Larian Studios Forums General Chat Chat (Anything) did we do jokes already?

That happened to me last month....

Walked into a pet-hyper to buy a few accessories (like the sign required by law when you have a man-eating dog, warning people in 11 languages!), so walking with my hands full, my phone rings.... (and i dont have a common ringtone... remember the OLD ice-cream vans? thats my ring tone)... so struggling for my cellphone which is stuffed deep into a jean pocket, i finally managed to get it out, answered it and notice this VERY confused face staring at me, cellphone in hand....

We both just packed out laughing!!!!!

Do you remember those thriller movies where a girl has to hide from her attacker when at that moment her cell starts to ring... <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />
I was watching a horror movie a while ago (can't remember the title anymore), when the creep in that movie went to the phone and wanted to call it's victim, at the same moment when the phone ringed, my cell ringed too <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /> I think you get the idea how high I jumped from my couch...? <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ouch.gif" alt="" />

<img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" /> That's priceless <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/biggrin.gif" alt="" />

A little 80 yr old lady always wanted to join a bikers
club. One day she goes up and knocks on a biker's
door. A big, hairy, bearded biker with tattoos all
over his arms answers. She proclaims, "I want to join
your club". The guy was quite amused but says she
needs to meet certain biker requirements in order to
join he explains.
The biker asks; Do you have a motorcycle?
The little old lady replies, "Yep, my bike's parked
over there and points to a flamed black Harley chopper
in the driveway.
The biker asks, Do you drink?
The little old lady replies "Yep, drink like a fish.
I'll drink everyone in your club under the table."
The biker asks; Do you smoke?
The little old lady replies, "Yep, smoke like a
chimney. At least 2 packs of cigarettes and three
joints a day and a couple more in the evening while
I'm shooting pool."
The biker is becoming very impressed and
asks, Last question, have you ever been picked up by
the fuzz?"

The little old lady thinks for a minute and says,
"Nope, but I've been swung around by my nipples a few
times."

<img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" />


<img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/XmasJump.gif" alt="" />

Aussies, Brits, Canadians and Americans Compared

Aussies: Dislike being mistaken for Brits when abroad.
Canadians: Are rather indignant about being mistaken for Americans when abroad.
Americans: Encourage being mistaken for Canadians when abroad.
Brits: Can't possibly be mistaken for anyone else when abroad.

Aussies: Believe you should look out for your mates.
Brits: Believe that you should look out for those people who belong to your club.
Americans: Believe that people should look out for and take care of themselves.
Canadians: Believe that that's the government's job.

Americans: Spend most of their lives glued to the idiot box.
Canadians: Don't watch much TV, but only because they can't get more American channels.
Brits: Pay a tax just so they can watch four channels.
Aussies: Export all their crappy programs, which no one there watches, to Britain, where everybody loves them.

Americans: Will jabber on incessantly about football, baseball and basketball.
Brits: Will jabber on incessantly about cricket, soccer and rugby.
Canadians: Will jabber on incessantly about hockey, hockey, hockey, hockey, and how they beat the Americans twice at baseball.
Aussies: Will jabber on incessantly about how they beat the Poms (Brits) in every sport they play them in.

Americans: Spell words differently, but still call it "English."
Brits: Pronounce their words differently, but still call it "English."
Canadians: Spell like Brits, pronounce like Americans.
Aussies: Add "G'day," "mate" and a heavy accent to everything they say in an attempt to get laid.

Americans: Drink weak, urine-tasting beer.
Canadians: Drink strong, urine-tasting beer.
Brits: Drink warm, beery-tasting urine.
Aussies: Drink anything with alcohol in it.

Americans: Seem to think that poverty and failure are morally suspect.
Canadians: Seem to believe that wealth and success are morally suspect.
Brits: Seem to believe that wealth, poverty, success, and failure are inherited things.
Aussies: Seem to think that none of this matters after several beers.

Unfortunately Cleg, this is far too close to the truth <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/biggrin.gif" alt="" />
PS apologies to all US, British and Canadian citizens as it is not my intention to Insult, but sheesh I gotta a good laugh outta that <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" />

A Joke for Lews to cheer him up,............. <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/biggrin.gif" alt="" />

Subject: A little old lady


A little old lady is walking down the street, dragging two plastic
garbage
bags with her, one in each hand. There's a hole in one of the bags, and
every once in a while a $20 bill is flying out of it onto the pavement.

Noticing this, a policeman stops her.... "Ma'am, there are $20 bills
falling out of that bag..."

"Darn!" says the little old lady..... "I'd better go back and see if I
can
still find some. Thanks for the warning!"

"Well, now, not so fast," says the cop. "How did you get all that
money?
Did you steal it?"

"Oh, no", says the little old lady. "You see, my back yard backs up to
the
parking lot of the football stadium. Each time there's a game a lot of
fans come and pee in the bushes, right into my flower beds! So, I go
and
stand behind the bushes with a big hedge clipper, and each time someone

sticks his little thingy through the bushes, I say: $20 or off it
comes!"

