Larian Studios Forums General Chat Chat (Anything) did we do jokes already?

* sincker, snicker *

my computer is lucky to be here....
it's like trying to save a dying horse...
must..make the trip for a new computer...
I will be happy i did... <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/stupid.gif" alt="" />


<img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/wave.gif" alt="" /> nice jokes...

next time you see me I'll be wearing a new computer... <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/kissyou.gif" alt="" />

Aah there's your problem Jurak my old green friend, you are not suppose to wear it, you are suppose to "use" it to entertain us <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/winkwink.gif" alt="" />

4 more sleeps.......and it'll be <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/XmasJump.gif" alt="" /> all over the place! <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/biggrin.gif" alt="" />

A pyloric sphincter says what? ..........Hmmmm? <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/think.gif" alt="" />



>>> Subject: Rectum Stretcher
>>>
>>>
>>> This is so funny...
>>>
>>> While she was "flying" down the road yesterday (10 miles over
>>> the limit), a woman passed over a bridge only to find a cop with a
>>> radar gun on the other side lying in wait. The cop pulled her
>>> over, walked up to the car, and with that classic patronizing
>>> smirk we all know and love, asked, "What's your hurry?"
>>>
>>> To which she replied, "I'm late for work." "Oh yeah," said the
>>> cop, "What do you do?"
>>>
>>> I'm a rectum stretcher," she responded. The cop stammered, "A
>>> what? A rectum stretcher?"
>>>
>>> "And just what does a rectum stretcher do?" Well," she said, "I
>>> start by inserting one finger, then work my way up to two fingers,
>>> then three, then four, then with my whole hand in. I work from side
>>> to side until I can get both hands in, and then I slowly but surely
>>> stretch it, until it's about 6 feet wide."
>>>
>>> "And just what the hell do you do with a 6 foot [nocando]?" he
>>> asked. "You give him a radar gun and park him behind a bridge..."
>>>
>>> Traffic Ticket $95.00
>>>
>>> Court Costs $45.00
>>>
>>> Look on the Cop's Face............... PRICELESS

<img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" />

@ Jurak -> i really miss u, Orc Chief! <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/wave.gif" alt="" />

& for making me smile this morning, i would like to share with u what i've read in an English Learning website;

The US President Proves How Difficult English Really Is!

The President's Problems with Vocabulary & Meaning

A cabbie picks up a nun. She gets into the cab and notices that the VERY handsome cab driver won't stop staring at her. She asks him why he is staring.

He replies: "I have a question to ask you but I don't want to offend you."

She answers, " My son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive."

"Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me."

She responds, "Well, let's see what we can do about that: #1, you have to be single and #2, you must be Catholic."

The cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes, I'm single and Catholic!"

"OK," the nun says. "Pull into the next alley."

The nun fulfills his fantasy with a kiss that would make a hooker blush. But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.

"My dear child," says the nun, "Why are you crying?"

"Forgive me but I've sinned. I lied and I must confess, I'm married and I'm Jewish."

The nun says, "That's OK. My name is Kevin and I'm going to a Halloween party."

One sunny day in 2008, an old man approached the White House from across Pennsylvania Avenue, where he'd been sitting on a park bench.

He spoke to the Marine standing guard and said, "I would like to go in and meet with President George Bush."

The Marine replied, "Sir, Mr. Bush is not President and doesn't reside here."

The old man said, "Okay," and walked away.

The following day, the same man approached the White House and said to the same Marine, "I would like to go in and meet with President George Bush".

The Marine again told the man, "Sir, as I said yesterday, Mr. Bush is not President and doesn't reside here."

The man thanked him and again walked away .

The third day, the same man approached the White House and spoke to the very same Marine, saying "I would like to go in and meet with President George Bush."

The Marine, understandably agitated at this point, looked at the man and said, "Sir, this is the third day in a row you have been here asking to speak to Mr. Bush. I've told you already several times that Mr. Bush is not the President and doesn't reside here. Don't you understand?"

The old man answered, "Oh, I understand you fine. I just love hearing your answer!"

The Marine snapped to attention, saluted, and said, "See you tomorrow."

<img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/stupid.gif" alt="" />

I had a bunch of Canadian dollars I needed to exchange, so I went to the currency exchange window at the local bank.
Short line. Just one guy in front of me...an Asian guy who was trying to exchange yen for dollars and he was a little irritated.
He asked the teller, "Why it change?? Yestoday, I get two hunat dolla for yen. Today I get hunat eighty?? Why it change?"
The teller shrugged his shoulders and said, "Fluctuations".
The Asian guy says, "Fluc you white people too!"


<img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ouch.gif" alt="" />

A husband and wife were sharing a bottle of wine when the husband said,
"I bet you can't tell me something which will make me happy and sad at the same time."

The wife thought for a few moments, then said, "Your dick's bigger than your brother's". <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" />

Three women where chatting about their sex lives with their husbands.
First woman: My husband Pete loves me giving him a BJ but the strange thing is, when I'm doing it his balls get freezing cold.
Second woman: That's really strange when I give my husband Mark a BJ I've found the same thing.
Third woman: What's a BJ?
The other two suprised at this lack of worldliness from their friend, set about describing the details of the perfect BJ.
The third woman vows to try it out on her husband that night. They agree to meet the next day for coffee to see how she got on.
To their suprise and horror she arrives with a huge black eye. What happened? Did you give him a blow job? Yes she replied, he seemed to be enjoying it then he hit me.
Well what did you do wrong? they asked. Nothing I did it exactly as you described it. I was giving him a blow job and we were both enjoying it and I said this is really nice your balls are nice and hot Pete and Marks are always cold........ <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />

A funeral was taking place of an eminent heart surgeon.
The church was packed with loving friends and collegues,
creating a very emotional atmosphere.
No expense had been spared and there was a huge heart
behind the cofin made with hundreds of red roses.
As the last speech was given and his favourite piece of music came on,
the coffin started to roll slowly towards the curtains, the heart of
red roses started to pulsate then opened up allowing the coffin to glide
inside and disappear through the curtains.
This just completely moved everyone to tears. Two of his close collegues were
at the back, one was holding a lump in his throat at the loss of his friend,
the other was nearly wetting himself with laughter.
He was asked "what the hell are you laughing about,
he was one of your closest friends"
To which he replied "I couldn't help it
I was just thinking about my funeral".
"So!" his friend replied "I don't see your point".
The point is I'm a gynaecologist!!

A married couple were in a terrible accident where the woman's face was severely burned. The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft any skin from her body because she was too skinny. So the husband offered to donate some of his own skin.

However, the only skin on his body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from his buttocks. The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and requested that the doctor also honour their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter.

After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the woman's new beauty. She looked more beautiful than she ever had before! All her friends and relatives just went on and on about her youthful beauty! One day, she was alone with her husband, and she was overcome with emotion at his sacrifice. She said, "Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. There is no way I could ever repay you."

"My darling," he replied, "think nothing of it. I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek." <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/XmasJump.gif" alt="" />

OVER-SENSITIVE WOMEN


It is important for men t o remember that, as women
grow older, it becomes harder for them to maintain the
same quality of housekeeping as when they were
younger. When you notice this, try not to yell at
them. Some are oversensitive, and there's nothing
worse than an oversensitive woman.


My name is Bob. Let me relate how I handled the
situation with my wife, Debbie. When I took "early
retirement" last year, it became necessary for Debbie
to get a full-time job along with her part time job,
both for extra income and for the health benefits
that we needed.


Shortly after she started working, I noticed she was
beginning to show her age. I usually get home from the
golf course about the same time she gets home from work.


Although she knows how hungry I am, she almost always
says she has to rest for half an hour or so before
she starts dinner. I don't yell at her. Instead, I
tell her to take her time and just wake me when she
gets dinner on the table. I generally have lunch in
the Men's Grill at the club so eating out is not
reasonable. I'm ready for some home cooked grub when
I hit that door.


She used to do the dishes as soon as we finished
eating. But now it's not unusual for them to sit on
the table for several hours after dinner. I do what
I can by diplomatically reminding her several times
each evening that they won't clean themselves. I
know she really appreciates this, as it does seem to
motivate her to get them done before she goes to bed.


Another symptom of aging is complaining, I think.
For example she will say that it is difficult for her to
find time to pay the monthly bills during her lunch
hour. But, boys, we take 'em for better or worse, so I
just smile and offer encouragement. I tell her to
stretch it out over two or even three days. That way
she won't have to rush so much. I also remind her
that missing lunc h completely now and then wouldn't
hurt her any (if you know what I mean). I like to
think tact is one of my strong points.


When doing simple jobs, she seems to think she needs
more rest periods. She had to take a break when she
was only half finished mowing the yard. I try not
to make a scene. I'm a fair man. I tell her to fix
herself a nice, big, cold glass of freshly squeezed
lemonade and just sit for a while. And, as long as
she is making one for herself, she may as well make
one for me too.


I know that I probably look like a saint in the way I
support Debbie. I'm not saying that showing this
much consideration is easy. Many men will find it
difficult. Some will find it impossible! Nobody
knows better than I do how frustrating women get as
they get older. However, guys, even if you just use a
little more tact and less criticism of your aging wife
because of this article, I will consider that writing
it was well worthwhile. After all, we are put on this
earth to help each other.....


Signed, Bob




EDITOR'S NOTE: Bob died suddenly last week.
The police report says that he was found with a
Calloway extra long 50-inch Big Bertha Driver II golf
club rammed up his [nocando] with only 2 inches of
grip showing. His wife Debbie was arrested and
charged with murder; however, the all-woman jury
found her NOT GUILTY, accepting her story that he
accidentally sat down on it. <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/stupid.gif" alt="" />

vice president chaney says to president bush, hey the brazilians have just donated a 100 brazilians to the war on terror.

the presidents reply is, how much is a brazillion?. <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/biggrin.gif" alt="" />

<img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ROFL.gif" alt="" />
Bubba died in a fire and his body was burned pretty badly.
The morgue needed someone to identify the body, so they sent for his two best friends, Darryl and Gomer.

The three men had always done everything together.
Darryl arrived first, and when the mortician pulled back the sheet,
Darryl said, "Yup, his face is burned up pretty bad.
You better roll him over." The mortician rolled him over,
and Darryl said, "Nope, ain't Bubba."

The mortician thought this was rather strange.
So he brought Gomer in, to confirm the identity of the body.
Gomer looked at the body and said, "Yup, he's pretty well burnt up.
Roll him over." The mortician rolled him over, and Gomer said, "No, it
ain't Bubba." The mortician asked, "How can you tell?"

Gomer said, "Well, Bubba had two assholes."
"What? He had two assholes?", asked the mortician.
Yup, I never seen 'em, but everyone knew he had two assholes. every
time we went to town, folks would say, "Here comes Bubba with them two assholes."

An Italian, an Irishman and a Chinese fellow are hired at a Sydney construction site.
The foreman points to a huge pile of sand and says to the Italian guy, "You're in charge of sweeping."
To the Irishman he says "You're in charge of shoveling."
To the Chinese guy, "You're in charge of supplies."
He then says, "Now, I have to leave for a little while. I expect you guys to make a dent in that there pile."
So the foreman goes away for a couple hours, but when he returns the pile of sand is untouched.
He says to the Italian: "Why didn't you sweep any of it?"
The Italian replies in a heavy accent, "I no gotta broom, an' you tella me dat de Chinese'a guy supposa bringa da supplies, but he disappear and I no finda him."
Then the foreman turns to the Irishman and asks why he didn't shovel.
The Irishman replies in his heavy brogue, "Aye, that ye did, but I couldn't get meself a shovel. Ye left the Chinese fella in charge of supplies, but I couldn't fin' him."
The foreman is really angry now, and storms off looking for the Chinese guy.
He can't find him anywhere and is getting angrier by the minute.
Just then, the Chinese guy springs out from behind the pile of sand and yells... "Supplies!!"

What's the opposite of Christopher Reeves?

Christopher Walken!

For his birthday, little Joseph asked for a 10-speed
bicycle. His father said, "Son, we'd give you one,
but the mortgage on this house is $280,000 & your
mother just lost her job. There's no way we can
afford it."

The next day the father saw little Joseph heading out
the front door with a suitcase. So he asked, "Son,
where are you going?"

