Larian Studios Forums General Chat Chat (Anything) did we do jokes already?

Don't know how many of you shop at Wal-Mart, but this may be useful.

I am posting this to you to warn you of something that happened to me,
as I have become a victim of a clever scam while out shopping. This
happened to me at Wal-Mart in Middle Island and it could happen to you.

Here's how the scam works:

Two seriously good looking 18 year old girls come over to your car as
you are packing your shopping in the trunk. They both start wiping your
windshield with a rag and Windex, with their breasts almost falling out
of their skimpy T-shirts. It is impossible not to look. When you thank
them and offer them a tip, they say 'No' and instead ask you for a ride
to Wal-Mart In Centereach. You agree and they get in the back seat. On the
way, they start having sex with each other. Then one of them climbs over
into the front seat and performs oral sex on you, while the other one
steals your wallet.

I had my wallet stolen last Tuesday, Wednesday, twice on Thursday, again
on Saturday, also yesterday and it will probably happen again tonight. <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/badsmile2.gif" alt="" />

did i already use this one........ ?? If not here you go.......... <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/biggrin.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/biggrin.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/biggrin.gif" alt="" />
for all us *vintage* fellows......... <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/tongue.gif" alt="" />

Nudist Colony

A man joins a very exclusive nudist colony.
On his first day there he takes off his clothes and starts to wander around.

A gorgeous petite blonde walks by, and the man immediately gets an erection.

The woman notices his erection, comes over to him and says, "Did you call
for me?"

The man replies, "No, what do you mean?"

She says, "You must be new here. Let me explain. It's a rule here that if
you get an erection, it implies you called for me."

Smiling, she leads him to the side of the swimming pool, lies down on a
towel, eagerly pulls him to her and happily lets him have his way with her.

The man continues to explore the colony's facilities. He enters the sauna
and as he sits down, he farts.

Within minutes a huge, hairy man lumbers out of the steam room toward him,
"Did you call for me?" says the hairy man.

"No, what do you mean?" says the newcomer.

"You must be new," says the hairy man, "it's a rule that if you fart, it
implies that you called for me."

The huge man easily spins him around, bends him over a bench and has his way
with him.

The newcomer staggers back to the colony office, where he is greeted by the
smiling, naked receptionist, "May I help you?" she says.

The man yells, "Here's my membership card. You can have the key back and you
can keep the $500 membership fee."

"But, Sir," she replies, "you've only been here for a few hours. You haven't
had the chance to see all our facilities."

The man replies, "Listen lady, I'm 68 years old. I only get an erection once
a month. I fart 15 times a day."

You missing a 710?,

Yesterday I was having some work done at the car dealer.
A blonde woman came in and asked for a seven-hundred-ten.


They all looked at each other, and the Mechanic asked, "What is a seven-hundred-ten?"
She replied, "You know, the little piece in the middle of the engine. I lost it and need a new one.

It had always been there."


The mechanic gave the woman a piece of paper and a pen and asked her to draw what the piece looked like. She drew a circle and in the middle of it wrote 710. He then took her over to another car which had the hood up and asked, "Is there a 710 on this car?" She pointed and said, "Of course, it's right there."

one last thought...... <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/winkwink.gif" alt="" />

An Englishman's wife steps up to the tee and, as she bends over to
place her ball, a gust of wind blows her skirt up and reveals her
lack of underwear.

"Good God, woman! Why aren't you wearing any knickers?" her husband
demanded.

"Well, you don't give me enough housekeeping money to afford any."

The Englishman immediately reaches into his pocket and says, "For the
sake of decency, here's $50. Go and buy yourself some underwear."

Next, the Irishman's wife bends over to set her ball on the tee. Her
skirt also blows up to show that she is wearing no undies.
"Blessed Virgin Mary, woman! You've no knickers. Why not?"

She replies, "I can't afford any on the money you give me."

He reaches into his pocket and says, "For the sake of decency, here's
$20. Go and buy yourself some underwear!"

Lastly, the Scotsman's wife bends over. The wind also takes her skirt
over her head to reveal that she, too, is naked under it.
"Sweet mudder of Jesus, Aggie! Where the frig are yer drawers?"

She too explains, "You dinna give me enough money ta be able ta
affarrd any."

The Scotsman reaches into his pocket and says, "Well, fer the love 'o
Jasus, 'n the sake of decency, here's a comb. Tidy yerself up a bit." <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/stupid.gif" alt="" />

The happy man has

- an American salary;
- an English butler;
- a French cook;
- a German home;
- and a Japanese wife.

now, don't get confused, as you could wind up as a less happy man having

- a Japanese salary;
- a German butler;
- an English cook;
- a French home;
- and an <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/shhh.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/winkwink.gif" alt="" />

What's the difference between socialism and capitalism?

