What does speed have to do with anything? I’m the terror of the world, The Terror of the innocent, I am the Terror who will break you down. The repetitive use of "terror" is trite. Of course it's terrifying - a good poet should be able to select words that aren't so blunt and contain more linguistic subtlety. Find metaphors. Find, well, poetry because, despite its claim to the contrary, this isn't so much poetry as sentence fragments tossed out with random indentations. Fear me ! Because I am the terror and fright. Here's again the repetition with the most banal semantics imaginable. Fear me ! I am the hero of the bloody night. Uhhm. "Hero"? Shock and Horror are my food ! The weakness is my drink. Honey, you aren't writing in German. Drop it with the random capitalization. Your overuse of exclamation marks make the words look like they're being screeched at the top of one's lungs; the effect is about as pleasant as noises from a construction site. I will make your nightmares come true. About as original as butter on toast. I will ride on the minds of my very own victims, Of those I have possessed the blood I will drink. I will eat out their brains. So, the speaker is a vampire/illithid hybrid? Fanatism is my lair ! Money is my bed. Innocense is bad food for me. Except it's spelled "fanaticism" and "innocence." What dictionary are you using - Martian? Oh, and here again is where the verse makes no sense. What in blazes does money have to do with anything? "Innocence is bad food for me"? That's some of the most incompetently constructed sentence I've ever seen. Now, if you want to be shocking? Look to better poets and see how they do it. Here's an excerpt from an imagery considered shocking by critics from one of John Donne's Holy Sonnets: Batter my heart, three-person'd God ; for you As yet but knock ; breathe, shine, and seek to mend ; That I may rise, and stand, o'erthrow me, and bend Your force, to break, blow, burn, and make me new.
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Take me to you, imprison me, for I, Except you enthrall me, never shall be free, Nor ever chaste, except you ravish me. The poet's dealing with a crisis of faith, wherein he asks God to abuse and rape him so he can become "chaste." (Yes, really.) It's shocking because it's blasphemous, and the poem's full of contradictions (imprisonment for freedom, rape for chastity) and strong language (the poet implores God to burn and break him to pieces). That is the kind of poetic violence that works, or at least one of the many kinds. Blathering on and on about something that's abjectly obvious (oh noes! The WTC tragedy was horrifying! Uh, yeah. Tell us something we don't know already)... does not work so well. Oh, and though most modern poets don't give a damn about rhyming, good ones tend to give a damn about rhythm. This? No rhythm, just sentence fragments structured chaotically.
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veteran
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veteran
Joined: Jun 2003
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well at least that sounds more focused to the works & not the man.
how come u sound like someone i know? <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" /> u're not new to this forum, are u?
......a gift from LaFille......
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stranger
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stranger
Joined: Mar 2006
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Someone you know? That depends - did you play on a certain Lineage II freeshard?
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veteran
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veteran
Joined: Jun 2003
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Are you a female orangutan or a male orangutan ?
Barta
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stranger
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stranger
Joined: Mar 2006
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I'm an ambisexual one, of course. Neuter most of the year; switch to female for two months, male for one and a half.
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veteran
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OP
veteran
Joined: Mar 2003
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To summarize my feelings about the poetry; please, man. Stop trying to showcase your self-pity, and get out into the world and actually do something about the problems you are facing in your life. If this does involve writing self-deprecating poetry about yourself, then at least keep it in a private diary, and don't post it on the internet for all to see.
Peace. Hello, Librarian ! <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> It's nice to see someone ogf a related species. <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> I respect Librarians, since they know books - but do they think they need to know those who had written them, either ? <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> You forgot to see an essential part of this display : a) the term "archive" written in the topic's title b) the dates of the poems. <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> Some are now 20 years old. I wanted to show them as a sign of the evolution I had gone through. There were worse times than now. The poems I "archived" here are "snapshots" of my past activity, of my past mental state, and of my past creativity. I wanted to show them simply because of no other rason why artists generally show their works of art around, no matter how old they are. It's a matter of art, not something else. <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> This "archive project thrad" acts for me like a kind of museum. <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> In this exhitition you can see pieces of art for display, and use them - if you ish to do so - for you own inner discussion course. You are not allowed to use them in your own works, though. My goal in the display of these poems was to enlighten people and show them what kind of mental states are possible - and possible still out there. Tat I had perceived them means to me that others might be able to perceive them, too. <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> So, my goal was to make people sensitive towards the way people might think. Some might have - for example - more firmly layed out self-consciousmess, but others have not. My "lending hand" is for those who have not. Just today I've read a good book by Terry Pratchett - it's "Maskerade". It's not one of my favourirtes, but still interesting - if you read between the lines.Books by Terry Pratchett generally contain the double amount of content if you read between the lines, I once discovered. That can be very insightful ! <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> In Maskerade, for example, I learned a *lot* about masks - and what hey make of people. <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> I did not only learn the obviously visible things, I also learned what I perceived by reading between the lines. I came to some interesting conclusions about myself and about the world outsde - in internet forums, for example. <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> There are some things ahead of me, that must be done. And I think I'll take this additional knowledge into my own internal discussion course. <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> Alrik
When you find a big kettle of crazy, it's best not to stir it. --Dilbert cartoon
"Interplay.some zombiefied unlife thing going on there" - skavenhorde at RPGWatch
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veteran
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OP
veteran
Joined: Mar 2003
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Fast, fast, I’m coming to you Fast fast, faster than you can imagine. This is meaningless. What does speed have to do with anything? In the last days, I was almost a witness of two car accidents on what you might call a highway. I said "almost", because it obviously happened only few minutes or seconds before me. The point is, that without their speed, the car accidents wouldn've happened at all. The cars were simply too fast for their drivers to handle and they didn't notice. They still held the opinion - like millions of others - that they were still capable of that speed. The shape opf their cars proved them wrong. At this raw fractions of seconds when their cars went out of control, they must've realized that speed was important to anything. At least during that particular moment(s). Their accidents might've been single, rare incidents, but still they prove there *are* raw moments when speed does matter.
When you find a big kettle of crazy, it's best not to stir it. --Dilbert cartoon
"Interplay.some zombiefied unlife thing going on there" - skavenhorde at RPGWatch
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