"Hey, not a bad idea!" laughs the cop. "OK, good luck!

By the way, what's in the other bag?"

"Well", says the little old lady, "not all of them pay."

<img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" />

Thanks Jurak, you cheered me up at least <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/hug.gif" alt="" />

hmm could be construed as a little over 18 years old thus:
<span class='standouttext'>Spoiler : </span><span class='spoiler'> WHICH PART OF YOUR BODY GOES TO HEAVEN FIRST?

The nun teaching Sunday School was speaking to her class one morning
and she asked the question, "When you die and go to Heaven...which part
of your body goes first?"

Suzy raised her hand and said, "I think it's your hands."

Why do you think it's your hands, Suzy?"

Suzy replied, "Because when you pray, you hold your hands together in
front of you and God just takes your hands first."

"What a wonderful answer!" the nun said.

Little Johnny raised his hand and said, "Sister, I think it's your
feet."

The nun looked at him with the strangest look on her face. "Now, Little
Johnny, why do you think it would be your feet?"

Little Johnny said, "Well, I walked into Mummy and Daddy's bedroom the
other night Mummy had her legs straight up in the air and she was
saying, "Oh ! God, I'm coming!"

"If Dad hadn't pinned her down, we'd have lost her."

The Nun fainted. </span>

<img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/evilgrin1.gif" alt="" />

So did that! <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/up.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/biggrin.gif" alt="" />

Lol, knew it already, but still a good one Mea! <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/up.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/up.gif" alt="" />

researchers have discovered that exercessive masterbation can cause dyslexia. hwoeevr, tihs olny in etxreem caess of slef aubse! <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/biggrin.gif" alt="" />

Oh boy! <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ouch.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" />

You prolly have seen a few of these already ... but there are some new "beauts" in between <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/biggrin.gif" alt="" />
The longest one-syllable word in the English language is
"screeched."

"Dreamt" is the only English word that ends in the letters "mt".

Almonds are members of the peach family.

The symbol on the "pound" key (#) is called an octothorpe.

The dot over the letter 'i' is called a tittle.

Ingrown toenails are hereditary.

The word "set" has more definitions than any other word in the
English language.

"Underground" is the only word in the English language that
begins and ends with the letters "und."

There are only four words in the English language which end
in"-dous" tremendous, horrendous, stupendous, and hazardous.

The longest word in the English language, according to the Oxford English Dictionary,
is pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosis.
The only other word with the same amount of letters is
pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconioses, its plural.

The longest place-name still in use is
Taumatawhakatangihangakoauauotamateaturipukakapikimaungahoronukupokaiwenuakitanatahu, a New Zealand hill.

Los Angeles's full name is "El Pueblo de Nuestra Senora la
Reina de los Angeles de Porciuncula" and can be
abbreviated to 3.63% of its size, "L.A."

A cat has 32 muscles in each ear.

An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.

Tigers have striped skin, not just striped fur.

In most advertisments, including newspapers, the time displayed
on a watch is 10:10.

Alfred Hitchcock didn't have a belly button.It was eliminated
when he was sewn up after surgery.

Telly Savalas and Louis Armstrong died on their birthdays.

Donald Duck's middle name is Fauntleroy.

Al Capone's business card said he was a used furniture dealer.

The muzzle of a lion is like a fingerprint - no two lions have
the same pattern of whiskers.

Steely Dan got their name from a sexual device depicted in the
book 'The Naked Lunch'.

A pregnant goldfish is called a twit.

The Ramses brand condom is named after the great phaoroh Ramses
II who fathered over 160 children.

There is a seven letter word in the English language that
contains ten words without rearranging any of its letters,
"therein" the, there, he, in, rein, her, here, ere, therein, herein.

Duelling is legal in Paraguay as long as both parties are
registered blood donors.

John Larroquette of "Night Court" and "The John Larroquette
Show" was the narrator of "The Texas Chainsaw Massacre."

The characters Bert and Ernie on Sesame Street were named after
Bert the cop and Ernie the taxi driver in
Frank Capra's "Its A Wonderful Life"

A goldfish has a memory span of three seconds.

It's impossible to sneeze with your eyes open.

It was discovered on a space mission that a frog can throw
up.The frog throws up its stomach first, so the stomach is dangling out of
it's mouth.Then the frog uses its forearms to dig out all of the
stomach's contents and then swallows the stomach back down again.

Cranberries are sorted for ripeness by bouncing them; a fully
ripened cranberry can be dribbled like a basketball.

The male gypsy moth can "smell" the virgin female gypsy moth
from 1.8 miles away.

The letters KGB stand for Komitet Gosudarstvennoy Bezopasnosti.

The name for Oz in the "Wizard of Oz" was thought up when the
creator, Frank Baum, looked at his filing cabinet and saw A-N, and O-Z,
hence "Oz."

The microwave was invented after a researcher walked by a radar
tube and a chocolate bar melted in his pocket.

