One pipe later...
Taking your comments into consideration, this is the revision:
Do I like it better? To some extent, certainly, especially on the choice of words. Short, complete, grammatically correct staccato sentences? I tried. The above is a compromise - I, personally (!), prefer Elliot's view. Maybe because the German tends to have long sentences with the verb at the end, so that hacking them, letting the reader fill in the gaps, which grammatically is as incorrect in German, still feels better, more action relaying, suspenseful.
Glance - you nailed it. Yes, I like it. For an "English" version, it reads much better. It's tighter and yes, the short phrases work well in this particular scene.
You done good, buddy! <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> I'm sure it feels and reads 'better' to you in German. And a lot has to do with style and subject matter *glances over to Elliot* But more importantly is how *you* feel about it. Anything you write should resonate within yourself. I'm not *the* expert here. I don't think anyone can claim that title. But as a beginner, I merely wanted to point out to you some of the things that I've been taught and learned over the years.
Now, you need to write it for yourself. *g* If you're not 100% happy with this version, throw in some of the stuff you'd be more comfortable with. I must say, though, this is a drastic improvement over the original one you posted. Excellent rewrite. Thanks again for sharing.
Faralas <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/mage.gif" alt="" />