<span class='standouttext'>Spoiler : </span><span class='spoiler'> capitalism makes social mistakes... </span>

Aah! Jurak my green giant friend we have missed you, thanks for the good feelings <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/biggrin.gif" alt="" />

and Glance that thing about the perfect household, is very good also very true <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/evilgrin1.gif" alt="" />

Welcome back Jurak! It's good to see your fun face again!

A cowboy walked into a bar and ordered a whiskey. When the bartender delivered the drink, the cowboy asked, "Where is everybody?" The bartender replied, "They've gone to the hanging." "Hanging?Who are they hanging?" "Brown Paper Pete," the bartender replied.
"What kind of a name is that?" the cowboy asked. "Well,"said the bartender, "he wears a brown paper hat, brown paper shirt, brown paper trousers and brown paper shoes."
"Weird guy," said the cowboy. "What are they hanging him for?"
"Rustling,"said the bartender.

---------------------------------
A set of jumper cables walks into a bar. The bartender says "I'll serve you but don't try to start anything."
----------------------------------

A pirate comes walking into a bar with a steering wheel stuffed down his pants.
Now the bartender had seen just about everything in his day, or so he thought, but this was new, so he couldn't resist,
"Excuse me mister pirate sir, why do you have a steering wheel stuffed down the front of your pants??"
To which he replied,
"ARRRGGGG! It's drivin' me nuts!!"

Aargh! with jokes like that where's our Tattoo carrying Pirate member, huh, haven't heard or seen her for what ages <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/disagree.gif" alt="" />

anyways here's an oldie but a goodie <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/biggrin.gif" alt="" />

These disturbingly funny conversations took place between air traffic controllers and pilots around the world. They are included here firstly and simply because many are very funny; secondly because the collection provides examples of not so great communications and relationships between 'customers and suppliers', in the context of achieving quality of customer service and service delivery. There is always room for well-placed humour and/or firmness in organizational communications, but when misplaced, effective inter-group working can be undermined, especially when a little misogyny, xenophobia or arrogance is thrown into the mix….

Tower: "Delta 351, you have traffic at 10 o'clock, 6 miles!" Delta 351: "Give us another hint! We have digital watches!"
"TWA 2341, for noise abatement turn right 45 Degrees." "Centre, we are at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make up here?" "Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a 727?"

From an unknown aircraft waiting in a very long takeoff queue: "I'm f...ing bored!" Ground Traffic Control: "Last aircraft transmitting, identify yourself immediately!" Unknown aircraft: "I said I was f...ing bored, not f...ing stupid!"

Control tower to a 747: "United 329 heavy, your traffic is a Fokker, one o'clock, three miles, Eastbound." United 239: "Approach, I've always wanted to say this.... I've got the little Fokker in sight."

A DC-10 had come in a little hot and thus had an exceedingly long roll out after touching down. San Jose Tower noted: "American 751, make a hard right turn at the end of the runway, if you are able. If you are not able, take the Guadalupe exit off Highway 101, make a right at the lights and return to the airport."

A military pilot called for a priority landing because his single-engine jet fighter was running "a bit peaked." Air Traffic Control told the fighter pilot that he was number two, behind a B-52 that had one engine shut down. "Ah," the fighter pilot remarked, "The dreaded seven-engine approach."

Allegedly, a Pan Am 727 flight waiting for start clearance in Munich overheard the following: Lufthansa (in German): "Ground, what is our start clearance time?" Ground (in English): "If you want an answer you must speak in English." Lufthansa (in English): "I am a German, flying a German airplane, in Germany. Why must I speak English?" Unknown voice from another plane (in a beautiful British accent): "Because you lost the bloody war."

Tower: "Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on frequency 124.7" Eastern 702: "Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure. By the way, after we lifted off we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of the runway." Tower: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff behind Eastern 702, contact Departure on frequency 124.7. Did you copy that report from Eastern 702?" Continental 635: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, roger; and yes, we copied Eastern... we've already notified our caterers."

One day the pilot of a Cherokee 180 was told by the tower to hold short of the active runway while a DC-8 landed. The DC-8 landed, rolled out, turned around, and taxied back past the Cherokee. Some quick-witted comedian in the DC-8 crew got on the radio and said, "What a cute little plane. Did you make it all by yourself?" The Cherokee pilot, not about to let the insult go by, came back with a real zinger: "I made it out of DC-8 parts. Another landing like yours and I'll have enough parts for another one."

Allegedly the German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are renowned as a short-tempered lot. They, it is alleged, not only expect one to know one's gate parking location, but how to get there without any assistance from them. So it was with some amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways 747, call sign Speedbird 206. Speedbird 206: "Frankfurt, Speedbird 206 clear of active runway." Ground: "Speedbird 206. Taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven." The BA 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop. Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?" Speedbird 206: "Stand by, Ground, I'm looking up our gate location now." Ground (with quite arrogant impatience): "Speedbird 206, have you not been to Frankfurt before?" Speedbird 206 (coolly): "Yes, twice in 1944, but it was dark,...... and I didn't land."

Allegedly, while taxiing at London's Gatwick Airport, the crew of a US Air flight departing for Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a United 727. An irate female ground controller lashed out at the US Air crew, screaming: "US Air 2771, where the hell are you going?! I told you to turn right onto Charlie taxiway! You turned right on Delta! Stop right there. I know it's difficult for you to tell the difference between C and D, but get it right!" Continuing her rage to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting hysterically: "God! Now you've screwed everything up! It'll take forever to sort this out! You stay right there and don't move till I tell you to! You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about half an hour and I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you! You got that, US Air 2771?" US Air 2771: "Yes, ma'am," the humbled crew responded. Naturally, the ground control communications frequency fell terribly silent after the verbal bashing of US Air 2771. Nobody wanted to chance engaging the irate ground controller in her current state of mind. Tension in every cockpit out around Gatwick was definitely running high. Just then an unknown pilot broke the silence and keyed his microphone, asking: "Wasn't I married to you once?"
<img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/evilgrin1.gif" alt="" />

I have a dog & I was buying a large bag of Purina at Wal-Mart and was in line to check out.

A woman behind me asked if I had a dog. On impulse, I told her that no, I was starting The Purina Diet again, although I probably
shouldn't because I'd ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd
lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes
coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and
simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry & that the food is
nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again.

Horrified, she asked if I'd ended up in the hospital in that condition because I had been poisoned. I told her no; it was because I'd been sitting in the street licking my balls and a car hit me.

gotta go to work...... <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/wave.gif" alt="" />

Snippet from alt.fan.pratchett : "Tales from the Daft Side" by Julian Hall :

Entertaining perhaps, but nothing at all surprising on the list. But maybe that's because I actually am 59. <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/winkwink.gif" alt="" />

As Cleglaw pointed out, quite a few things on the list are simply not true either. Remember that anybody who is now 59 had their teenage years and early twenties in the 1960s.

So all that stuff about not living with his wife before marriage, and the waffle about the terms grass, pot, coke and rock music is bunkum. And "draft dodging" was done by our age group (and younger) during the Vietnam war. I lived with my wife before we married, and in fact I can't think offhand of any contemporary friends who didn't. <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/badsmile2.gif" alt="" />

I used to be pretty impressed by a similar list for my own Grandmother though. She was born in the eighteen-hundreds and when she arrived there were no cars or airoplanes. Most journeys were done by foot or horse power. The house she was born in not only had no TV but it also had no telephone, radio or electricity either. And the majority of housing not only had no inside toilet but it had no bathroom either. Instead most people used a portable tin bath or a jug and basin set to wash.

Now that really WAS a different era. <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/tongue.gif" alt="" />

A Polish immigrant went to the DMV to apply for a driver's license.
First, of course, he had to take an eye sight test.
The optician showed him a card with the letters:
'C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.'
"Can you read this?" the optician asked.
"Read it?" the Polish guy replied, "I know the guy."

____________________________________________

Mother Superior called all the nuns together and said to them, "I must
tell you all something. We have a case of gonorrhea in the convent."
"Thank God," said an elderly nun at the back.
"I'm so tired of Chardonnay."

____________________________________________


Two guys were discussing popular family trends on sex, marriage
and values.
Stu said, "I didn't sleep with my wife before we got married, did you?"
Leroy replied, "I'm not sure, What was her maiden name?

----------------------------------------------------------------------

A little boy went up to his father and asked: "Dad, where did all of
my intelligence come from?
The father replied. "Well son, you must have got it from your
mother, cause I still have mine"

-----------------------------------------------------------------------

"Mr. Clark, I have reviewed this case very carefully," the divorce
court Judge said, "And I've decided to give your wife $775 a week,"
"That's very fair, your honor," the husband said. "And every now and
then I'll try to send her a few bucks myself."

------------------------------------------------------------------------

A doctor examined a woman, took the husband aside, and said, "I don't like the looks of your wife at all,"
"Me neither doc," said the husband. "But she's a great cook and really
good with the kids.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------

An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years.
The Wizard says, "Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words
that were used to put the curse on you.
The old man says without hesitation, "I now pronounce you man and
wife."

-----------------------------------------------------------------------

Two Reasons Why It's So Hard To Solve A Redneck Murder
1. All the DNA is the same.
2. There are no dental records.


<img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/stupid.gif" alt="" /> Have a nice Day! <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/wave.gif" alt="" />

I went to the Doctors today,
He said I was a Hypochondriac,
I said "Oh No!...not that as well" <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/biggrin.gif" alt="" />

aah once more the Jokesters to the rescue <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/biggrin.gif" alt="" /> thanks guys <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/winkwink.gif" alt="" />

Don't read this if you are away from home. It's an inside joke.

Did you hear about the schizophrenic yogi?
He was at two with the universe.

How one should NOT behave at signin...inkwink.gif" alt="" />

Support Group for those who talk too much:
On and On and On Anon