'Stewardesses' is the longest word that is typed with only the
left hand.

To "testify" was based on men in the Roman court swearing to a
statement made by swearing on their testicles.

The combination "ough" can be pronounced in nine different
ways.The following sentence contains them all "A rough-coated,
dough-faced, thoughtful ploughman strode through the streets of Scarborough;
after falling into a slough, he coughed and hiccoughed."

The only 15 letter word that can be spelled without repeating a
letter is uncopyrightable.

Facetious and abstemious contain all the vowels in the correct
order, as does arsenious, meaning "containing arsenic."

Emus and kangaroos cannot walk backwards, and are on the
Australian coat of arms for that reason.

Cats have over one hundred vocal sounds, while dogs only have
about ten.

The word "Checkmate" in chess comes from the Persian phrase
"Shah Mat," which means "the king is dead".

The reason firehouses have circular stairways is from the days
of lore when the engines were pulled by horses.The horses were stabled
on the ground floor and figured out how to walk up straight
staircases.

Mea, those are interesting. Here's another.

Bookkeeper is the only word in the English language with 3 double letters in a row.

Is this typical of today’s world or what? Have you experienced this one before? Even Mobile Phones are becoming an essential item!!


An unemployed man is desperate to support his family of a wife and three kids. He applies for a janitor's job at a large firm and easily passes an aptitude test.

The human resources manager tells him, "You will be hired at minimum wage of $5.35 an hour. Let me have your e-mail address so that we can get you in the loop. Our system will automatically e-mail you all the forms and advise you when to start and where to report on your first day."

Taken back, the man protests that he is poor, has neither a computer nor an e-mail address. To this the manager replies, "You must understand that to a company like ours that means that you virtually do not exist. Without an E-mail address you can hardly expect to be employed by a high-tech firm. Good day."
Stunned, the man leaves. Not knowing where to turn and having $10 in his wallet, he walks past a farmers' market and sees a stand selling 25 lb crates of beautiful red tomatoes. He buys a crate, carries it to a busy corner and displays the tomatoes. In less than 2 hours he sells all the tomatoes and makes 100% profit. Repeating the process several times more that day, he ends up with almost $100 and arrives home that night with several bags of groceries for his family.

During the night he decides to repeat the tomato business the next day. By the end of the week he is getting up early every day and working into the night. He multiplies his profits quickly. Early in the second week he acquires a cart to transport several boxes of tomatoes at a time, but before a month is up he sells the cart to buy a broken-down pickup truck.

At the end of a year he owns three old trucks. His two sons have left their neighbourhood gangs to help him with the tomato business, his wife is buying the tomatoes, and his daughter is taking night courses at the community college so she can keep books for him.

By the end of the second year he has a dozen very nice used trucks and employs fifteen previously unemployed people, all selling tomatoes. He continues to work hard.

Time passes and at the end of the fifth year he owns a fleet of nice trucks and a warehouse that his wife supervises, plus two tomato farms that the boys manage. The tomato company's payroll has put hundreds of homeless and jobless people to work. His daughter reports that the business grossed over one million dollars.

Planning for the future, he decides to buy some life insurance. Consulting with an insurance adviser, he picks an insurance plan to fit his new circumstances. Then the adviser asks him for his e-mail address in order to send the final documents electronically.

When the man replies that he doesn't have time to mess with a computer and has no e-mail address, the insurance man is stunned, "What, you don't have e-mail? No computer? No Internet? Just think where you would be today if you had had all of that five years ago!"

"Ha!" snorts the man. "If I'd had e-mail five years ago I would be sweeping floors at Microsoft and making $5.35 an hour."

Which brings us to the moral of the story:

Since you got this story by e-mail, you're probably closer to being a janitor than a millionaire.

Sadly, I received it also.

Too true HeF here's another Blonde Joke <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/winkwink.gif" alt="" />
A Blonde and a Brunette opened a Bar, but after 1 month they still have not made any money.
The Brunette says; we should have opened a Brothel!
The Blonde goes; Hellooooo! we can't sell beer, how do you expect us to sell Broth ??

[img]http://members.optusnet.com.au/~mea_culpa/Smiley's/roflmao.gif[/img]

Subject: Irish blonde



An attractive blonde from Cork arrived and bet twenty-thousand dollars on a single roll of the dice, at the casino.

She said, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely nude".

With that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and yelled, "Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!"

As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up and down and squealed..."YES! YES! I WON, I WON!"

She hugged each of the dealers and then picked up her winnings and her clothes and quickly departed.

The dealers stared at each other dumbfounded. Finally, one of them asked, "What did she roll?"

The other answered, "I don't know - I thought you were watching."

MORAL OF THE STORY -

Not all Irish are stupid and not all blondes are dumb, but all men are men.


<img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/evilgrin1.gif" alt="" />

I never thought you know a story of my life Mea <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/evilgrin1.gif" alt="" />
Lol, good one though, very good one. <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" />

LOL I thought you would appreciate that one <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />