Larian Studios Forums General Chat Chat (Anything) did we do jokes already?

*For the None knowing "New Zealanders (Kiwi's) tend to speak a real strange form of English, for instance when they are not feeling well they I feel Seck!

A Kiwi, was in Australia to watch an upcoming Rugby Test match, for which he had tickets.
He wasn't feeling well, so he decided to see a doctor.
"Hey doc, I dun't feel so good, ey" said Wiremu.
The doctor gave him a thorough examination and informed Wiremu that he
had long existing and advanced prostate problems and that the only cure was testicular removal.

"No way doc" replied Wiremu "I'm gitting a sicond opinion ey!"
The second Aussie doctor gave Wiremu the same diagnosis and also advised him that testicular removal was the only cure. Not surprisingly,he refused the treatment.
Wiremu was devastated, but with the rugby match just around the corner he found an expat Kiwi doctor working in Australia, and decided to get one last opinion from someone he could trust.
The Kiwi doctor examined him and said: "Wiremu Cuzzy Bro, you huv prostate suckness ey"
"What's the cure thin doc ?" asked Wiremu hoping for a different answer.
"Wull, Wiremu", said the Kiwi doctor "Wi're gonna huv to cut off your balls."
"Phew, thunk god for thut!" said Wiremu, "those Aussie bastards wanted to
take my test tickets off me!"

don't miss the handy hint at the very end.


Some bloke bought a new fridge for his house. To get rid of his old
fridge, he put it in his front yard and hung a sign on it saying "Free
to good home. You want it, you take it" For three days the fridge sat
there without even one person looking twice at it. He eventually decided
that people were too un-trusting of this deal. It looked to good to be
true, so he changed the sign to read: "Fridge for sale $50." The next
day someone stole it.
Caution, they walk among us


====================


I used to work in technical support for a 24/7 call centre.
One day I got a call from an individual who asked what hours the call
centre was open. I told him, "The number you dialled is open 24 hours a
Day, 7 days a week." He responded, "Is that Eastern or Central Time?"
Wanting to end the call quickly, I said, "Uh, Eastern" . .
They walk among us!

====================

My colleague and I were eating our lunch
in our cafeteria when we overheard one of the administrative assistants
talking about the sunburn she got on her weekend drive to the beach. She
drove down in a convertible, but "didn't think she'd get sunburned
because the car was moving". They walk among us!

====================

My sister has a lifesaving tool in her car it's designed to cut through a
seat belt if she gets trapped. She keeps it in the boot. They walk among
us!



====================

My friends and I were on a beer run and noticed that the cases were
discounted 10%. Since it was a big party, we bought 2 cases. The cashier
multiplied 2 times 10% and gave us a 20% discount.
They walk among us!

====================

I was hanging out with a friend when we saw a woman with a nose ring
attached to an earring by a chain. My friend said, "wouldn't the chain rip
out every time she turned her head?" I explained that a person's nose and
ear remain the same distance apart no matter which way the head is turned.
They walk among us!

====================

I couldn't find my luggage at the airport baggage area. So I went to the
lost luggage office and told the woman there that my bags never showed up.
She smiled and told me not to worry because she was a trained professional
and I was in good hands. "Now," she asked me, "has your plane arrived
yet?"... They walk among us!

====================

While working at a pizza parlour I observed a man ordering a small pizza
to

go. He appeared to be alone and the cook asked him if he would like it cut
into 4 pieces or 6. He thought about it for some time before responding.
"Just cut it into 4 pieces; I don't think I'm hungry enough to eat 6.
Yep, they walk among us! too.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------


Always keep several get-well cards on the mantle so, if unexpected
guests arrive, they will think you've been sick and unable to clean.

Good ones Mea, makes me forget my misery for a while! <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/hug.gif" alt="" />

Dearest Gal, never be Miserable! there are always worse things that could "HAVE" happened so count your fortune and say "what the H*ll" tomorrow is another better day <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/winkwink.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/kissyou.gif" alt="" />

You are very right! (damn, I hate that guy, he's always right!) <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/evilgrin1.gif" alt="" />
Kiss back <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/kissyou.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/hug.gif" alt="" />

Another joke??

[color:"orange"] A beautiful blonde lady stepped onto a plane going to L.A. and sat down in first class. The flight attendant proceeded to go around the airplane checking the ticket stubs of each passenger to make sure they were all in the right seats. When she got to the Blonde woman she noticed that it was for Coach seating, not first class. She tells the woman, "You're ticket says coach maam and we have a full flight today. I'm going to have to ask you to move." To which the blonde replies, "You don't understand, I'm blonde, beautiful, I'm going to L.A. and I'm getting there in first class." Confused, the stewardess gets her supervisor. Again, she tells the woman that she must move. Again, the blonde replies, "You don't understand, I'm blonde, beautiful, I'm going to L.A. and I'm getting there in first class." Also confused, they go get the captain. He tells the woman that she must move. The blonde starts to say, "You don't understand, I'm blonde, beautiful..." when he interrupts and asks, "Can I whisper something in your ear?" "Sure" she replies and he proceeds to whisper something in her ear. Suddenly she gets up and goes back to coach seating with a look of surprise on her face. The flight attendants are startled. "How did you get her to move?" "I told her that first class wasn't going to L.A."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A blonde walks into a doctor's office. She gets in the room with the doctor and says, "Doc, I hurt all over." The doctor is really confused. He says, "What do you mean, you hurt all over?" The blonde says, "I'll show you."

She then touches herself on her leg. "OW!!! I hurt there." Then she touches her earlobe. "OW!!!!!! I hurt there too!" Then she touches her hair. "OW!!!!! EVEN MY HAIR HURTS!" So the doctor sits back and thinks on it for 5 min. Then he says, "Tell me, is blonde your natural hair color?" The blonde says "Yes, why?"

The doctor says, "Well, you got a broken finger..."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and stops to entertain at a bar in a small town.

He's going through his usual run of stupid blonde jokes, when a large, blonde woman in the fourth row stands on her chair and says, "I've heard just about enough of your denigrating blond jokes! What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What does a person's physical attributes have to do with their worth as a human being?" The ventriloquist looks on in amazement.

"It's guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in my community," she continued,
"and of reaching my full potential as a person because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes but women at large... all in the name of humor."

Flustered, the ventriloquist begins to apologize. The blonde interjects, "You stay out of this, mister, I'm talking to that little [nocando] on your knee!"
[/color]
Enjoy <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/biggrin.gif" alt="" />

Too good Gal, specially the first one <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/winkwink.gif" alt="" />

How old is Grandpa???


Stay with this -- the answer is at the end. It will blow you away.

One evening a grandson was talking to his grandfather about current events.
The grandson asked his grandfather what he thought about the shootings at schools, the computer age, and just things in general.

The Grandfather replied, "Well, let me think a minute, I was born before:

' television

' penicillin

' polio shots

' frozen foods

' Xerox

' contact lenses

' Frisbees and

' the pill



There were no:

' credit cards

' laser beams or

' ball-point pens

Man had not invented:

' pantyhose

' air conditioners

' dishwashers

' clothes dryers

' and the clothes were hung out to dry in the fresh air and

' man hadn't yet walked on the moon




Your Grandmother and I got married first, . . . and then lived together.

Every family had a father and a mother.

Until I was 25, I called every man older than me, "Sir".
And after I turned 25, I still called policemen and every man with a title, "Sir."

We were before gay-rights, computer- dating, dual careers, daycare centers, and group therapy.

Our lives were governed by the Ten Commandments, good judgment, and common sense.

We were taught to know the difference between right and wrong and to stand up and take responsibility for our actions.

Serving your country was a privilege; living in this country was a bigger privilege.

We thought fast food was what people ate during Lent.

Having a meaningful relationship meant getting along with your cousins.

Draft dodgers were people who closed their front doors when the evening breeze started.

Time-sharing meant time the family spent together in the evenings and weekends-not purchasing condominiums.



We never heard of FM radios, tape decks, CDs, electric typewriters, yogurt, or guys wearing earrings.

We listened to the Big Bands, Jack Benny, and the President's speeches on our radios.

And I don't ever remember any kid blowing his brains out listening to Tommy Dorsey.

If you saw anything with 'Made in Japan ' on it, it was junk.

The term 'making out' referred to how you did on your school exam.

Pizza Hut, McDonald's, and instant coffee were unheard of.

We had 5 &10-cent stores where you could actually buy things for 5 and 10 cents.

Ice-cream cones, phone calls, rides on a streetcar, and a Pepsi were all a nickel.

And if you didn't want to splurge, you could spend your nickel on enough stamps to mail 1 letter and 2 postcards.

You could buy a new Chevy Coupe for $600, . . . but who could afford one?
Too bad, because gas was 11 cents a gallon.

In my day:

' "grass" was mowed,

' "coke" was a cold drink,

' "pot" was something your mother cooked in and

' "rock music" was your grandmother's lullaby.

' "Aids" were helpers in the Principal's office,

' " chip" meant a piece of wood,

' "hardware" was found in a hardware store and

' "software" wasn't even a word.



And we were the last generation to actually believe that a lady needed a husband to have a baby. No wonder people call us "old and confused" and say there is a generation gap... and how old do you think I am?

I bet you have this old man in mind...you are in for a shock!

Read on to see -- pretty scary if you think about it and pretty sad at the same time.




[color:"red"]This man would be only 59 years old [/color]

We have a totally different text, but with the same meaning circulating in Germany.

In a way, it's kind of sad, how complex the world has become.

I am 57, born in '48. I will be 58 later this year. Some of this is misleading and even untrue.



TV was widespread in the mid 50s, but had actually been around since the 30s I believe.

penicillin was used in WWII.

While polio shots were not in existence before I was born, as a child I was vaccinated against polio.

We never bought frozen food, but I remember it being around. A look at Birdseye confirms it has been around for awhile.

There are more examples, but I am getting tired of pointing them out.

However, I remember
slide rules
vinyl records
using a monstrous machine larger than a typewriter to calculate standard deviations


There

LOL Cleg and here I thought I was old :P however it doesn't really matter if it is true or not it is the entertaintment value <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/winkwink.gif" alt="" />
*******************************************************************************


A man was walking down the street when he was accosted by a
particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked him for a
couple of dollars for dinner.

The man took out his wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked, "If I give
you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead of dinner?"

"No, I had to stop drinking years ago," the homeless man replied.

"Will you use it to go fishing instead of buying food?" the man asked.

"No, I don't waste time fishing," the homeless man said. "I need to
spend all my time trying to stay alive."

"Will you spend this on greens fees at a golf course instead of food?" the
man asked.

"Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless man. "I haven't played golf in 20
years!"

"Will you spend the money on a woman in the red light district instead
of food?" the man asked.

"What disease would I get for ten lousy bucks?" exclaimed the homeless man.

"Well," said the man, "I'm not going to give you the money. Instead, I'm
going to take you home for a terrific dinner cooked by my wife."

The homeless man was astounded. "Won't your wife be furious with you for
doing that? I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty disgusting."

The man replied, "That's okay. It's important for her to see what a man
looks like after he has given up beer, fishing, golf, and sex."

To me it kills the entertainment value. Suppose I made a joke about Belgium that hinged on them having invented pizza (instead of "French fries") Some might believe it and laugh, but to anyone who knew anything about pizza, it would make the joke nonsensical. It gives a false impression. Alrik appeared to but it for instance. Then people will begin quoting it as though it were true.

Well, to me, and to everyone I know, the text is both funny & sad at the same time. Bittersweet, so to say.

Funny, because nowadays we cannot believe things were so in the "old days", sad, because we realize how complex and sometimes dangerous the world has become.

I guess that for the younger generations it is simply funny, because they don't know it any different way than they actually do. <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/winkwink.gif" alt="" />

Two little old ladies were attending a rather long church service.
One leaned over and whispered, "My butt is going to sleep."
"I know," replied her companion, "I heard it snore three times."


The religious leaders bring a woman caught in adultery to Jesus. He begins to write on the ground and says "the one without sin cast the first stone". Just as he finishes his sentence, a rock comes hurling past his head and pummels the snot out of the poor woman. Quickly, he turns to see who did it, and then with exasperation, he says, "Mother, that's NOT the idea..."



A man rings the doorbell at the rectory of a Catholic church late on a Saturday afternoon. The pastor answers the door, and man asks, "Father, my dog just died, and I wondered if would you say say a few words over him before I bury him. He's been my best friend for a long time."

The priest shakes his head and says, "Son, we don't do things like that -- but there's a small Baptist church just down the road. Why don't you go there? If you offer the minister a contribution, he'll probably do it for you."

As he turns to go, the man stops and asks, "Do you think $250 would be enough?"

The priest quickly grabs his arm, saying, "Why didn't you tell me it's a Catholic dog?"

Hehe, good one Cleg, shows again how hypocrite the catholic church is <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/evilgrin1.gif" alt="" />

[color:"orange"] TV was widespread in the mid 50s, but had actually been around since the 30s I believe.

penicillin was used in WWII.

While polio shots were not in existence before I was born, as a child I was vaccinated against polio.

We never bought frozen food, but I remember it being around. A look at Birdseye confirms it has been around for awhile.

There are more examples, but I am getting tired of pointing them out. [/color]
All true, however more so for the US - Europe was way behind, especially in TV being spread widely and in frozen food availability.


[color:"orange"]However, I remember
slide rules
vinyl records
using a monstrous machine larger than a typewriter to calculate standard deviations
[/color]

slide rules - yeah! An extinct art. When my daughter found mine, she was quite perplexed at what you can do with it (and 'unplugged'!) <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/winkwink.gif" alt="" />
Using... - a typewriter, come to that! Without correction Tape! When a CC still was a CARBON copy! <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/biggrin.gif" alt="" />, when spellchecking still was a human's intellectual capability.

{I'm of good '56 vintage <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/winkwink.gif" alt="" /> }

hey everybody, good to be back.... here's a funny from a 58 vintage year old guy... <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/biggrin.gif" alt="" />

Two tall trees, a birch and a beech, are growing in the woods. A small

tree begins to grow between them, and the beech says to the birch, "Is

that a son of a beech or a son of a birch?"


The birch says he cannot tell. Just then a woodpecker lands onthe

sapling. The birch says, "Woodpecker, you are a tree expert.

Can you tell if that is a son of a beech or a son of a birch?"


The woodpecker takes a taste of the small tree. He replies, "It is

neither a son of a beech nor a son of a birch. It is, however,

the bestpiece of ash I have ever put my pecker in." <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" />

Subject: Italian Bread


Two old guys, one 80 and one 87, were sitting on their usual park bench seat one morning.

The 87 year old had just finished his morning jog and wasn't even short of breath.

The 80 year old was amazed at his friend's stamina and asked him what he did to have so much energy.

The 87 year old said, "well, I eat Italian bread every day. It keeps your energy level high and you'll have great stamina with the ladies."

So, on the way home, the 80 year old stops in at the bakery. As he was looking around, the lady behind the counter asked if he needed any help. He said, "do you have any Italian bread?"

She said, "yes, there's a whole shelf of it. Would you like some?"

He said, "yes, I want 5 loaves."

She said, "my goodness, 5 loaves. Don't you think by the time you get to the 5th loaf, it'll be hard?"

He replied, "Holy crow, everybody in the world knows about this Italian
bread thing but me!!"

I just got this from my Aunt in Cali. Usually she sends emails that say there is an attachment and there is none, or she fwds something (supposedly) and there is nothing there...but today was funny:

When going to get his driver's license renewed at the local motor-vehicle bureau, a man was not surprised to find that the building was packed. The line inched along for almost an hour until he finally got his license.

He inspected his photo for a moment and commented to the clerk, "I was standing in line so long, I ended up looking pretty grouchy in this picture."

"The clerk looked at his picture closely.

"It's okay," he reassured the man. "That's how you're going to look when the cops pull you over anyway."

A man goes to a shrink and says, "Doctor, my wife is unfaithful to me.
Every evening, she goes to Larry's bar and picks up men. In fact, she
sleeps with anybody who asks her! I'm going crazy. What do you think I should do?"

"Relax," says the Doctor, "take a deep breath and calm down. Now,
tell me, exactly where is Larry's bar?"

FIRST THINGS FIRST!!!!
A jumbo jet is just coming into the Tampa Airport on its final approach. The pilot comes on the intercom, "This is your Captain. We're on our final descent into Tampa. I want to thank you for flying with us today and I hope you enjoy your stay in Tampa Bay." He forgets to switch off the intercom. Now the whole plane can hear his conversation from the cockpit.

The copilot says to the pilot, "Well, skipper, watcha gonna do in Tampa?" "Well," says the skipper, "first I'm gonna check into the hotel and take a big crap.... then I'm gonna take that new stewardess with the huge tits out for dinner.....then I'm gonna wine and dine her, take her back to my room and put it to her big time all night."

Everyone on the plane hears this and immediately begins looking up and down the aisle trying to get a look at the new stewardess. Meanwhile the new stewardess is at the very back of the plane. She's so embarrassed that she starts to run to try and get to the cockpit to turn the intercom off.

Halfway down the aisle, she trips over an old lady's bag and down she goes. The old lady leans over and says: "No need to hurry, dear. He's gotta take a crap first."
<img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" />