Little Joseph told him; "I was walking past your room
last night and heard you telling Mom you were pulling
out. Then I heard her tell you to wait because she
was coming too. And I'll be damned if I'm staying
here by myself with a $280,000 mortgage & no bike!"

Subject: A little old lady


A little old lady is walking down the street, dragging two plastic
garbage
bags with her, one in each hand. There's a hole in one of the bags, and
every once in a while a $20 bill is flying out of it onto the pavement.

Noticing this, a policeman stops her.... "Ma'am, there are $20 bills
falling out of that bag..."

"Darn!" says the little old lady..... "I'd better go back and see if I
can
still find some. Thanks for the warning!"

"Well, now, not so fast," says the cop. "How did you get all that
money?
Did you steal it?"

"Oh, no", says the little old lady. "You see, my back yard backs up to
the
parking lot of the football stadium. Each time there's a game a lot of
fans come and pee in the bushes, right into my flower beds! So, I go
and
stand behind the bushes with a big hedge clipper, and each time someone

sticks his little thingy through the bushes, I say: $20 or off it
comes!"

"Hey, not a bad idea!" laughs the cop. "OK, good luck!

By the way, what's in the other bag?"

"Well", says the little old lady, "not all of them pay."

One last Long good laugh........

Dubya Quotes
spacer

"If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure."
...George W. Bush

"Republicans understand the importance of bondage between a mother and child."
...Governor George W. Bush

"Welcome to Mrs. Bush, and my fellow astronauts."
...Governor George W. Bush

"Mars is essentially in the same orbit...Mars is somewhat the same distance from the Sun, which is very important. We have seen pictures where there are canals, we believe, and water. If there is water, that means there is oxygen. If oxygen, that means we can breathe."
...Governor George W. Bush, 8/11/94

"The Holocaust was an obscene period in our nation's history. I mean in this century's history. But we all lived in this century. I didn't live in this century."
...Governor George W. Bush, 9/15/95

"I believe we are on an irreversible trend toward more freedom and democracy -- but that could change."
...Governor George W. Bush, 5/22/98

"One word sums up probably the responsibility of any Governor, and that one word is 'to be prepared'."
...Governor George W. Bush, 12/6/93

"Verbosity leads to unclear, inarticulate things."
...Governor George W. Bush, 11/30/96

"I have made good judgments in the past. I have made good judgments in the future."
...Governor George W. Bush

"The future will be better tomorrow."
...Governor George W. Bush

"We're going to have the best educated American people in the world."
...Governor George W. Bush 9/21/97

"People that are really very weird can get into sensitive positions and have a tremendous impact on history."
...Governor George W. Bush

"I stand by all the misstatements that I've made."
...Governor George W. Bush to Sam Donaldson, 8/17/93

"We have a firm commitment to NATO, we are a part of NATO. We have a firm commitment to Europe. We are a part of Europe."
...Governor George W. Bush

"Public speaking is very easy."
...Governor George W. Bush to reporters

"I am not part of the problem. I am a Republican."
...Governor George W. Bush

"A low voter turnout is an indication of fewer people going to the polls."
...Governor George W. Bush

"When I have been asked who caused the riots and the killing in LA, my answer has been direct & simple: Who is to blame for the riots? The rioters are to blame. Who is to blame for the killings? The killers are to blame."
...George W. Bush

"Illegitimacy is something we should talk about in terms of not having it."
...Governor George W. Bush 5/20/96

"We are ready for any unforeseen event that may or may not occur."
...Governor George W. Bush 9/22/97

"For NASA, space is still a high priority."
...Governor George W. Bush, 9/5/93

"Quite frankly, teachers are the only profession that teach our children."
...Governor George W. Bush , 9/18/95

"The American people would not want to know of any misquotes that George Bush may or may not make."
...Governor George W. Bush

"We're all capable of mistakes, but I do not care to enlighten you on the mistakes we may or may not have made."
...Governor George W. Bush

"It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it."
...Governor George W. Bush

"[It's] time for the human race to enter the solar system."
...Governor George W. Bush

<img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/wave.gif" alt="" /> have a nice day!

Aah! Jurak my friend mon cher, you are just too good, I have missed these little outstanding moments of yours... many thanks <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />