Larian Studios Forums General Chat Chat (Anything) did we do jokes already?

<img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" /> very clever HEF <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" />

For Christmas cards this year, I suggest getting a chest xray and then having pictures of it put on the cards you send out. That will show everyone that your heart is in the right place.

At a local college, there was a dance. A guy from America asked the girl from Sweden to dance. While they were dancing, he gives her a little squeeze, and says, "In America, we call this a hug".
She replies, "Yaah, in Sveden, we call it a hug too."
A little later, he gives her a peck on the cheek, and says, "In America, we call this a kiss".
She replies, "Yaah, in Sveden, we call it a kiss too."
Towards the end of the night, and a lot of drinks later, he takes her out on the campus lawn, and proceeds to have sex with her, and says, "In America, we call this a grass sandwich".
She says, "Yaaah in Sveden, we call it a grass sandwich too, but we usually put more meat in it."

Apart from the german accent, that was great <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/biggrin.gif" alt="" />.

Übereil

Dunka... <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/biggrin.gif" alt="" />

Stevie Wonder is playing his first gig in Tokyo and the place is
absolutely packed to the rafters.
In a bid to break the ice with his new audience he asks if
Anyone would like him to play a request.
A little old Japanese man jumps out of his seat in the first row
And shouts at the top of his voice "Play a Jazz chord ! Play a jazz
chord .
Amazed that this guy knows about Stevie's varied career, the
Blind impresario starts to play an E minor scale and then goes into a
difficult jazz melody for about 10 minutes. When he finishes the
whole place goes wild.
The little old man jumps up again and shouts "No, no, play a Jazz
chord, play a Jazz chord".
A bit pissed off by this, Stevie, being the professional that he
is, dives straight into a jazz improvisation with his band around
the B flat minor chord and really tears the place apart. The crowd goes
wild with this impromptu show of his technical expertise.
The little old man jumps up again. "No, no. Play a Jazz chord, play
A jazz chord".
Well and truly pissed off that this little guy doesn't seem to
appreciate his playing ability Stevie says to him from the stage
"OK smart [nocando]. You get up here and do it !"
The little old man climbs up onto the stage, takes hold of the
Mike and starts to sing . " A jazz chord to say I ruv you ."

<img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

I don't know if this was posted before or not,
but here goes anyway.......


************Marketing 101***********
The buzz word in today's business world is marketing. However, people
often ask for a simple explanation of the concept.

Well, here it is -- everything you need to know about marketing.

You're a woman and you see a handsome guy at a party. You go up to him
and say, "I'm fantastic in bed."

That's Direct Marketing.

You're at a party with a bunch of friends and see a handsome guy.
One of your friends goes up to him and, pointing at you, says, "She's
fantastic in bed."

That's Advertising.

You see a handsome guy at a party. You go up to him and get his
telephone umber. The next day you call and say, "Hi, I'm fantastic in
bed."

That's Telemarketing.

You see a guy at a party, you straighten your dress. You walk up to
him and pour him a drink. You say, "May I?" and reach up to straighten
his tie, brushing your breast lightly against his arm, and then say,
"By the way, I'm fantastic in bed."

That's Public Relations

You're at a party and see a handsome guy. He walks up to you and says,
"I hear you're fantastic in bed."

That's Brand Recognition.

You're at a party and see a handsome guy. He fancies you, but you talk
him into going home with your friend.

That's a Sales Representative.

Your friend can't satisfy him so he calls you.

That's Tech Support.

You're on your way to a party when you realize that there could be
handsome men in all these houses you're passing. So you climb onto the
roof of one situated towards the center and shout at the top of your
lungs, "I'm fantastic in bed!"

That's Junk Mail.

<img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/stupid.gif" alt="" />

One of the funniest "most-embarrassing-moment" stories I've come upon in a long time was about a lady who picked up several items at a discount store. When she finally got up to the checker, she learned that one of the items had no price tag. Imagine her embarrassment when the checker got on the intercom and boomed out for all the store to hear, "PRICE CHECK ON LANE THIRTEEN, TAMPAX, SUPERSIZE."

That was bad enough, but somebody at the rear of the store apparently misinterpreted the word "tampax" for "thumbtacks." In a business-like tone, a voice boomed back over the intercom. "DO YOU WANT THE KIND YOU PUSH IN WITH YOUR THUMB, OR THE KIND YOU POUND IN WITH A HAMMER?"

<img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" />

There was this big wedding in Simi Valley recently, and just before the vows were spoken, the bride turned to the assembled friends and relatives:

"I want to thank you all for being here and for the beautiful gifts you've given."

She turned to her beaming parents:

"I want to thank my mother and father for all they've done for me."

She turned to her husband-to-be:

"And I want to thank you for sleeping with my maid-of-honor last night!"

The bride then deposited her bouquet in the groom's face and stormed out of the church.


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

[Collected on the Internet, 1995]

If any of you guys out there have ever thought you have balls, forget about it. This is a true story that just happened at a wedding at Clemson. A buddy of mine from my baseball team knows a guy that was at the wedding.

This was a huge wedding with about 300 guests. After the wedding at the reception, the groom got up on stage at the microphone to talk to the crowd. He said that he wanted to thank everyone for coming, many from long distances, to support them at their wedding. He especially wanted to thank the bride's and groom's families for coming.

To thank everyone for coming and bring gifts and everything, he said he wanted to give everyone a gift from him. So taped to the bottom of everyone's chair was a manila envelope. He said that was his gift to everyone, and told them to open it.

Inside the manila envelope was an 8x10 picture of his best man having sex with the bride. (He must have gotten suspicious of the two of them and hired a private detective to trail them.) After he stood there and watched people's reactions for a couple of minutes, he turned to the best man and said, "Fork you." He turned to the bride and said, "Fork you," and then said, "I'm outta here".

He got the marriage annulled the next day.

While most of us would have broken it off immediately after we found out about the affair, this guy goes through with it anyway. His revenge: making the bride's parents pay for a 300-guest wedding and reception, letting everyone know exactly what did happen, and trashing the bride's and best man's reputations in front of friends, family, grandparents, etc.

This is his world, we just live in it.

At a U2 concert, Bono asked the audience for some quiet. Then, in the silence, he started to slowly clap his hands.

Holding the audience in total silence, he said into the microphone, "Every time I clap my hands, a child in Africa dies."

A voice from near the front pierced the silence, "Well, stop f*cking doing it then!!!" <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/exclamation.gif" alt="" />

A man staggered into a hospital's emergency room with a concussion,
multiple bruises, two black eyes, and a five iron wrapped
tightly around his throat.
Naturally, the ER Doctor asked him, "What happened to you?"
Well, I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife, when at a
difficult hole, we both sliced our balls into a cow pasture.
We went to look for them. While I was looking around, I noticed one
of the cows had something white by its rear end."
I walked over, lifted its tail, and sure enough, there was a golf
ball with my wife's monogram on it - stuck right in the middle of the cow's
[nocando]."
Still holding the cow's tail up,
I yelled to my wife, "Hey, this looks like yours!"
"I really don't remember much after that."

<img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" />

"I was playing golf when the ball went into the woods. Just as I was preparing to chip it back on to the green in 3 strokes or so, a frog appeared and said,
'Use your driver.'
I thought it was terrible advice, but I had never seen nor heard a talking frog before. So I tried my driver. In one swing my ball was back on the green. I couldn't believe my eyes. So I picked up the frog and took it with me. To make a long story short, the frog gave me advice on every hole, and I played the best game of golf I ever had played. I took the frog home with me, and from that day forward I began making money playing golf by bringing the frog along every time I played."

"One day it occurred to me that if the frog was that good, I should bring it to Las Vegas with me. After I arrived in Las Vegas we went straight to the roulette table. The frog said,
'Put all your money on red.'
I put all my money on red, and guess what? It came up red. I continued to follow al the frog's advice and in an hour I amassed a fortune. The frog said,
'It's time to stop.'
We went up to the hotel room."

"After we arrived in the room the frog said,
'I'm not really a frog. I am a princess. Years ago a witch placed a curse on me and turned me into a frog. The conditions of the curse have now been fulfilled, and if you kiss me, I will turn into my true form, a princess.'
I kissed the frog and it turned into a beautiful 15 year old girl. And I swear to you, Your Honor, that's how she got into my hotel room!"

Oh well done to both of you *giggles* <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/biggrin.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/tongue.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/biggrin.gif" alt="" />

i don't know if this has been posted (must've laughed my brains off while trying to find out) but here it is. ..... & by the way, all of u crack me up! this is to my fav funny man - JURAK!! <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

************

A young couple left the church and arrived at the hotel where they were spending the first night of their honeymoon. They opened the champagne and began undressing.

When the bridegroom removed his socks, his new wife asked, 'Ewww - what's wrong with your feet? Your toes look all mangled and weird. Why are your feet so gross?'

'I had tolio as a child,' he answered.

'You mean polio?' she asked.

'No, tolio. The disease only affected my toes.'

The bride was satisfied with this explanation, and they continued undressing. When the groom took off his pants, his bride once again wrinkled up her nose. v 'What's wrong with your knees?' She asked. 'They're all lumpy and deformed!'

'As a child, I also had kneasles,' he explained.

'You mean measles?' she asked.

'No, kneasles. It was a strange illness that only affected my knees.'

The new bride had to be satisfied with this answer. As the undressing continued, her husband at last removed his underwear.

'Don't tell me,' she said. 'Let me guess.. Smallcox?'

**************************

A small tourist hotel was all abuzz about an afternoon wedding where the groom was 95 and the bride was 23.The groom looked pretty feeble and the feeling was that the wedding night might kill him, because his bride was a healthy, vivacious young woman.

The next morning, the bride came down the main staircase slowly, step by step, hanging onto the banister for dear life.She finally managed to get to the counter of the little shop in the hotel. The clerk looked really concerned, "Whatever happened to you, honey? You look like you've been wrestling an alligator!"

The bride groaned, hung on to the counter and managed to speak, "Ohhh God! He told me he'd been saving up for 75 years and I thought he meant his money!!"

**************************

http://www.huaren.com/fun/english.htm

thanks Jangg, the man who never speaks bad about anyone.... <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/up.gif" alt="" />


Grandma and Grandpa were watching a healing service on television.

The evangelist called to all who wanted to be healed to go to their television set, place one hand on the TV and the other hand on the body part they wanted to be healed.

Grandma got up and slowly hobbled to the television set, placed her right hand on the set and her left hand on her arthritic shoulder that was causing her great pain. Then Grandpa got up, went to the TV, placed his right hand on the set and his left hand on his crotch.

Grandma scowled at him and said, "The purpose of doing this is to heal the sick, not raise the dead."

Hee hee hee!!! but so true <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" />

I walked into a public toilet where I found two cubicles, of which one was already occupied.

So I entered the other one, closed the door, dropped my trousers and sat down.

A voice came from the cubicle next to me: "Hello mate, how are you going?" (I thought it a bit strange but not wanting to be rude I replied)
"Yeah, not too bad thanks." After a short pause, I heard the voice again
"So, what are you up to mate?" Again I answered, somewhat reluctantly it must be said.
Unsure what to say, I replied "Umm, just having a quick poo.. How about yourself?"

I then heard the voice for the third time ....."Sorry mate, I'll have to call you back. I've got some d#ickhead in the
loo next to me answering everything I say." <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/biggrin.gif" alt="" />

Lol Spick, it happened before to me too, I ran out as quickly as I could <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/evilgrin1.gif" alt="" />

LOL ! <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/biggrin.gif" alt="" />

I once saw how a cellular phone (which we call "Handy" here) ringed. The young man in front of me and the young woman beside me BOTH fetched theirs Hamndys out of their bags ... <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/biggrin.gif" alt="" /> - They had had the identical ringing ! <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/biggrin.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/winkwink.gif" alt="" />