Thanks Elliot and Faralas - no need to console me, I am not easily offended, and certainly not by factual voicing of opinions on a topic where I specifically asked for advice. If I wasn't unsure of myself, I wouldn't have asked. And if I didn't enjoy this new experience of writing I wouldn't seek ways of improving.
I'm really glad you took the plunge and posted, Glance. It's not an easy undertaking and when I posted my very first story on a writer's board (6 years ago), I was quite apprehensive, but it turned out for the best.
on tense - it wasn't my choice, but a rule set in the story before I joined it - had I had my own choice, I would certainly not have picked present tense.
You know, Glance - as I read this scene, I was particularly struck that you were able to stay in present tense through the whole scene. I mean, most writers new to the craft jump from tense to tense. And your ability to stay in the present was remarkable! If I didn't express this enough the first time, allow me to do it again: I marvel at other's ability to speak more than one language and also even more, to write in one. You did an excellent job.
A lot of what you comment Faralas is choice of words in English, for which I am thankful, as it expands my vocabulary (no, that is not the whole truth - I should say "my active vocabulary", as the words as such I knew - mostly). I can assure you, that quite a number is as you advised in the German original.
Writing English and speaking it are two different things. Many English speaking people are lousy English writers! LOL I only wish I knew enough German to read it fluently. Unfortunately, I'm limited to smatterings of Dutch and Spanish.
I will not take your comments apart in detail, I can differentiate for myself, which is English lessson (Thanks), which is translation loss (as I said, had I written this in English, though more difficult for me, it would have been different) and which is a valid point in the art of narrating a story. Thanks by the way for the book recommendation - I feel confident, that I can get a lot out of it from reading it in English, if no German copy can be found. (My speaking is not different from my writing, except for a German/American accent - as my English colleagues say "I am a bloody foreigner trained by f****ing colonists" - I learned English by Americans mostly and did some of my professional training in the USA <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/winkwink.gif" alt="" />)
And thanks for your offer of reviewing any stuff I may write - I will smoke a pipe while pondering this question. But definitely, I will not translate anything I wrote (or will write in German). I have realised that writing, while certainly envolving work, has the charm of creativity - translation is pure work for me.
But I could be tempted to try and write in English - if somebody with a better vocabulary reviews it.
My only concern is that my comments will stop you from writing or posting English translations of your work. As I've stated, I give a lot of credit to people who want to translate their stories into another language. I completely understand that it must be difficult work and the creativity is lost in the process. I'm sure that's frustrating. In all fairness, were I to translate one of my stories from English to German, I dare say I'd do anything near as well as the scene you posted here.
Glad you found some of my comments helpful. That's always a plus for me. I love writing, reading and everything about both. If you ever need any help in searching for English phrases or words, do not give a moment's hesitation to contacting me. I'm only a PM away. Thanks, Glance!
Faralas <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/mage.gif" alt="" />